Pete on Loyalty

by Peter Marus

I am loyal to the following things: myself, my wife, most family, and that's pretty much it.  Anything else is a case by case basis.  

 If someone or something gives me what I expect from my investment of time, money, or thought, I'm on their side.  If they do not give me that, I will look at other options.  Some say that's a shitty way to handle things, that I may come off as a "front-runner", or just an ass.  I don't think so.  I think I'm allowing myself to live how humans are built.  

 It's a business, personal, or financial decision.  You yourselves do it, so don't come at me saying I'm wrong.  For example: how many jobs have you had? How many changes in companies were for financial gain or a better work/life balance? Where is your loyalty to the first company that hired you? 

I apply things like this to many aspects of my life.  Sports teams, brands of items I like to use, before my wife I would to women I dated.  Even now I am doing this to people I know.  I've stopped talking to many people over the past several years because they don't fit into my life or my mindset, so why should I have loyalty to them or their time.

 Am I impulsive? Maybe in a way, but I also am keeping my life and mind fresh through change.

Making Changes

by Peter Marus

     It’s hard to change.  You get into your grooves and set ways, and the idea of changing fills you with fear or self-doubt.  But at the same time, you have to change in life.  If not only for the lessons you’ll learn, but the stimulation to combat boredom.

     I’m working on some changes in my life.  One is moving from Apple products.  Apple products are fine, when they work and not buggy like when I am typing ot copying and pasting things. Or some tasks just won’t work until I restart the app or even the phone.  More  and more though, the products are getting locked down in the name of security, but it is limiting what the user can do.  For example, I tried downloading some programs to use on my laptop, but I was not allowed to even though the software is from reputable companies.  I didn’t even get the option to say “allow third party apps be installed”, which means anything outside Apple’s App Store.  I also want the option to set another program to be the default web browser, or mail client.  Apple does not allow that on their iPhone, which gets annoying considering I use non Apple apps the majority of the time.

      I already built a new PC, which means I gutted my old one and put new components in it.  Windows has gotten better, and seems to do all I want (like letting me set Chrome as my default web browser, letting my download apps and programs I want to use, without wanting to stop me, etc). Eventually I want to get an Android-based phone again, maybe a Samsung one. 

      Other changes have been my attitude.  I’m not letting my job now dictate my life.  I want to travel more, go do things.  I will take a hit in the wallet, but the enjoyment of spending time with my family/friends is more important.  Speaking of jobs, I also changed how I tackle the job search.  I’m emailing my resume and info directly to managers who post jobs.  It’s easy to find them on LinkedIn.  I usually send a quick email saying I saw their posting and wanted to send you my resume directly.  So far I’ve gotten responses, and even and interview.  The interview didn’t go well (no callback) but the experience gave me confidence in what I am doing.

Change is good, change is scary, change can be sexy, but change is needed to grow and evolve.

My experience at the "Career Change Boot Camp"

by Peter Marus

Over the past weekend, I took a "Career Change Boot Camp" course ran by Marcos Salazar of Be Social Change.  I recommend it to anyone looking for their "next move".  The exercises and format of the entire day will help you realize things.  You will learn ideas about yourself and your career.

First, I noticed I was probably the only one in the session not in a non-proft/NGO organization.  I felt like a fish out of water at first, but I didn't let it dwell and realized everyone here was for one thing: trying to look at themselves and find where/what is the next step.  Side note: I figured everyone was in a non-profit of some sort since I got the class info from my wife, who works for a non-profit.

One of the biggest questions I had going into this was: I know I don't want to do what I am doing, but what do I want to do?  I was doing the exercises and I still didn't have a clear idea what exactly I want to do, but I know that I want a job where I am not sacrificing time from my wife, family, and friends.  I know I want a job where I'm stimulated, where I'm not standing around doing anything.  Where and what isn't that important, but those things are.

I think the biggest thing I took away from it is that my Linkedin, resume, and cover letters needed a lot of work, but at the same time I shouldn't sweat the details as much.  I have been going out of my mind trying to perfect both, but what I should be doing is perfecting them for each job posting.  A single resume won't cut it.  I can't just spread it around like Jonny Resumeseed.

