Taking a different road in both my BJJ and mental/physical improvement.

by Peter Marus

I feel like I have some opinions and thoughts to share, and it will keep my mind occupied and not buried in anxiety.

For the last month or so, I have been training BJJ at a new school.  I left my previous school after being there for 8 years.  I left because I felt like I needed to change.  As great as the other students were, I felt like I was spinning my wheels, hitting a wall, and plateauing.  When my contract came up, I moved to another school and take a different path in my BJJ journey. 

The school is called Clockwork BJJ and I feel I made the right decision.  The staff and students there are always positive, supportive and in the mindset they want to train hard, but not kill each other.  The school itself is a Jiu Jitsu school, not an MMA school that has BJJ classes.  That may not sound big, but you clearly see a difference when you come from a place where MMA classes may go over and cut into BJJ class. 

All the instructors are really positive as well (PMA is a big thing at the school, and you see it's benefits in the students and instructors). They also teach not just the techniques, but their philosophy why you do these details of the techniques, which I find just as important.  Going to a differnet school has made me see the "art" part of "martial arts", where people may have different interpretations of the same technique, and it's great to see another thought or detail to moves I've known for a while. 

One month in and I enjoy it.  I am finding myself breaking down parts of my "game" and rebuilding it.  It's a good challenge. 

One last thing I want to talk about is CBD.  I have been using it for some time and when I remember to take it (today I was a dumbass and didn't), it helps kill the soreness and pain from my arthritis and helps clear my head of my anxiety and negative thoughts. 

CBD is the part of marijuana that's the medicinal part.  You don't get high off it (that's THC), but CBD helps your brain and body in different ways.  Like it said, it helps with killing all the negative thoughts I have and my anxiety I feel.  It's helped with my arthritis and muscle pain (it's an anti-inflammatory).  It helps me sleep and focus on things.  I've read stories how CBD helps pets with anxiety, kids with seizures, and many other benefits. 

That's all I got for now.

I choose to make myself uncomfortable and scared, and it's exciting and makes me feel alive in some ways.

by Peter Marus

I am in a time of some changes in my life.  I am in one of my stages where things need to be shaken up a bit.  I'm in a rut and need to disrupt some things in my life.  It's not a "living by chaos" mentality or anything, more "change equal stimulation". 

Here's what I've witnessed with one chooses to change something in their lives.  You will have people against the idea and try to discourage you from following through.  Sometimes those people are coming from a legit place of concern, but some will do this for their selfish reasons not for your interests.  Maybe they don't want to see you fail, maybe they lose out in some way that they are more concerned for than your happiness, who knows.  Just know that if the choices and changes in your life aren't dissappointing someone, you're doing it wrong.  You're not doing what you think is best for you, but to make others happy and satisfied.  Worry about you first and deal with being generous helping others after.  You got an experation date, don't waste your freshness on bullshit.

Change is hard, change is scary, choosing to change is ten times the feelings, but it's exciting and has my mojo going that I want to use in other parts of my life.

Close to 40, and I realize

by Peter Marus

I've realized the last couple weeks that if you like someone for some reason, despite whatever alleged negative things in their lives, it's ok.  Everyone is not perfect and unless someone has personally screwed you over or your family badly, what they do and how they handle their lives is their problem not yours.  


If I find someone ok to be around or be a fan of, that's my business but yours.  Everyone I know has some problem or something I'm not cool with, that's how life works.  But at the same time if I stopped talking, doing, supporting anyone or anything that had one thing I felt was wrong I would be eating twigs and sitting alone doing nothing.  I have a level of acceptance with people and things.   That's my business and my choice.  Just as it's your choice to do what you like.  If this world got past the childish aggressive attacking if others who like things they personally dont, and accept a lot more than they allow themselves to.  This world would be better.

Sometimes the old way works fine

by Peter Marus

I was thinking about "old vs new" school in BJJ.  I train under one of the "old school" guys (who in his life trained with and under both the Gracie and Machado families-like going to Yale and Harvard) and he is set in his ways, but he has techniques that are rock solid and work.  He has won numerous tournaments with a basic, but technically sharp, style. 

