time to dust this thing off and actually update it

by Peter Marus

Long time no type! It has been awhile, but that’s because I’ve been busy.  First my job is going well.  I’m getting more hours, and it looks like I may get full-time status in the near future.  It seems I’m liked at this job, and that they do want me around.  So it’s looking like this odd twist in my employment career is turning into something that’s starting to be beneficial.

Health-wise I’m doing well.  I’m losing weight, and starting to look halfway decent if I do say so myself.  I was put on a blood-pressure medicine because my last reading was a little too high, but nothing to really be too concerned as far as going to a hospital for.  I can’t describe how odd it looked to me the other day when I catch myself in the mirror and noticed my mass around my stomach is less, and that all my clothes are getting a little baggier.  To tell the truth, the weight thing isn’t a big deal to me, as long as I am healthier overall.  I do not want to have all the problems like my father and grandfather had, and even if it means changing my life now to do it, so be it.  I don’t want to one-day feel on top of the world, and the next day be dead from a heart attack like what happened with my father.  

It’s not just in physical health I’m feeling better with.  My mind is feeling a lot clear and calmer.  I can attribute it to a couple things.  First, I have been doing yoga for a while and it helped me learn to focus and breathe to calm myself. Plus it has made me more flexible and keeps me loose.

Another big thing that has happened is I have met someone.  We’ve been talking for a while now, and we’ve met up a couple times.  I really don’t want to get into the thing too much, since I’m afraid of jinxing it, but I can say that since we’ve met, I’ve been in a better mood.  When we talk, it’s like we’ve known each other for a lot longer than we actually do.  I feel comfortable talking about things that I wouldn’t be at this stage, and I have an immense trust in her.  We met up a couple times, and the entire time we hung out, it was like I didn’t’ feel any large amount of awkwardness (obviously the first meeting was a little odd, but that went away quick).    

Talking with her really made me think about myself and how I live my life and how I think.  First, I am trying to get my mindset out of “planning” things, because looking back on my life, I find all the tings I planed to do didn’t work out, and that all that planning for tomorrow didn’t let me enjoy what I have today.  Another thing I learned is that as “bad” as my life has been (in my mind at least), I’m not the only one out there that things they had a bad life.  Looking back on my life, I’ve done a hell of a lot with my life, but I haven’t been able to see it because my mind is so wrapped up in all the negatives and this impossible goal of mine to be “better” in the eyes of my family.  What do I mean by “better”?  I can’t say.  I just wanted to do better and improve all the things on my life.  Talking about this with someone else made me realize that the goal I was looking for is impossible, since there really isn’t a goal at all.  

After talking for hours about all the things in my life to this person, one thing hit me.  It’s insane how much I’ve told her, and she hasn’t judged me.  It’s so weird having someone outside my family doing that.  It’s also refreshing and great that I met someone that I don’t have to really worry about what they are going to thing about me and who I am.  After so many years of not trusting anyone and getting screwed over, it’s so good to feel this cool about someone.  

Well that’s it for now.  Maybe I’ll start updating this thing more often