On the resume subject, times change.  I used to be worried about the gap in my resume.  I learned it's not a big deal these days as long as I can explain why and what did I do during that time to improve my skills.  Most hiring people are now used to seeing gaps and people do take time off to go to school, go on sabbatical, whatever.

I took two years away to care for my ailing mother (who since passed away).  During that time, besides helping my mother with her medical matters, I took computer hardware and software classes, built computers for myself and others, and provided tech support for friends and family.  How I handle this on a resume is say I was a "caretaker" or some BS title and list what I did on the time off.  Now I was told to do this by a few people, but now in this climate, it is more leave it off the resume, list the skills you got on the time out of the workforce, and mention the gap in your cover letter.

The class was worth the time and money.  I recommend you look at it or any class that sounds like it.  You're bound to find something valuable out of it.


Just my thoughts on it.

The Meadows, my sister, my head

by Peter Marus

Spent last weekend going to The Meadows festival in the parking lot at CitiField.  My wife won three day passes at her job and we went each afternoon/night.  It was an amazing setup with little issues, and the music was top notch.  First night headliner was Jay-Z, so I was the “old man at the Jay-Z concert”.  But I took solace in knowing I’m an old man trying to stay young watching an old man trying to stay young.  Next afternoon/evening after my sister’s wedding, my wife and I saw a few bands and then my highlight was seeing the Gorillaz live.  They put on quite a show.  Final day we saw Weezer, Nas, Action Bronson, but didn’t see the Red Hot Chilli Peppers because we were so tired from the last few days.  The music was good, food was even better with the amount of things on sale there.  If my wife gets passes again I really want to go.


One more thing on music.  Some flash in the pan NBA draftee said guys like Nas are not relevant now and real hip hop is Migos and Future.  Nas and Jay-Z’s sets, their first five minutes of each had more legitimacy and skill than modern hip hop has had the last 10 years.  Jay-Z and Nas don’t have to rely on being jackasses on Instagram or Snapchat to get attention.  Their music fills real venues, not glorified bars where most of these “stars” perform.  You don’t see the real stars tattooing their faces with nonsense or dying their hair to look like a poodle.  “Acts” that rely on Worldstar Hip Hop are not real acts. Further proof: Acts like Jay-Z, LL Cool J, M.I.A.-Acts with real talent and not a freak show had either top billing or featured.  Shit like Migos and 21 Savage were just opening act curtain jerkers.


Before Saturday’s events, I went to see my sister get married on Long Island. They had their service at a country club, which was pretty big but was like an assembly line.  You go have the ceremony, get rushed to the cocktail hour, then a reception room.  As you are ushered to the next part, they start hosing down where you were for the next one.  Took some of the romance out of it.  I’m happy for her and her husband.  Got to see some relatives and some of them finally got to congratulate me and my wife on our marriage. 


Had a really fun day Monday.  Crossing a street and got hit by a truck that was turning and either didn’t see me or didn’t care.  Knocked me down, hit my head and suddenly everything was like it was under water for a minute.  Shook that off and tried to stand up but people were telling not to.  As I was waiting for the ambulance, calmly called my boss and wife.  Cops and ambulance came and took me to the hospital. Got some stitches and a tetanus shot.  Didn’t get head scanned so I guess any concussion I got wasn’t serious.  Went home for the rest of the day and then felt good enough to go to work the next day.  Wife wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t going to sit around the house and do nothing when I feel fine. 


I was more amazed my blood pressure was so low.  It was 140/80 in the ambulance, 110/40 in the ER waiting to be looked at.  Considering I was hit by a damn truck I either stayed really calm, adrenaline rush kept me at that level, or my brain went into survival mode and wanted to keep everything cool while all Hell broke loose. 


I’m fine, all marbles here.

Mom Has Been Gone a Year This Week

by Peter Marus

I am writing this today because on the 2nd I may not be in the mood to write at all.  I also wanted to write today to get out some thoughts and feelings I am having.