Many champions in all sports succeed by the same way-basics that are perfect but some flair or personal touch. I read and see videos now of a lot of the "new school" BJJ fighters who claim to have some "innovative" technique.  I call bullshit on that because I know some guy in the deepest part of the Amazon probably came up with the same technique surviving an Anaconda attack, he just didn't have marketing like todays's fighters.  Some of the "new and innovative" BJJ looks like a bad choeographed Lucha libre fight, where one guy cartwheels over and the other pops and locks like a breakdancer and neither gain anything.  When someone comes to class with one of these moves they saw on YouTube.  It's great comedy to see them try it, and an old school guy stuffs it, smashes the guy and teaches him the move, though legit, isn't totally applicable.

 Another example of old school is my razor. I switched to a safety razor. I wanted to see if it's better than the multi blade razors.  After assuring my wife I won't look like shark bait and/or pass out from bleeding, I tried it and loved it.  I do have a couple thoughts on it:

-Use a lot of shave cream/gel.  I'm not a "soap in a cup with a brush" guy, that's a bit much.  But a good amount of cream or gell works fine.

-getting the angle is a learning process but will come natural in short time (hold the razor like a pen works) .

  -No flex in the head, which means you may need to go over parts that are bumps in skin or dents in skin.

 -Safety razors last forever, but need to be cleaned off by hand a couple times as you shave (open the head and wipe the edges with paper and rinse).

-Nice and easy, no pressure is the safest way to use it.   

Just two examples of how, with technology and marketing, people forget the old ways work just as, if not better than the new ways.  Granted, sometimes those who hold onto old ways end up in groups with peers and they all sound like pretentious cunts, much like most of the hipster/snowflake population today in parts of Brooklyn that "wasn't" mob-ran (if there was ever a Mob obviously...)


How I'm living and the lesson for everyone reading this

by Peter Marus

For years, I've had to worry about others rather than what's best for me.  I thought it was the right thing to do, but in the end others progressed and I wasted time and energy for nothing.  

I have decided and started to do something about it. I've been doing what's best for me, and/or me and wife.  I've stopped doing the "well, what will so-and-so feel about it?". I'm not saying I'm selfish, but I need to focus on and improve me.  For far too long I've neglected myself, and it's cost me.  Now, it's different.  

 I'm going to do what's best for me, and I know not everyone will be cool with it.  Those people have two "gets" to act on: get over it and move on, or get fucked and go away.  Maybe after time you'll get over it and move on and we will be cool.  But for the time being get fucked and stay that way until you come to your senses.  I don't have time to micromanage my decisions for people and weigh how it affects others. I don't have the energy, time or patience.  I'm not a young person and need to make moves for myself and family now, and not have the anchors of doubt and parasites on me.

 So the lesson is: do you, and those who don't agree or approve can get over their problems and move on with you, or get fucked and get their shitty attitude-which they'll use to sabotage you-out of your way.

I haven't been writing here, but I am writing

by Peter Marus

Think I forgot this blog? I have been neglectful, and I do apologize to the three who read this. I have been writing but for myself. It's something simple, and others probably have done it you eons, but I found out about it and it actually works.

 Ever have thoughts and ideas in your head and they sit there, taking your time and energy from you?  They affect how you act and be if they sit there.  What I do everyday is set up a note on my phone each day and write what's on my mind.  I start in the morning, and during the day if I am dwelling on a thought, I throw it on my note to clear my head.  Typing it out lets me see it, and it gets it out. I do that with ideas or things I want to do, and at night I set a reminder to bring it up on my phone and I'll read it.  It works. I feel more productive and I feel less stressed.

Try it and see how you feel after it.  A mental douche (other shit depending how you look at it) is needed and it works.  Could I put it on here rather than a note to myself? Maybe, but some of it is even more babbling and rambling as what I usually put on here.  It probably not be entertaining.


Pete on Loyalty

by Peter Marus

I am loyal to the following things: myself, my wife, most family, and that's pretty much it.  Anything else is a case by case basis.  

 If someone or something gives me what I expect from my investment of time, money, or thought, I'm on their side.  If they do not give me that, I will look at other options.  Some say that's a shitty way to handle things, that I may come off as a "front-runner", or just an ass.  I don't think so.  I think I'm allowing myself to live how humans are built.  

 It's a business, personal, or financial decision.  You yourselves do it, so don't come at me saying I'm wrong.  For example: how many jobs have you had? How many changes in companies were for financial gain or a better work/life balance? Where is your loyalty to the first company that hired you? 

