Reflections on the past 12 hours and where I am now.

by Peter Marus

This is actually the second attempt to write something. The only reason I am even writing this is because I am not in the mood to sleep.  I haven't slept well in the past couple weeks actually.  I've been out of work, and for most of this time I was waiting to hear from this organization about computer certification classes.  I didn't even look for work considering that if I made it into this program, it's a full time thing.  Anyway, as I said before, I didn't make it into that program.  So the whole time not doing anything, in the back of my mind was the feeling I was a piece if garbage.  I felt and sometimes now feel useless.  I feel I am just a parasite and a feeling of shame comes over me.  Today I went to a place that offered the A+ and Network + certifications I was looking into.  I decided I'm going to register there, and take these classes.  Its going to cost me some decent cash, but I want to do them.  


I said this was my second attempt at writing because on top of how I feel, I still follow soccer.  I try to catch as many Red bulls games on TV as I can, but I haven't been to any games.  After tonight though I probably not going to anymore, at least for the foreseeable future.  Between the team's performance, the attitude of the team's management, and how the supporters have been, it's not  I made the mistake of looking at one of the message boards the other day, and seeing how some of the old "friends" are doing, it made me really question why I dealt with a lot of them.  The best way I could describe how I felt is what I said on Twitter: 


Soccer message boards are the answer to the question "what if the movie 'Idiocracy' were an Internet community?"
7/19/11 1:25 AM

So after reading that crap, and talking to the few I do keep in contact with, it just made me sad (Not talking to the people itself, jsut the subject matter).  I felt sad in that I used to enjoy that stuff, but now I don't.  Granted I have had issues with people in all the supporters clubs, but I still don't understand what happened.  I guess when I decided to change my life a bit, the snarkyness, negativity and bullshit of the majority of the whole culture of "soccer supporters" isn't my gig anymore.   Don't get me wrong, plenty of good people are still there, especially those who "get" what I say and haven't held everything I've said against me, but probably have a right to. 


So earlier tonight I wrote a 5 page thing of all my thoughts of the whole present situation and what I've witnessed of all the Soccer related stuff when it came to the Red Bulls.  It was cathartic, cleansing, and scary.  I came close to putting it up here, but in all honesty what I wrote probably would have hurt too many people I know, and the thing is they aren't the ones I'm targeting.  So I deleted it, and decided to go watch the Red Bull game.  As I watched it, and as I do every game I get to watch, I am on all the social networks, being social.  I make a joke, and get these vicious resoponses from out of nowhere.  That usually is something I ignore, but given the mood I was in, it just put me off the rest of the night.  This is the bullshit I dealt with when I was all in?  This was acceptable to me when I was in the game full time?  I must have been a miserable asshole to be a part of that when I was really in it.  Then there were the "my dick's bigger than yours"-type of nonsense, but the "I go to AAAALLLLLLL the games, and you don't so I'm better"  usual remark.  Original, Huh?


So yeah, I've been in a mood all night.  I've been just pissy, figuring out what I'm doing, and then I realized why I haven't been to games.  I'm better than that.  I don't have my entire life revolve around a professional sports franchise (it's not a "club", where you join and have a say.  It's a business that's for profit and doesn't give a shit what the customers think as long as it's in the black).  I have other interests and people that fill my life.  I choose not to limit myself and put myself in a cesspool that is what I used to be a part of.  


Also I see what the culture has become, and I envy those members who left when the team changed names.  They saw what happened and what was happening, and decided to move on-family, work, or life replaced the team.   The protested the right way-not giving the team business.  I apologize to them if I said anything fucked up to or about them.   I chose to give the new owners a shot, and at times didn't pimp the name, but stuck around for a bit.  Now I may not, who knows.  I wasn' tlike many who were "I"ll go to games, sing/chant METRO instead of RED BULL while wearing my old Metrostars stuff.  Yeah, That will teach them!!"  They are still there, and to me, all those peole are just sellouts.  If they were against the team/ownership change, they should have just left, not given the team the time of day, and moved on.  Instead they pay to go and "protest" on their own, while the team gets the cash and give two shits about what they are singing/chanting.  They got the bucks and the asses in the seats.  Who really wins in the end?  I admit, I sold out a bit, but then saw reality.  


Ok I have to stop, this is like 10% what I was writing earlier, and not nearly as vicious.  See why I stay away?  I don't want to become this negative shithead anymore, I have a headache from this now.