One year ago today was the last day I saw my mother alive.  I remember going to the hospital to see her, where as usual she was happy to see me.  We spoke about some things like what the doctors said and how things were.  I remember mostly that she was accepting of her time was almost up, at least gave the impression.  She seemed at a peace that in hindsight should have told me she had only a couple days left.  Maybe she was getting ready to not be in the pain or suffering she was in, and just waiting for it to stop.

I remember telling her I loved her, kissing her on her forehead and saying goodbye for what would be the last time.  Throughout her entire hospital stay I had a feeling she wasn't going to make it out alive.  She had cancer and other health issues for some time and the treatments weren't really working well.  Small victories sure, but everyone knew the score. 

Next day my sister saw her, and when she left the nurse asked her for her number to get a hold of her.  As my sister went home, my mom died.  I was glad my sister was the last person to see her.  I always thought it was better her.  My sister did a ton for my mom over the last years of her life, and even up to the end.  Part of me was thinking my mom held out to see my sister  one last time and she died after accomplishing all she had to on this planet. 

I still have regret and sadness.  I wasn't the most patient with my mom or her situation.  I was wrong for that, I have to live with what I said and done during that time.  I feel I should have done more to make her feel better, but I failed her in that way. 

Want to know how I knew she was gone? Bette Midler's "The Rose" started playing where I worked-a song that doesn't play on the radio here.  That was the moment I knew she was gone.  Soon after I got the call, she is dead.

Anyway, I wanted to share these thoughts. Thank you for reading.I'll get back to writing about some other nonsense or minor issue in my life soon.

Going back

by Peter Marus

For the Fourth of July my wife and I went to the Poconos for a couple days.  It was the first time I spent significant time there since the early 2000s.  I was feeing different emotions leading to the trip, and after it I feel the same.  

First off, driving up there in a 2011 car compared to a 1996 one is a world of difference.  The Gas mileage I got was much better in the newer one (a Honda CR-V which for all intents and purposes has a Honda Accord engine in it).  I thought the meter was broken when I looked down and the car was almost sipping gas.  Then once the hills and mountain roads came into play, there went the fuel efficiency.  

Driving around up there was a "It's the same, but it's also different" feeing.  I was amazed how built up and modernize a lot of the areas were, but it also looked the same.  I drove around my old neighborhood and was glad to see the old house was being lived in.  I took my wife around to show the places where the stories I told her happened, and she appreciated that.   

After our shopping trip and tour to different vineyards and buying way too many bottles of wine, I was dead tired.  I did finally have some Sonic, which was interesting.  I spent the rest of the night taking everything in.  I feel happy I went up there, and should go there again, but I felt my parents there.  I had a lot of the memories of being in the area for so long go through my head, and I missed my parents.

My parents bought and built the house in 1987 and sold it in I think 2002 or 03.  I am amazed how they handled having two whole houses to upkeep and afford.  I do miss the house a little, and I understand when they sold the place.  But like I said, I miss the house and my parents. 

i love the Poconos, and I'd rather go someplace like there rather than a beach.  It was weird being in the area again, and I don't know going there more would lessen that.  Maybe going somewhere else like upstate or a totally different area to vacation would be better, but the familiarity of the Poconos does attract me.  Or I'm just being an idiot and overthinking.  

Improvement of life

by Peter Marus

I have been working hard to better my life.  For starts, in May I married my fiancee.  We had a ceremony at the courthouse.  The reason we did it this way is that we both have schedules where we are always working.  Also, we wanted to get it done.  Her mother was in the city at that time and we decided to get married.  I was a little nervous about the reaction from people, but it was positive at least on the surface.  So now my wife and I are not improving things like the house we are in and making it into our home.  I am so happy to share my life with her and we both help each other improve....though it's more her improving me than vice versa.

There are a couple other things I'm trying to improve.  One big one is my mental health.  I realized I seem to suffer from a lot of anxiety, which leads to my mind always thinking, mostly negative thoughts.  Rather than getting a doctor to stick me onto a pharmaceutical like Xanax, I looked up and found Kava kava.  I take it and it does make my mind clearer and calmer.  My worries so far are lessened, and I find myself productive.