I apply things like this to many aspects of my life.  Sports teams, brands of items I like to use, before my wife I would to women I dated.  Even now I am doing this to people I know.  I've stopped talking to many people over the past several years because they don't fit into my life or my mindset, so why should I have loyalty to them or their time.

 Am I impulsive? Maybe in a way, but I also am keeping my life and mind fresh through change.

Making Changes

by Peter Marus

     It’s hard to change.  You get into your grooves and set ways, and the idea of changing fills you with fear or self-doubt.  But at the same time, you have to change in life.  If not only for the lessons you’ll learn, but the stimulation to combat boredom.

     I’m working on some changes in my life.  One is moving from Apple products.  Apple products are fine, when they work and not buggy like when I am typing ot copying and pasting things. Or some tasks just won’t work until I restart the app or even the phone.  More  and more though, the products are getting locked down in the name of security, but it is limiting what the user can do.  For example, I tried downloading some programs to use on my laptop, but I was not allowed to even though the software is from reputable companies.  I didn’t even get the option to say “allow third party apps be installed”, which means anything outside Apple’s App Store.  I also want the option to set another program to be the default web browser, or mail client.  Apple does not allow that on their iPhone, which gets annoying considering I use non Apple apps the majority of the time.

      I already built a new PC, which means I gutted my old one and put new components in it.  Windows has gotten better, and seems to do all I want (like letting me set Chrome as my default web browser, letting my download apps and programs I want to use, without wanting to stop me, etc). Eventually I want to get an Android-based phone again, maybe a Samsung one. 

      Other changes have been my attitude.  I’m not letting my job now dictate my life.  I want to travel more, go do things.  I will take a hit in the wallet, but the enjoyment of spending time with my family/friends is more important.  Speaking of jobs, I also changed how I tackle the job search.  I’m emailing my resume and info directly to managers who post jobs.  It’s easy to find them on LinkedIn.  I usually send a quick email saying I saw their posting and wanted to send you my resume directly.  So far I’ve gotten responses, and even and interview.  The interview didn’t go well (no callback) but the experience gave me confidence in what I am doing.

Change is good, change is scary, change can be sexy, but change is needed to grow and evolve.

My experience at the "Career Change Boot Camp"

by Peter Marus

Over the past weekend, I took a "Career Change Boot Camp" course ran by Marcos Salazar of Be Social Change.  I recommend it to anyone looking for their "next move".  The exercises and format of the entire day will help you realize things.  You will learn ideas about yourself and your career.

First, I noticed I was probably the only one in the session not in a non-proft/NGO organization.  I felt like a fish out of water at first, but I didn't let it dwell and realized everyone here was for one thing: trying to look at themselves and find where/what is the next step.  Side note: I figured everyone was in a non-profit of some sort since I got the class info from my wife, who works for a non-profit.

One of the biggest questions I had going into this was: I know I don't want to do what I am doing, but what do I want to do?  I was doing the exercises and I still didn't have a clear idea what exactly I want to do, but I know that I want a job where I am not sacrificing time from my wife, family, and friends.  I know I want a job where I'm stimulated, where I'm not standing around doing anything.  Where and what isn't that important, but those things are.

I think the biggest thing I took away from it is that my Linkedin, resume, and cover letters needed a lot of work, but at the same time I shouldn't sweat the details as much.  I have been going out of my mind trying to perfect both, but what I should be doing is perfecting them for each job posting.  A single resume won't cut it.  I can't just spread it around like Jonny Resumeseed.

On the resume subject, times change.  I used to be worried about the gap in my resume.  I learned it's not a big deal these days as long as I can explain why and what did I do during that time to improve my skills.  Most hiring people are now used to seeing gaps and people do take time off to go to school, go on sabbatical, whatever.

I took two years away to care for my ailing mother (who since passed away).  During that time, besides helping my mother with her medical matters, I took computer hardware and software classes, built computers for myself and others, and provided tech support for friends and family.  How I handle this on a resume is say I was a "caretaker" or some BS title and list what I did on the time off.  Now I was told to do this by a few people, but now in this climate, it is more leave it off the resume, list the skills you got on the time out of the workforce, and mention the gap in your cover letter.

The class was worth the time and money.  I recommend you look at it or any class that sounds like it.  You're bound to find something valuable out of it.


Just my thoughts on it.

