It's been a while since I posted here. Mostly the time since has involved me being "lost in my head." I apparently was so lost, my girlfriend had a to ask "What the fuck?" since it seemed I wasn't fully communicating anything to her.
So, here is where my head is, and has been the past couple weeks. Since left my job, I've slowly gotten the feeling I'm a parasite on those around me, and I just feel like a bum and worthless. It's driving me nuts. I should be out looking for a job, but one thing is stopping me. I am trying to look into going to school and learn something new. I have a shot at a computer course fully free, but what it involves is making me second guess if I should take it. I'll teak it down for you:
-the classes would be 9am-4pm Monday to Friday for 15 weeks. This means I really can't get a full time gig and do this program
-I'd have to do 10 hours of community service (not a big deal, just part of the program)
-it's not a slam dunk that I'm getting into the program. I have an interview at the end of the month, and if I do well with that I get a second interview. If I do well with that, I am put in the lottery with God knows how many people are in it for a spot.
So for me to be in this program, assuming I am accepted in it, means I have to rely on others for support. Even for the interview in three weeks I have to rely on others. My pride is keeping me from accepting that. I hate the feeling that I am not doing my share. I am really debating giving up the opportunity that is potentially in front of me just because of my pride. The last time my pride dictated my life, I refused a lot of help getting a job that others offered me, and I was out of work for along time. My logic was, and somewhat is still, that if I am going to do something, I need to do it myself because if everything shits the bed it's on me. The idea that having others go down with me over my idea or attempt at something bothers me.
I heard my mom talking about me as a kid to someone, and on top of how I feel, I felt like I almost had an anxiety attack tonight. Her talking about me got me thinking about all the help her and my family has given me over the years, and as awesome as it was, I scares me that I may have to go back to that again, What I mean is that in that position, it kind of gives me a feeling of helplessness and lack of control. At my age, I shouldn't have that. I should have complete control of my life, but even now I don't, and I may have even less to get into the program.
This is what keeps me up at night now. I have three weeks until the first interview. I have time to decide. I have no clue which way to go. I need to talk to a lot of people to make goddamn sure I make the right choice. I hope my pride can handle either choice.