Another way I'm trying to improve myself is professional.  I decided to learn Salesforce and try to obtain certification in that.  I started studying and watch videos on Salesforce.  It's not as daunting as I first thought it would be, but it is a deep subject and I have a lot to learn.

The New York Marks

by Peter Marus

I live in Queens and need to take the 7 train daily.  I hate it in the summertime when it's full of bros and dudes already gassed up to go to the baseball game in Flushing.  They go to see the New York Mets, AKA the New York Mutts and what I call them the New York Marks,

I used to be a Mets fan and a fan of baseball.  I won't go into detail why I stopped following both in detail, but I will say with the Mets it's more due to the inept ownership.  The Mets are run by a family that was duped by Bernie Madoff, and their stupidity and gullibility almost caused the downfall of their team.  This marks, a term for a sucker in a scam, believed their investment returns were never going to stop, they took out so many loans and spent money they didn't have on the team and the team did not live up to the investments.  They not only had to beg for money from MLB but had to take outside investors (which is almost its own pyramid scheme).  On top of all this is when the whole scam fell apart, the team was named as one of the biggest benefactors of the money being handed out.  So the creditors of the victims went after the Mets owners to get their money back.

So why are people still supporting a team ran like this?  This makes in my mind the fans bigger marks than the mark owners.  Seeing the "fanbase" though, it makes sense.  Most of the "fans" look like the type who are stealing money from old ladies and poor people just like their favorite team's owners.  Fuck them and fuck the Mets.  I wish these morons would be off my fucking train so I can get home in peace, or at least see some of these idiots stabbed on the train so I can have some enjoyment on my ride home.

A life without Facebook is a happier life

by Peter Marus

For the past several weeks, I stopped using Facebook.  I haven't totally stopped using it since I still use their message service for some people, but as far as Facebook proper I stopped using it.  

My reasons are simple.  There are so many falsehoods in how people portray themselves, and admittedly I am one is some form or another.  I would be at my job, usually in a mood due to my unhappiness about my job and place in the world in general, and seeing how happy people are in their lives led me to say to everyone "fuck your happiness".  At some point, I just said I don't want to not feel like that, so I decided to stop looking at Facebook.

I haven't quit all social media.  I am active on Twitter and Instagram, which sounds strange to some.  I find both those platforms more satisfying to look and be interactive on.  Twitter and Instagram have limitations put on the user, that limits the content one can post.  So both give more of a "snapshot" of what they are doing or how they feel. It's enough to say something, but it doesn't allow one to really construct a world of nonsense and lies like Facebook allows, or at least makes it more difficult for someone to do so.  I also find conversations on these platforms a lot more useful and "real".  The content found on both seem more solid and useful than what one finds on Facebook.

After this time, I feel happier.  I don't feel as much jealousy to other people and their "lives", or feel miserable when events I can't go to are being recapped or reported on.  Facebook always seems the most negative of the platforms, where people are more likely to tear one down rather than support.  Yes, I know there are many supportive points on Facebook, but they are dwarfed by the negative elements.  

Social media is an effective and useful idea and tool.  It just needs to be used right.  Studies have shown that it does lead to feelings of depression and unhappiness, but what should be looked at is something deeper-what those people look at and who they follow on it.

"Zelda" and mom

by Peter Marus

"The Legend of Zelda" is a video game series I always take time to try.  The latest one on Nintendo's new system looks to be the best, and I am going to get their system and play it.  The game series always has an emotional attachment to me because the first "Zelda" game was one I played along with my mom.   

My mom loved the game and it's puzzles.  I would play the game along with "Super Mario Brothers", and when I went to bed she would play them as well.  She and I would talk about "Zelda" and help each other in our games.  It was a cool thing.  She made it to the last part, but a friend of mine at the time accidentally loaded her game, not mine, to show me what to do at the game where I was having problems and beat the game with her save.  It was funny for a moment but it legit angered her since she wanted to win herself. 