The Meadows, my sister, my head

by Peter Marus

Spent last weekend going to The Meadows festival in the parking lot at CitiField.  My wife won three day passes at her job and we went each afternoon/night.  It was an amazing setup with little issues, and the music was top notch.  First night headliner was Jay-Z, so I was the “old man at the Jay-Z concert”.  But I took solace in knowing I’m an old man trying to stay young watching an old man trying to stay young.  Next afternoon/evening after my sister’s wedding, my wife and I saw a few bands and then my highlight was seeing the Gorillaz live.  They put on quite a show.  Final day we saw Weezer, Nas, Action Bronson, but didn’t see the Red Hot Chilli Peppers because we were so tired from the last few days.  The music was good, food was even better with the amount of things on sale there.  If my wife gets passes again I really want to go.


One more thing on music.  Some flash in the pan NBA draftee said guys like Nas are not relevant now and real hip hop is Migos and Future.  Nas and Jay-Z’s sets, their first five minutes of each had more legitimacy and skill than modern hip hop has had the last 10 years.  Jay-Z and Nas don’t have to rely on being jackasses on Instagram or Snapchat to get attention.  Their music fills real venues, not glorified bars where most of these “stars” perform.  You don’t see the real stars tattooing their faces with nonsense or dying their hair to look like a poodle.  “Acts” that rely on Worldstar Hip Hop are not real acts. Further proof: Acts like Jay-Z, LL Cool J, M.I.A.-Acts with real talent and not a freak show had either top billing or featured.  Shit like Migos and 21 Savage were just opening act curtain jerkers.


Before Saturday’s events, I went to see my sister get married on Long Island. They had their service at a country club, which was pretty big but was like an assembly line.  You go have the ceremony, get rushed to the cocktail hour, then a reception room.  As you are ushered to the next part, they start hosing down where you were for the next one.  Took some of the romance out of it.  I’m happy for her and her husband.  Got to see some relatives and some of them finally got to congratulate me and my wife on our marriage. 


Had a really fun day Monday.  Crossing a street and got hit by a truck that was turning and either didn’t see me or didn’t care.  Knocked me down, hit my head and suddenly everything was like it was under water for a minute.  Shook that off and tried to stand up but people were telling not to.  As I was waiting for the ambulance, calmly called my boss and wife.  Cops and ambulance came and took me to the hospital. Got some stitches and a tetanus shot.  Didn’t get head scanned so I guess any concussion I got wasn’t serious.  Went home for the rest of the day and then felt good enough to go to work the next day.  Wife wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t going to sit around the house and do nothing when I feel fine. 


I was more amazed my blood pressure was so low.  It was 140/80 in the ambulance, 110/40 in the ER waiting to be looked at.  Considering I was hit by a damn truck I either stayed really calm, adrenaline rush kept me at that level, or my brain went into survival mode and wanted to keep everything cool while all Hell broke loose. 


I’m fine, all marbles here.

Mom Has Been Gone a Year This Week

by Peter Marus

I am writing this today because on the 2nd I may not be in the mood to write at all.  I also wanted to write today to get out some thoughts and feelings I am having.

One year ago today was the last day I saw my mother alive.  I remember going to the hospital to see her, where as usual she was happy to see me.  We spoke about some things like what the doctors said and how things were.  I remember mostly that she was accepting of her time was almost up, at least gave the impression.  She seemed at a peace that in hindsight should have told me she had only a couple days left.  Maybe she was getting ready to not be in the pain or suffering she was in, and just waiting for it to stop.

I remember telling her I loved her, kissing her on her forehead and saying goodbye for what would be the last time.  Throughout her entire hospital stay I had a feeling she wasn't going to make it out alive.  She had cancer and other health issues for some time and the treatments weren't really working well.  Small victories sure, but everyone knew the score. 

Next day my sister saw her, and when she left the nurse asked her for her number to get a hold of her.  As my sister went home, my mom died.  I was glad my sister was the last person to see her.  I always thought it was better her.  My sister did a ton for my mom over the last years of her life, and even up to the end.  Part of me was thinking my mom held out to see my sister  one last time and she died after accomplishing all she had to on this planet. 

I still have regret and sadness.  I wasn't the most patient with my mom or her situation.  I was wrong for that, I have to live with what I said and done during that time.  I feel I should have done more to make her feel better, but I failed her in that way. 

