two weeks later, an update

by Peter Marus

Well it’s been a week since my father passed was buried, and I still haven’t felt the gull force of him not being here.  I have felt it a little bit, like when I was expecting him to come home one night and I was going to ask him about the impending strike by MTA people, then I realized he won’t be here.  It also sort of hit me when I was with my mother at his old job, where she had to go and fill out all the paperwork for the pension and medical she will be receiving.  It was so odd being at his old job, knowing that this could be the last time I will ever have to come here or even in the area of the city where his job was located.  Tonight I have been feeling down about him not being here, but not down enough to get emotional.  All my emotional stuff I think I got over right after I was told he was gone, where I paced in front of my house for an hour both angry and scared.

For those who haven’t’ lost a father or a relative that you were so close to, I really can’t full describe how it’s like.  The best way I can say it is this; imagine the one person that you looked to for everything-advice, help, etc….now take him away before you were able to get all the answers you are looking for, and you knew that person was the only one who could have answered the questions for you in the way you could understand.  The past several days a lot of questions have came up, and I am having a hard time figuring out what the answers are.  Like I said, hard to explain what’s going on in my head.

I have been using my father’s car, and today I put in my XM equipment, which looks even more half-assed as it did in my Ford!!!  I still have to make sure all the wires and the cradle is in the place it should be, but it all works, so the important thing is right!  I have spent the past couple days shopping for gifts, and this has helped me get my head cleared up.  My family is hard to shop for, but if they don’t like what I get them, that’s their problem.  My way of shopping is odd.  I got to a store, and get a bunch of random things and when I get home, I figure out who gets what.   I find this easier than going out of my mind trying to figure out who need/wants what.

I have another interview for a job Tuesday, and it figures that the transit strike may go down that morning!!!  I haven’t worked since before my dad’s passing, and I wasn’t taking assignments since.  Mostly because my head wasn’t in it and I also wanted to make sure all the loose ends were tied up as far as my mother.  I had a couple nice ones offered to me too, but I really wasn’t mentally right to just go back to work-I don’t think I am now, but I have to get back to making some money (rather than sitting on my ass and not making any)

That’s all I got to talk about now, I may add more over the weekend