That game and a couple others showed her the positives games have on kids and how they can help with hand eye coordination and problem solving skills. 

When I play games I think of her, and when I play "Zelda" games, I feel a level of emotional connection.  When I get the new system and game, I'm sure I'll feel like she's playing with me.


6 months after she left

by Peter Marus

It's been about six months since my mom died  I know at my age one would think it's strange, but I do miss her a lot and feel a level of being lost.  If you don't feel that without your parents around, there's something wrong with you.  I am still here in my house and slowly getting rid of stuff.  I am amazed with the level of crap my parents kept.  Most of it is stuff they just collected and mostly never thought of since getting them.  There's so much accumulated crap from dead relatives, and from others wanting us to hold stuff for them.  I know there's value with a lot of the stuff, especially the historical and sentimental aspect, but I want to shed a lot of if not all of them.  It feels like a weight on me, encumbering me in moving forward.  Should I keep a bunch of it to keep some link to the generations behind me? Probably, but at the same time it's things that don't give me joy or any emotional feeling.  I have my memories, which I value over a lot of the physical things.

Miss me?

by Peter Marus

SO, the past month or so I've been quiet.  Mostly every time I would come to this page to write, I would be too tired to put my thoughts into words.  Work has had me consumed, which sounds weird considering the job I do.  I also have been trying to navigate my feelings and thoughts I have.

This time of year is really tough for me, which I'm sure it is for many.  November and December are months where as much joy there should be, there is also a lot of sadness.  I've lost count how many relatives I've lost in these two months over the years.  It's sad, and this year losing my mother has added more to the sadness.  Thanksgiving was nice to have what's left of my family together and share in some joy.  I don't want to get into my work deal, beyond I've done 6 days a week for most of the year, and that's taken a toll physically and mentally.  More and more I feel like just leaving, but since I don't have anything to fall back on, I force myself to suck it up.  Looking for work is tough wth the time issue, and when I get home the last thing I want to do is look for work.  It forces me back into the feelings I feel as I work now, which aren't good enjoyable feelings.  I walk into the door at home, I just want to escape the day and spend time with my Fiancee.  

My Fiancee is one of the things that keeps me going.  Her love and support has been one of the main things that has kept me going.  She's done things I cannot repay her for.  We hosted Christmas at the house, and she cooked a fantastic meal.  She helped keep the mood right in the house.  My aunt and sister had their hesitations coming to the house, since they still haven't fully handled my Mom's death, but it was nice to see them.  It was nice to hear them happy to see us making the house more our own.

Seeing them and how they are trying to handle Mom and her death, made me realize I have had no time to do that.  After she died and we went through the funeral and stuff, I went straight to work.  I haven't had a moment to sit back away from everyone and everything and really figure out how I feel about it.  It's tough to explain, but I'd kill to just not work and kill any distractions I have to focus on me, be a selfish asshole, and get me right.  

A week on a ship

by Peter Marus

I spent on a week on a ship island hopping through the Caribbean.  The main purpose of the trip was for a wedding of my Fiancee's friend.  When we got to Florida we had to help the groom's family get to the boat, since apparently the groom was too lazy to do that himself.  After getting them to the port, and helping them figure out the bag tagging for them, the groom showed up.  Now, I always learned that you can tell by the quality of a man by the first handshake he gives.  After he realized who we were (he walked past us as if my Fiancee and I were ghosts), he shook my hand.  It was limp and pathetic.  That right there told me everything I needed to know about him.  I didn't need the fact that he openly ignored me when we passed each other on the ship, or when he ignored me and my Fiancee at dinner as he spoke to everyone else at the table we sat at.  When he did speak to me it was in an insulting way, which made my Fiancee rush me away from him before I spoke back to him.  Good thing is he's not my family's problem and I don't have to deal with him on any regular basis.  

Besides that nonsense, it was a fun trip.  spent a day in Jamaica, Cayman Islands, and Mexico.  I wish we had more time at each spot, but we got to spend time on the beach and tour the island of Cozumel.  The good news is on each spot I didn't get the feeling of hatred for American tourists, which I usually get around another Americans when they speak or do something on trips in other nations.  

