by Peter Marus

So today was the sixth anniversary of my dad dying. I was awake this morning about 1am, when six years ago at that time I heard the loud thud. That thud was my dad's body falling out of bed. I won't get into the specifics about what happened (God knows I have written enough about it).

I will say that even after six years I still feel a level of "I should have done more." I still think I should have pushed my dad to go to the hospital the night before. He complained of having indigestion (or so he said, he had his Nitro pills out the last conversation I had with him). We were yelling that I wanted to take him to get checked out, but he didn't want to go and miss work the next day. Part of me thinks I should have called the ambulance then an force him to go, or get my mom and sis to help push him to go. For God's sake, at The time there were two hospitals near us, and I couldn't get him to go to either.

Today I was at my computer doing the job search thing and I didn't feel comfortable being here. I felt like I had to get out, so I spent the afternoon walking around Manhattan. It gave me a chance to get some air and think some stuff out. After working through some stuff, it gave me some clarity about my life. First, thinking leads to not doing. Part of my problem (still) is I think of doing something, and keep thinking of it or think my way out of doing it. Rather, I should think and then do, that's it. Seems irrational and impulsive, but it's also not going to be stalling and wasting energy and time on inaction. This is something I need to remember in life and in BJJ.

Second, a person is as only as good as the people he/she keeps around. I need to get rid of some of the dead weight being negative in their thoughts and actions. I don't need that in my life.

So starting tonight, I'm going to start to disassociate myself with a whole bunch of people. Some may be surprised, some may not care.

As happy as the season is, I have sadness today and other parts of this month (my uncle passed away close to Christmas). My goal it to make it a happy time again by remembering the happy times I've had with them.