Want to know how I knew she was gone? Bette Midler's "The Rose" started playing where I worked-a song that doesn't play on the radio here.  That was the moment I knew she was gone.  Soon after I got the call, she is dead.

Anyway, I wanted to share these thoughts. Thank you for reading.I'll get back to writing about some other nonsense or minor issue in my life soon.

Going back

by Peter Marus

For the Fourth of July my wife and I went to the Poconos for a couple days.  It was the first time I spent significant time there since the early 2000s.  I was feeing different emotions leading to the trip, and after it I feel the same.  

First off, driving up there in a 2011 car compared to a 1996 one is a world of difference.  The Gas mileage I got was much better in the newer one (a Honda CR-V which for all intents and purposes has a Honda Accord engine in it).  I thought the meter was broken when I looked down and the car was almost sipping gas.  Then once the hills and mountain roads came into play, there went the fuel efficiency.  

Driving around up there was a "It's the same, but it's also different" feeing.  I was amazed how built up and modernize a lot of the areas were, but it also looked the same.  I drove around my old neighborhood and was glad to see the old house was being lived in.  I took my wife around to show the places where the stories I told her happened, and she appreciated that.   

After our shopping trip and tour to different vineyards and buying way too many bottles of wine, I was dead tired.  I did finally have some Sonic, which was interesting.  I spent the rest of the night taking everything in.  I feel happy I went up there, and should go there again, but I felt my parents there.  I had a lot of the memories of being in the area for so long go through my head, and I missed my parents.

My parents bought and built the house in 1987 and sold it in I think 2002 or 03.  I am amazed how they handled having two whole houses to upkeep and afford.  I do miss the house a little, and I understand when they sold the place.  But like I said, I miss the house and my parents. 

i love the Poconos, and I'd rather go someplace like there rather than a beach.  It was weird being in the area again, and I don't know going there more would lessen that.  Maybe going somewhere else like upstate or a totally different area to vacation would be better, but the familiarity of the Poconos does attract me.  Or I'm just being an idiot and overthinking.  

Improvement of life

by Peter Marus

I have been working hard to better my life.  For starts, in May I married my fiancee.  We had a ceremony at the courthouse.  The reason we did it this way is that we both have schedules where we are always working.  Also, we wanted to get it done.  Her mother was in the city at that time and we decided to get married.  I was a little nervous about the reaction from people, but it was positive at least on the surface.  So now my wife and I are not improving things like the house we are in and making it into our home.  I am so happy to share my life with her and we both help each other improve....though it's more her improving me than vice versa.

There are a couple other things I'm trying to improve.  One big one is my mental health.  I realized I seem to suffer from a lot of anxiety, which leads to my mind always thinking, mostly negative thoughts.  Rather than getting a doctor to stick me onto a pharmaceutical like Xanax, I looked up and found Kava kava.  I take it and it does make my mind clearer and calmer.  My worries so far are lessened, and I find myself productive.

Another way I'm trying to improve myself is professional.  I decided to learn Salesforce and try to obtain certification in that.  I started studying and watch videos on Salesforce.  It's not as daunting as I first thought it would be, but it is a deep subject and I have a lot to learn.

The New York Marks

by Peter Marus

I live in Queens and need to take the 7 train daily.  I hate it in the summertime when it's full of bros and dudes already gassed up to go to the baseball game in Flushing.  They go to see the New York Mets, AKA the New York Mutts and what I call them the New York Marks,

I used to be a Mets fan and a fan of baseball.  I won't go into detail why I stopped following both in detail, but I will say with the Mets it's more due to the inept ownership.  The Mets are run by a family that was duped by Bernie Madoff, and their stupidity and gullibility almost caused the downfall of their team.  This marks, a term for a sucker in a scam, believed their investment returns were never going to stop, they took out so many loans and spent money they didn't have on the team and the team did not live up to the investments.  They not only had to beg for money from MLB but had to take outside investors (which is almost its own pyramid scheme).  On top of all this is when the whole scam fell apart, the team was named as one of the biggest benefactors of the money being handed out.  So the creditors of the victims went after the Mets owners to get their money back.

So why are people still supporting a team ran like this?  This makes in my mind the fans bigger marks than the mark owners.  Seeing the "fanbase" though, it makes sense.  Most of the "fans" look like the type who are stealing money from old ladies and poor people just like their favorite team's owners.  Fuck them and fuck the Mets.  I wish these morons would be off my fucking train so I can get home in peace, or at least see some of these idiots stabbed on the train so I can have some enjoyment on my ride home.

