FM-the "Matrix" of radio, Thank God I live in the "real" world of XM

by Peter Marus

Today kiddies I am going to explain to you the abortion called “free FM”, Radios’ most desperate attempt at combating the exodus of listeners to Satellite radio.  Free Fm is the new brand that CBS came up with, and the idea is to show that you can still have entertaining radio on free radio.  Only sad thing is that you usually get what you pay for.  First, Free Fm only has at best c-level talent on their stations.  I will get into who is on the formerly known as K-rock (or as I always called it “the krock of shit music station”) in a bit, but now I want to focus on how pathetic CBS Radio (the brainchild of this) really is and how they are going to fail and lose billions on all this.

Here’s the big problem with “Free Radio”; all the positives they showcase are actually the biggest negatives and reasons why people are getting Satellite radio (9 million so far, but only 6 million got the real company).  Ironically, Free bashes Satellite in their 20+ minute commercial breaks, something Satellite radio channels don’t have (maybe 6-8 minutes every hour on the O&A/R&F channel (High Voltage 202), but that’s on a worst case scenario and whatever ads they have for the non-XM produced channels (ESPN, FOX news, etc.), but there are NO commercials on any of the music stations.  The only breaks in the music are the ones where the DJs come in and talks about some things on other XM channels or gives info on some of the music he played, and at most all that takes 5 minutes.  Also, all the tings on Satellite are uncensored, which is one of the major reasons I got Satellite.  Free will still have heavily edited, sanitized dogshit that they think people will want to and they will try to pass off as “edgy”.   Free will also cut up music if it has a hint of anything controversial, and that just kills any songs (try to listen to a classic rock station and they will most likely cut down some long song to get some more ad time in).

Now onto the “Talent”; put it this way, all the good people who were ever in radio now work for either XM or that minor league company Sirius.  What’s left are one market sensations, has-beens or never was.

In New York (and some other cities), there’s David Lee Roth, the Ex-Van Halen lead singer, who hasn’t been relevant in over 15 years.  Of all the people out there to put in your top markets on the East Coast, INCLUDING THE #1 Market NYC, why would you put a west coast, overrated “personality” in there?  You mean to tell me that after 15 months since Howie said he’s moving to Satellite this is the best morning guy you can find (yes I know in other markets there’s other hacks, but I focus in NYC since I’m here).  I heard parts of it when O&A were in breaks, and Roth is unlistenable. He has music in the background, that goes louder when Roth doesn’t talk, and all he’s talking about is NOTHING!!! Not Seinfeld nothing, but NOTHING!!!!  I didn’t’ have a clue what he was talking about, and I had to shut it off.  Also, there were a ton of commercials, and he had to do live reads, which were an abomination.  I give him until the summer and he will be gone

Next are some nobodies form California, and you can hear the corporate leashes they are on (actually all of the shows are, since they are trying to pass off Satellite radio as garbage and you shouldn’t have to pay for radio).  And for an hour (well 20 minutes I hear when the broadcast shat the bed) was Penn of Penn and Teller fame.  I like Penn and teller’s show on Showtime, but I can’t see Penn having a good show for only an hour, which is probably only 20 minutes due to commercials.

Next is there Radio chick in afternoon drive time, a desperate old skank that’s a the three-time loser in NYC.  She has failed on regular radio twice, and just got dropped like a bad habit from Sirius.  That’s the most depressing part that she couldn’t cut it on Satellite to a national audience, something she always claimed she could do.  Her show always sucked, she had a couple hack comics on her show that brought no funny anything to her show.  To quote Opie of Opie and Anthony, “CBS hired a grandmother to talk dirty to teenagers”.  Again by summer, she may finally get the hint she sucks and is gone from NYC

After her is the saddest failed abortion, Booker.  He has been on Krock for many years and I think has a total of 5 fans.  He had a morning show with his then-girlfriend Lynda Lopez (Jlo’s sister).  As soon as the show was dropped after 3 months on another failed CBS station that attempted to cater to women, his chick dropped him like a bad habit.  You may have also seen this pretty boy wannabe rocker on Vh1, and Entertainment Tonight as a reporter…something the real hard rocking men do.  I don’t know how he kept his job so long (probably his pretty boy crap), since he had NO listeners-I believe he was the third lowest rated show in NYC.  He also had this big bus trip to Atlantic City, where he claimed it was a full bus, but I know people who witnessed that it was only half full, and all the women on the bus were hired by the station from various escort services.  He is also the one CBS tried to make into the “cleaner, corporate friendly” O&A, down to the Rage against the Machine opening music, and some of the “bits; Booker happened to come up with.  He said they were all edgy bits, but I’m sure he had to pass it through an army of lawyers, CBS and FCC reps to make sure it’s all PC and won’t step on anyone’s toes.  I hope he gets called out as fraud that he is, and I think he’ll finally be gone by summer, but he is like the cockroach (who likes cockroaches, minus “roaches”) and I have a feeling he’ll be on his knees to get another shot (take that last phrase as you will…I can think of a couple ways which are probably true).

This whole radio thing makes me happy that I have satellite radio.  For a price of a CD, I get what radio should be, and not a carefully plotted profit driven piece of garbage called FM radio.