Taking a cruise, you get to see every deadly sin in action.  It's quite fascinating.  You also see how Americans from different regions of the country interact with each other, which in general seems fine.  There wasn't a race war on the boat, no political arguments, just people having fun.  You also see Europeans react to our people, which was also nice.  Considering how many people are on a ship, and how often you are in the middle of the sea, it was good.  Maybe if our nation acted like a damn cruise ship, most of the nonsense we see wouldn't happen.  

Maybe this realization has been the years of martial arts training.  I found myself walking around not caring what I wore or how I looked, or if I offended anyone.  That level of confidence help get me through some of the nonsense, especially when it came to the other side of the wedding party.  It also helped me keep cool in times I may have not.  Like when this goofy white guy who was with the grooms party kept obnoxiously saying he's the token white guy, and at one point from what I hear, tried to equate himself with me.  Apparently he was shut up by being told that I was born and raised in Queens and probably more Dominican than half the Dominicans at the wedding.  

Lastly, since I got Miami stations in my room, I forgot how insane living in a battleground state is.  There were no ads for products on their stations, just attack ads after attack ads for every level of government.  Last time I saw that level of garbage was when I lived in Pennsylvania, which had just as many and stupid ads.  Both Florida and Pennsylvania ads have candidates damn near accuse the other of kid touching and animal torture.  I cannot wait until the election is over.

​The farce of the purity in sports.

by Peter Marus

I laugh at how some fans have some ideological idea how their team and sport should be ran.  Some say they are against the "modern" version of sports-where corporate $ comes into their league or team.  These are the fans who don't want success or to see their team evolve and grow.  These are also the people who get upset when a player for their team leaves to another.  This hypocritical attitude is comical.  So let me get this right, you can move to another company all YOU want for more money, have no qualms about it, but will lose their minds if a player for their favorite team does the same.


Those who want the romanticized way they want their sports played, keep watching kids leagues.  That's probably the only place your ideals are still present.  In the real world, sports are full of mercenaries playing for brutal sociopathic billionaires, all for the entertainment of the masses and giving the masses a sad and pathetic feeling of their primal urges nothing else gives them.

Alone at home

by Peter Marus

I"m sitting in my house alone.  Everyone else is gone for a few days.  I sit here and I am starting to really feel the ghosts of the past here.  I sit in the living room and just feel my family's history in this house.  Just before I started writing, I felt a need to talk to my mom.  I have those feelings a lot, but talking to her is a little difficult.  I look at the things in the room here and on the first floor, and it's a lot of stuff I don't want or need.  The house feels like a museum to my parents, and on some level it's a comforting thing.  But at the same time, I realize that in order to move forward with my life, I need to let go of the past in some ways.  This house needs to change, and it shouldn't feel like a continuation of what my parents had.  It's not an easy change, I dare say it's a little scary.  All change is scary, but it's both needed and inevitable.  All you can do is figure out the best solution to the change to benefit you the best.

Virtual assistants

by Peter Marus

I want to use these new virtual assistants.They all are interesting and seem cool to use.I have experience with all of them. They are still in their infancy, and much has improved in a lot of ways, but there are issues with each. Here's some thoughts I have on each:

Siri works great with Apple apps.  It works pretty seamlessly, but still needs voice recognition improvement.  It has potential if it wasn't so closed.  Also if hooked into search engines more to help give answers rather than just a list of links. Also limited access to apps help more, but not allowing apps that compete with their products like Spotify, hurt it.  I get the reason but at the same time it's irritating.

Google Now, which I don't fully use since I'm not on an Android phone, has a lot more use.  Not sure how hooked into apps they are, but it's better used with "real talk".  The cards work great, and if that could be the home page of a phone (which it might, I don't use Android phones).

Amazon Alexa works great with echo.  For a voice only assistant it works great.  It does use Google apps for calendar, reminders, but I wish it used apple and other companies API.  It does let me use Spotify, and uses other service but I haven't dove into them yet.  Alexa does with with smarthome stuff, and it's pretty sweet turning on and off lights with Alexa.

