by Peter Marus

I”ve been in a weird mood lately. Could just be the time of year, but i could be something else, I have no clue. For some reason I've been feeling that people are going around my back and keeping me in the dark about a lot of things. Maybe people are, maybe not, but I just have that feeling. Probably just that but if it is, but then again a lot of the time these feelings have come out to be right, so I've not been in the best of moods. It could be me simply going nuts, considering a lot of things aren't set as far as the next 6 months. Also with adjusting to losing some stuff in my life hasn't been easy. Change usually isn't supposed to be easy, so I guess it's par for the course.

Also for some reason, it's March and already I'm getting the “Oh my God I'm turning 30, and for the most part I got exactly between jack and shit to show for it” thoughts going through my head. I never understood why 30 is the big number, mostly I guess it's when someone's is supposed to have their shit together and ready to be a full adult, but one never really can be sure that they are ready for anything. Sure, one can prepare all they want, but no one is ever ready for anything, particular change in life. It's not totally consuming my thoughts, but it does pop up from time to time. I look at all that i have done, and yes I have accomplished a lot, but I always feel like I could have done more. In the end all the choices I have made have led me to where I am today, and I have no one to blame for all this if it is wrong but myself. Then again, I”ve always been hard on myself and somewhat a perfectionist that has gotten me into some problems, so I guess it's something I should be used to. I still have about five months to get all this sorted out, so I got time to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Also I came to the realization that I am reaching the halfway point of my life considering my male members' family's history.

Anyway, like I said I have a few months to figure all this out. I hope that when it comes, I am able to spend the next week upstate celebrating my birthday and vacation reliving my college days. One thing that I know won't be happening is that I won't be celebrating it with someone that did say they wanted to celebrate my 30th with me, but due to a self-sabotaging attitude and a series of lies, those plans drastically changed, and part of me is glad about it that I won't have to deal with that drama/headache and celebrate how I want, now if I will remember it is the other question.