Midday musings 3/30/11-post vacation depression

by Peter Marus

Back from my trip Sunday, and my intense hatred for my job was right where I left it.

Trip was awesome, it was great stimulating my mind with other stuff that's not work. It was awesome seeing my girlfriends family, and Florida in general. My synopsis of Florida is this: I see the allure of living down there, but I doubt I would be able to myself. I need seasons and cloudy days like I get up here in NY.

Getting back to my job, and seeing how even more restrictive they are with what and how I can do my job, to use a technical term, sucked a dick and really has my down. I am so down on my job that at BJJ Tuesday night, I was so off and looked/felt like I didn't know nothing. I also did something to my knee, so that's another thing to deal with. I was so bad in training, no positive thoughts were in my head from the start, and I left halfway through ashamed and embarrassed with myself and my performance. Since then it really has shaken me that no matter what has been going on-job or bjj-and no matter how hard I work to get what I need done, it's not good enough.

I know I am being tough on myself, but I expect a lot of myself. If it doesn't work either by myself or due to others, I get frustrated and start to care less about things. Don't get me wrong, I still love bjj, but work I am just there killing time and just doing work, sans passion.

Gotta start looking for a real job. One where I am doing shit and not working win lawyers. I need and want a job where I don't work in a cubicle exclusively, not in a tie, and when I finish my job. It's done or not my problem. Sound like a broken record but it helps me remember what I want.