All three have their uses, and have potential, but being so siloed hurts all of them.

Picking up the pieces

by Peter Marus

I wrote a month ago about my tradition in life.  Since then it's still going on.  It's difficult to move though, since I have no time.  When my mom died, I did what most people do after a death: just get back into the hamster wheel and keep moving.  For the short term it works-it gives you a sense of normalcy.  What happens is some jobs like the one I have now, where you work six days a week, it puts you in a haze.  You have one day off to get two to three days work of errands and stuff done.  This isn't a productive way to live.  

I am now going to try to get my A+ certification again, despite the hurdles.  I am studying again and watching tutorial videos online.  It's funny what you need to know on the test that you'll probably never see in real life, which is how it goes in any certification test.  I wish I could take a formal class to re learn some of this, but my job wont accommodate that after saying I want to do this.  So despite them, I'm going to do it.  

Another issue is in my house.  I have my fiancée here and my sister.  My sister has a house on Long Island with her significant other but haven't fully moved in (they said it's because of they need work on it and with my mom dying it changed their plans).  The tow of them get along, but it feels like we are walking on eggshells.  My fiancée and I want to change some stuff in the house, but my sister doesn't want change.  It's frustrating and trying to work through it makes things a little dicey with my sister.  At some point it will come to a head and may not be pretty, but at the same time my fiancée moving in was planned long before my mom dying so I don't think my sister should be so put off with things. 

Positivity is something I'm trying to improve in my life as usual.  With all the negative crap I find myself in needs to change and I'm trying to fix myself.  I'm trying to talk myself up positivity, and stop all the negative talk my mind always has swirling in it all day at work.  It's important to do this since it's better for my well being, but also I have a lot of time to think at work, and I'd rather try to be more productive in that.


by Peter Marus

I've been moving forward with life since my mom's passing.  The past three weeks have been a blur.  After the funeral, I just jumped back into work, getting the house stuff done, and getting used to living with my now fiancée.   

My job has been the same, but it's now six days a week (it's been six days a week for months).  I know many people do that much a week, but those people also are paid well to compensate for it, and usually have a better schedule daily to make it work.  My schedule is 11am to 7 pm, which with trace means my "work day" is 9:30-8pm.  That leaves almost no time to get a lot done, like looking for better jobs or even have time to sit back and get my head straight with my feelings and thoughts on my mom's passing. My "day off" feels like another work day getting errands and a weekend worth of stuff done in one day.  

I'm starting to feel the effects of this.  Like I said, I really haven't had the time to sit back and get through my head and just the simple idea of feelings of her loss.  When my dad died it was almost the same thing, and it wasn't pretty.  

Its not like I'm going this alone.  I'm lucky my sister has helped out a lot with the stuff that needs to be done.  She's been a rock for me the past few weeks.  My fiancée also has helped with the house and getting it more set up "for us".  They have been invaluable in this time.   

Mad far as my career.  I don't want to settle anymore.  It's like buying clothes: settle with the bargain labels usually leads to disappointment, frustration, and just a feeling of being a waste of time.  Same is for companies you go to work for and find yourself in a company that's not "your level".  My past couple jobs have been that way, and I'm sick of it.  My career move is going to aim for better places to work with people on my level.  I busted my ass in school to not work for companies who seem to strive for mediocrity or just happy with "good enough"  with their work, while trying to keep their image up.  Or companies that, quite frankly, are full of people with their heads up their asses and wouldn't know if they should shit or wind their watches when it's time to step up.

All I have to now is find time to do my job search.  That's hard standing in a store all day and with only a smartphone, which limits my options for looking and applying for work.

That's my update.


by Peter Marus

I am writing this in lieu of a eulogy.  She didn't want one at her funeral, so there was none.  

Last Tuesday, my mom passed away.  She was in the hospital for a week prior fighting an infection that sent her blood pressure way down, and as much as she was improving, the years battling cancer and her other chronic issues finally was too much for her.  As sad as it is to lose her, I feel a bit of peace knowing she isn't suffering through the mountain of health issues she had.  