A life without Facebook is a happier life

by Peter Marus

For the past several weeks, I stopped using Facebook.  I haven't totally stopped using it since I still use their message service for some people, but as far as Facebook proper I stopped using it.  

My reasons are simple.  There are so many falsehoods in how people portray themselves, and admittedly I am one is some form or another.  I would be at my job, usually in a mood due to my unhappiness about my job and place in the world in general, and seeing how happy people are in their lives led me to say to everyone "fuck your happiness".  At some point, I just said I don't want to not feel like that, so I decided to stop looking at Facebook.

I haven't quit all social media.  I am active on Twitter and Instagram, which sounds strange to some.  I find both those platforms more satisfying to look and be interactive on.  Twitter and Instagram have limitations put on the user, that limits the content one can post.  So both give more of a "snapshot" of what they are doing or how they feel. It's enough to say something, but it doesn't allow one to really construct a world of nonsense and lies like Facebook allows, or at least makes it more difficult for someone to do so.  I also find conversations on these platforms a lot more useful and "real".  The content found on both seem more solid and useful than what one finds on Facebook.

After this time, I feel happier.  I don't feel as much jealousy to other people and their "lives", or feel miserable when events I can't go to are being recapped or reported on.  Facebook always seems the most negative of the platforms, where people are more likely to tear one down rather than support.  Yes, I know there are many supportive points on Facebook, but they are dwarfed by the negative elements.  

Social media is an effective and useful idea and tool.  It just needs to be used right.  Studies have shown that it does lead to feelings of depression and unhappiness, but what should be looked at is something deeper-what those people look at and who they follow on it.

"Zelda" and mom

by Peter Marus

"The Legend of Zelda" is a video game series I always take time to try.  The latest one on Nintendo's new system looks to be the best, and I am going to get their system and play it.  The game series always has an emotional attachment to me because the first "Zelda" game was one I played along with my mom.   

My mom loved the game and it's puzzles.  I would play the game along with "Super Mario Brothers", and when I went to bed she would play them as well.  She and I would talk about "Zelda" and help each other in our games.  It was a cool thing.  She made it to the last part, but a friend of mine at the time accidentally loaded her game, not mine, to show me what to do at the game where I was having problems and beat the game with her save.  It was funny for a moment but it legit angered her since she wanted to win herself. 

That game and a couple others showed her the positives games have on kids and how they can help with hand eye coordination and problem solving skills. 

When I play games I think of her, and when I play "Zelda" games, I feel a level of emotional connection.  When I get the new system and game, I'm sure I'll feel like she's playing with me.


6 months after she left

by Peter Marus

It's been about six months since my mom died  I know at my age one would think it's strange, but I do miss her a lot and feel a level of being lost.  If you don't feel that without your parents around, there's something wrong with you.  I am still here in my house and slowly getting rid of stuff.  I am amazed with the level of crap my parents kept.  Most of it is stuff they just collected and mostly never thought of since getting them.  There's so much accumulated crap from dead relatives, and from others wanting us to hold stuff for them.  I know there's value with a lot of the stuff, especially the historical and sentimental aspect, but I want to shed a lot of if not all of them.  It feels like a weight on me, encumbering me in moving forward.  Should I keep a bunch of it to keep some link to the generations behind me? Probably, but at the same time it's things that don't give me joy or any emotional feeling.  I have my memories, which I value over a lot of the physical things.

Miss me?

by Peter Marus

SO, the past month or so I've been quiet.  Mostly every time I would come to this page to write, I would be too tired to put my thoughts into words.  Work has had me consumed, which sounds weird considering the job I do.  I also have been trying to navigate my feelings and thoughts I have.

This time of year is really tough for me, which I'm sure it is for many.  November and December are months where as much joy there should be, there is also a lot of sadness.  I've lost count how many relatives I've lost in these two months over the years.  It's sad, and this year losing my mother has added more to the sadness.  Thanksgiving was nice to have what's left of my family together and share in some joy.  I don't want to get into my work deal, beyond I've done 6 days a week for most of the year, and that's taken a toll physically and mentally.  More and more I feel like just leaving, but since I don't have anything to fall back on, I force myself to suck it up.  Looking for work is tough wth the time issue, and when I get home the last thing I want to do is look for work.  It forces me back into the feelings I feel as I work now, which aren't good enjoyable feelings.  I walk into the door at home, I just want to escape the day and spend time with my Fiancee.  

