I can't sleep...

by Peter Marus

It's about 1:30 right now and I can't sleep.  Why you ask? Mostly because my mind won't shut the f up!!! I lay down in bed and all I hear in my head are random thoughts I've had.  Most of the thoughts revolve around my past, something I've been trying to let go, but can't for some reason.  I keep feeling I'm trapped in a box like a mime and I can't find my way out of it.  I don't know If I should be sharing some of this ina forum like this, but I find typing/writing things out can be therapeutic.

     I am the anti-Midas.  All the things I touch or get involved in turn to crap.  Be it relationships. Jobs, anything.  I don't know why this is, but this has been happening since I graduated from college.  After college, I thought that crap people always told me that I'll have no problem getting a job right after college may come true.  It did partly, I got my summer internship at a local cable television station in NE Pa.  Well, during this time, I learned a lot, and had another bunch of crap fed to me like a pathetic starving puppy.  "Oh, don't worry, once your internship is done, you'll have no problem getting a job notonly here but in the region at another station should you choose to do that!!" 

     Well, after my internship, technically it was true.  I became a freelance videographer (PC term is "independent Contractor").  At first it was Ok, I had good amount of work and all, but I wanted something more stable (and with bebefits).  Well, lo and behold the company wanted to interview me for a position in the news department.  SO I first get told I have to talk to the HR person ("but don't worry, it's just a formality, you as good as gold for this job" said people).  After meeting the HR person, who had a 70s porno moustache, the tells me he talked to the general manager of the station (who had no idea about my work or professional relationship with me, I didn't work directly under her) and they both felt I didn't have enough experience for the position (one that said "no exp. required" on the description) and I should stay freelance to get more experience.  So 2 people who have no idea about what I did during my internship that made me more than qualified for the job knew all about me to make this judgment, and NEVER talked to my boss, head of Creative Services about me.  Right then and there I should have left the company, but I needed the work.

     So after a few months of working there and making friends with some higherups, I get a call form the head of the news department one morning at 8am. She wanted me to meet her for an interview at 10.  I asker her if the time could be changed, since I had gotten home at 2 am after another shoot for the station.  She seemed in a bad mood from the start and wouldn't change it.  So I had 2 hours to get ready for an interview, and 1 of those hours will consist of driving to the station.  I showered and started running around my house like a madman, getting the least wrinkled shirt and pants to wear and trying to print out my resume.  I haul ass to the station, and get there just in time for the interview, which consisted of a test about cameras and a mock interview where I had no info about it (something that never happens in real life).  So I think I do ok, and had to hang around the studios for 2 hours (had something to work on later that day, so I figured to stay there).  A week later the GM calls me.  She said I didn't get the job due to my unprofessional attire I wore to the station and that although I have the skills to do the work, they can't offer me the job.  But on the bright side, she did raise my pay from $6.75 to $7.00, and that she gave her word that I will be hired the next round of hiring occurs.   Again, I should have left right then and there, but I stayed.

     During this time, more and more High School kids were hired as freelancers, and as you know no one is more able to handle the maturity and professionalism of a job than a high school kid!!!  Needless to say, they weren't great workers, but they were not fired since the station was so desperate for people to work.  After about 2 months of all this, I hear that one of the high schoolers was hired to work there for the summer!!! So I'm losing jobs to high school ass-kissing jizzbags.  Some of the videographers in the news department were good friends to me and thought me a lot throughout my stay there, and they were always trying to get my foot in the door.  when it was announced that this kid was hired, many of them went to the head of the news department and started screaming about this and why I wasn't hired.  It turns out she gave some BS remark, but the reason was I was friends with people in the company that she and the GM don't like.  SO after 1 1/2 years of the BS I quit on my birthday.  They thought I was bluffing, and they did eventually offered me a better job with full benefits and all, but I didn't' take it. 

     I moved home right after that, and thought I would get a job with no problem.  well9/11 happens and NO jobs around!!!  I did make some money doing odd jobs, but nothing full or even part time.  so I bounced around doing this, along with taking different classes.  (I'm not getting into to many details about this part) I was looking seriously into medical billing classes, but a relative got sick and I chose (CHOSE) to not take the class and stop looking for work in order to help out with my sick relative and his wife.  This is something people to this day criticize me for doing, but I have my reasons for doing it.  I did it because it was the right thing to do.  So Everyday I drove to and from the hospital, and doing errands for my relatives.  unfortunately, the relative in the hospital passed away.  SO not I"m back looking for work (and did take the course).  I never relize how much of a negative impact the gap I have in my employment would make.  No matter how much I explain it to people, I still look like a loser in their eyes.

     My thoughts at night revolve aroundthe question "Did I really do the right things throughout my life?"  I honestly don't have a clue.  I think if I didn't choose to help my relatives, I may have looked like a monster to them and the guilt of not helping would eat at me.  I also think about the repercussions about helping them.  I lost a relationship with a fantastic woman (long distance).  we planned on meeting one day, and the money I saved to go see her I used to live off of during this time of helping.  In the end she found someone closer because she was tired of waiting for me to see her.  I do think about how things could be different if I did see her, but I also try to not at the same time, brings up too much pain.   I also think about the lost job opportunities as well, but I was told the economy in the near future would be good again, so I thought there would be a job waiting.  I'm 25 and have nothing as far as a career. I hate talking about jobs/career with others because I feel ashamed, partly because of the things I chose.


but I have to live with these choices I made.....Now I got this out, hopefully I can get some sleep.