I am still sometimes amazed the amount of support I have around me. I know there are some out there that do read this and do seem to care about me. They write to me every so often to tell me that or how wrong I am about something. Last night was a night that also helped me see the amount of support I have from my family. I know it sounds wrong to some to question that, and I am not doing that. I am just still amazed how much there really is. I needed the distraction I had for a couple hours to be me again, and also get what's swirling in my mind the past few weeks out to get their advice. I know some others have given me support and advice about this thing, but last night was the first real time I went into real detail about everything with someone. Don't be insulted if I didn't go into real detail with you if I did talk to you recently, I just don't know you (and vice versa) that well, and who I talked to are people who are almost my brother and sister.
Yesterday I had a hard time dealing with what has been on my mind. I've been thinking about all this for weeks, going through all the emotions and feelings that came up when what's on my mind came back into my thoughts and life a couple weeks ago. This hasn't been a bad thing, since now all the bad feelings and anger are no more after thinking about all of it and learning new things. But at the same time, All the other feelings I had in the past came up and I have a lot of questions that were unanswered that I want to have answered. The catch is that its not going to be easy to get these answers. I know this may not make sense, but I really cant' get into too much details right now. Maybe one day I can. Well I have been having all these thoughts running in my mind and it's like on a treadmil, just running in place in my mind. I was sick of thinking about all of this by myself and I also needed to hear someone else's opinion and possible advice. So I text (I was at work) my cousin to see if he as free to talk later that night, and he said yeah and come over to have dinner too. Usually I would have just called him on the phone to tlak to him, but I all I've been doing lately as far as any communication with people the past several days has been either text, email, or phone and I honestly needed to talk face-to-face to someone.
So after work I took the train out to his place, thinking on the train how I am going to explain all this. See, my cousin loves me, he is like an older brother to me. This is a good thng, but on occasion he can be a little over-protective. I know he has the best of intentions and he really does care, but sometimes it isn't what I need at the time. So anyway, I get to his apartment and he nand his wife are there. I sit down and we start eating. After explaining why I was there (the need to actually talk to someone rather than on the phone), I start explaining things. I had an idea as far as what I wanted to tell them, but like when I had to give the speech at his wedding, whatever outline in my head dissapeared and I froze. Eventually I got my ideas straight and got what I wanted out. It was still a hard thing to do, since all those emotions were now moving “forward”, as in out to someone else, rather than still sitting in my head, and it was a weird feeling, something I never expected to feel. I was shaking and felt cold. After I got all my ramblings out, and the occasional ADD moments (like Shawn Green's huge ears on the TV screen), it was my cousin and his wife turn to tell me their opinion. I had a thought as to what my cousin was going to say, but he surprised me by going the other way. Granted what he was telling me was pretty much what I came to as far as conclusions, and what they said I should do is what I already did, but it was cool to see they supported me and saw where I coming from with what I was talking about. It took a lot of the weight of of my shoulders and mind (not all of it, but a lot).
After dinner and the talking came the distraction I needed. My cousin decides to pick up “Guitar Heros” for the Xbox 360. He spent almost 100 bucks for the game and “controller” that looks like a actual guitar. It's the dumbest thing I've seen, and to see a grown adult with it, is even funnier. It's a dumb game, but my cousin is into these goofy things so I guess it's par for the course. I know it's a popular game and all, but I don't get it. Watching him play this stupid thing made me both laugh and cry. His wife kept looking at me like “yeah, I married him”, and she and I just busted his balls the rest of the night as he played. When I looked at the clock, it was about 11, and I had o go home. My cousin drove me home, and as we were driving, I felt like a million bucks, and more focused. Ok, things aren't totally settled, but as far as I go, I feel a lot better, and I am ready for whatever outcome there is to the whole situation. Right now I did all I could do on my end, and now I'm waiting for whatever the resolution of the situation.
I can't thank my cousin and his wife enough for what they did, not just last night but everything they have done. I've been through a lot of low moments in my life and they have been who helped me out. In the end, no matter what happens in the future, I know that I will be OK.