My Fiancee is one of the things that keeps me going.  Her love and support has been one of the main things that has kept me going.  She's done things I cannot repay her for.  We hosted Christmas at the house, and she cooked a fantastic meal.  She helped keep the mood right in the house.  My aunt and sister had their hesitations coming to the house, since they still haven't fully handled my Mom's death, but it was nice to see them.  It was nice to hear them happy to see us making the house more our own.

Seeing them and how they are trying to handle Mom and her death, made me realize I have had no time to do that.  After she died and we went through the funeral and stuff, I went straight to work.  I haven't had a moment to sit back away from everyone and everything and really figure out how I feel about it.  It's tough to explain, but I'd kill to just not work and kill any distractions I have to focus on me, be a selfish asshole, and get me right.  

A week on a ship

by Peter Marus

I spent on a week on a ship island hopping through the Caribbean.  The main purpose of the trip was for a wedding of my Fiancee's friend.  When we got to Florida we had to help the groom's family get to the boat, since apparently the groom was too lazy to do that himself.  After getting them to the port, and helping them figure out the bag tagging for them, the groom showed up.  Now, I always learned that you can tell by the quality of a man by the first handshake he gives.  After he realized who we were (he walked past us as if my Fiancee and I were ghosts), he shook my hand.  It was limp and pathetic.  That right there told me everything I needed to know about him.  I didn't need the fact that he openly ignored me when we passed each other on the ship, or when he ignored me and my Fiancee at dinner as he spoke to everyone else at the table we sat at.  When he did speak to me it was in an insulting way, which made my Fiancee rush me away from him before I spoke back to him.  Good thing is he's not my family's problem and I don't have to deal with him on any regular basis.  

Besides that nonsense, it was a fun trip.  spent a day in Jamaica, Cayman Islands, and Mexico.  I wish we had more time at each spot, but we got to spend time on the beach and tour the island of Cozumel.  The good news is on each spot I didn't get the feeling of hatred for American tourists, which I usually get around another Americans when they speak or do something on trips in other nations.  

Taking a cruise, you get to see every deadly sin in action.  It's quite fascinating.  You also see how Americans from different regions of the country interact with each other, which in general seems fine.  There wasn't a race war on the boat, no political arguments, just people having fun.  You also see Europeans react to our people, which was also nice.  Considering how many people are on a ship, and how often you are in the middle of the sea, it was good.  Maybe if our nation acted like a damn cruise ship, most of the nonsense we see wouldn't happen.  

Maybe this realization has been the years of martial arts training.  I found myself walking around not caring what I wore or how I looked, or if I offended anyone.  That level of confidence help get me through some of the nonsense, especially when it came to the other side of the wedding party.  It also helped me keep cool in times I may have not.  Like when this goofy white guy who was with the grooms party kept obnoxiously saying he's the token white guy, and at one point from what I hear, tried to equate himself with me.  Apparently he was shut up by being told that I was born and raised in Queens and probably more Dominican than half the Dominicans at the wedding.  

Lastly, since I got Miami stations in my room, I forgot how insane living in a battleground state is.  There were no ads for products on their stations, just attack ads after attack ads for every level of government.  Last time I saw that level of garbage was when I lived in Pennsylvania, which had just as many and stupid ads.  Both Florida and Pennsylvania ads have candidates damn near accuse the other of kid touching and animal torture.  I cannot wait until the election is over.

​The farce of the purity in sports.

by Peter Marus

I laugh at how some fans have some ideological idea how their team and sport should be ran.  Some say they are against the "modern" version of sports-where corporate $ comes into their league or team.  These are the fans who don't want success or to see their team evolve and grow.  These are also the people who get upset when a player for their team leaves to another.  This hypocritical attitude is comical.  So let me get this right, you can move to another company all YOU want for more money, have no qualms about it, but will lose their minds if a player for their favorite team does the same.


Those who want the romanticized way they want their sports played, keep watching kids leagues.  That's probably the only place your ideals are still present.  In the real world, sports are full of mercenaries playing for brutal sociopathic billionaires, all for the entertainment of the masses and giving the masses a sad and pathetic feeling of their primal urges nothing else gives them.