When she first went into the hospital, and had to be put on a breathing tube, my sister and I had to have it removed, as per her DNR/DNI she signed, freakishly, one year prior.  We had it removed, and she started breathing on her own.  After a couple days in ICU, she was moved to a regular room due to the amount she was improving.  When she was in her room, they were treating her for fluid in her lungs and her issues breathing (partly from all the fluids she was given).  Part of me knew it was coming to the end, even before home hospice came to speak with her.  She also knew, went as far as telling me.  She was calm about it or at least gave the illusion she was.  The day she died, my sister was with her moments before she did pass.  My sister left, and according to the nurse, she went quickly and peacefully.  I was glad my sister got to be the last family member to see her.  Sure, I'd love to have seen her one more time to tell her I loved her, but I am glad she saw a family member before leaving this world.

Dorothy Marus was an amazing woman.  She was a great mother, a teacher for countless young men and women in all her years teaching at St. Gabriel's in East Elmhurst, St. Pauls Episcopal School in College Point, and St. Stanislaus in Maspeth.  Her teaching and parenting-tough but fair_ mounded all those who were under her into better people.  She was selfless, compromising her health and her own needs for those who she loved.  She would go out of her way to help others, not out of self-gratification or her agenda, but out of a sense of duty and responsibility.  Her dedication was unquestioned.  Not to mention all she would do for our dogs, who she loved as if they were her own children.  

I am going to miss her, just like I miss my dad.  I'm scared and a little confused for my next step, I'll be honest, but I know what I do will be right, she taught me how to always do the right thing-even if it wasn't the easiest session to learn.  I really can't put into words here my thoughts, I have to still go through them, but I hope a little I have put makes sense and helps you understand.

I want to ask you to do one thing: I know she here have their issues with their moms, and may have estranged relationships with them.  I wish you do get a hold of your mom and just say hi and you love her.  You only get one in this world, and they are the ones who make you who you are (dads do too, but moms have a special thing, like the special thing they do to make food taste better, clothes cleaner, etc.).  You literally came from them, and I hope you make them know you appreciate that. 

too much stuff in life

by Peter Marus

I sit in my house, look around, and realize how much stuff I have around.  I have too much stuff!!

Life changes has me thinking of cleaning out a lot of it.  I don't need a lot of it, I have it around "just in case", and a lot is here because I never thought of getting rid of it.  I need to start clearing it out.  I kind of feel some claustrophobia having all this stuff.  Thing is I also feel a level of overwhelming thinking where to start.  

Part of me is thinking of just looking at something, and if I can't think of a legitimate reason to have it, toss it in a garbage bag.  Maybe I'll regret getting rid of something down the road, but that's the thought that has gotten me in this situation in the first place! 

I look at my house again, and see that this is the house in the family that tends to get "the dead people's stuff".  For years people die, and some of it ends up here because it's the place that has room.  Sure, some say to just hold it for a bit and we'll take it later, but they usually abandon the idea because "they couldn't make room", forget about it, or just con my family to take it.  I have no idea what actual value this stuff is, not do I really care.  It's just stuff to me, and it's taking up space.  

I can go through the whole "donate this crap to places like Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc.", but that sounds like more work to get logistics in order, and time to make sure things are picked up.  Also, some of this stuff may not be taken by them for all I know.  I've thought also just emptying the garage, pile it up in there, and call those junk companies and pay them to take it away.  That sounds like a better idea, but a little pricy.  

The physical stuff is just that, stuff.  It's things or tools to get something done.  I have little emotional attachment to it, though some evokes emotions in me when I use them.  I think any emotional attachment is something that cause half of this crap is here.  I need to tap into my inner sociopath and just shut the emotions off and get this done.  

In a broader sense, I also have a lot of stuff in my head.  I have a lot on my mind, and it's taking up room and weighing me down.  It's a little paralyzing, and many of it in the bigger picture isn't needed.  It's also overwhelming to figure out how to get rid of the thoughts.  

Main thing to get out of all this: stop holding onto things, you run out of room.