Thank Yous, Fuck Yous, and how I feel after last weekend about part of my life

by Peter Marus

Saturday was a surreal day or me.  It’s a day I didn’t think would ever come.  After over a decade of following the NJ/NJ Franchise of Major League Soccer, I think I am finished with going to games, maybe finished altogether.  


I spent this summer not going to games.  I did other things-hang out with friends and my girlfriend, going to events like the BJJ Tournament to watch what no-gi BJJ is like, or just did nothing around the house.  I know that my passion or need to go to MLS games started to wane when doing all this, it didn’t bother me one bit I wasn’t at a game.  I lost money on the season tickets I have, but I don’t care.  I didn’t care about what I was missing.  And got what am I really missing?


I can tell you what I wasn’t missing, and what really helped kill my passion.  I didn’t miss all the posturing and fucking bullshit that was within both supporters clubs.  I didn’t miss one group that is ran by  a passive-aggressive pussy who always ducked me when I just wanted to find out some information.  actually, he did show balls once-when his chick at the time (the official mattress of the Red Bulls from 06-08...allegedly, and is now giving supporters a ride one supporter at a time...unless some rumors are true that I heard...choo choo).  I don’t miss some loudmouth insecure pissant, who’s only claim to fame is he happens to scream loudest.  He must cream his pants on the podium leading one section in songs, but inside die a little because without that, he’s just a loudmouth pariah on all the people he’s been connected to, and those he drove away or just sucked dry financially.  I don’t miss the heyseed who always wanted my opinions on things, only to steal my ideas and fuck me over.  I didn’t miss the lack of respect from newbies who don’t know what the fuck it means to be a supporter.  


On the other hand, I didn’t miss the thuggery gimmick, and the “I’m the working class” gimmick that some had, but in reality they are just “weekend warriors”. Im sick of the wannabe English jargon, accent, vocabulary, and just bullshit.  I am just tired of those who are trying to be things on Saturday and Sunday, and another during the workweek.  It gets tiring seeing all these people acting like fools, drunken jerkoffs, and cosplay nerds week in and week out.  


Again, not all the people were like that.  Put it this way, if you are reading this from a link I posted on some form of a social media platform, we are cool.  You all have been true to yourselves, and not what I just described.  I cherish your support, kindness, and respect.  I hope I was able to return what you gave and more since you all deserve it.  Thank you all, and I hope that we can see each other socially and just hang out.  I hope my choice doesn’t cause a gap and maybe eventual ending of friendships, but at the same time I accept that because of the choice I made. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.  You all have affected me positively and made me a better person.


So, back to Saturday.  I did my usual rounds, and just didn’t feel up to things.  I didn’t feel the emotion, excitement or energy I used to feel.  I walked into Red Bull Arena, and I didn’t feel the rush I felt before going into there.  Here I am, in the most beautiful stadium in the US, and I felt nothing other than I wanted to just go home.  It must be like how some pay for the high priced hooker, only to not be able to get it up once the agreement was made.  I did the Corner Pub for a drink or two, and walked around the stadium several times trying to see if that could inspire me, like getting inspired looking at a great piece of art in a museum.  I felt nothing.  I saw how this team has gotten big, and I felt like a relic of the earlier times.  I felt like a Dinosaur and just not right.  I stayed for the first half of the game to see if the game-time energy would help.  Again, I felt like I should just go home.  The supporter end going loud, the crowd getting into the game, and I was standing there thinking of going home.  So I left.  I called the girlfriend, and we went to see “The Social Network” (I’ll talk about this later this week). 


So what does this all mean?  I don't know.  My new passion is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  It’s not just a way to get in shape.  It’s almost an addiction.  I get all my stress out, I learn something useful, and I learn what and who I am rolling and pushing my body to it’s various limits.  It’s not just a hobby, but almost a lifestyle.  I also have in my life my girlfriend, who I am astounded she is still with me somehow.  I haven’t fucked that up yet.  I also have my friends, who again, I have no idea how they put up with my bullshit sometimes.  Soccer will have a place in my heart and life, not at the forefront it once did.  I don’t know where it fits yet, but I will make time for it.  I don't know why I won’t give it the amount of time I did in the past-could be burnout, could be the bullshit I’ve had to deal with when it came to supporters clubs, could be both.  


Soccer is the first sport I played, it’s the sport that has given me a lot of lessons on life.  it’s showed me the world in a different way.  It’s given me one of the most amazing memories of my father, and showed me what a man does to be a father.  It’s given me a lot, so it’ll always be there.  Maybe I’ll get that fire back, Maybe I ‘ll just be a casual fan now.  I don’t have a clue yet.  


This is an interesting time, as much as a frightening time where I may lose some people I know because of my choice-either willingly or just happens.  But I do know I can’t just keep grinding myself to go to games when I don’t.  That will hurt more than help.


I know I am making a good choice for myself.  We shall see if it’s the right one.


Thank you all again.  Thank you.