one year anniversary

by Peter Marus

It's been about a year since I walked out of my job. I don't regret it, the job was a dead-end, there was no money in it if I stayed, and it would have lead to health and personal issues had I stayed. Interesting fact about the situation is that I have not heard from anyone at that company. That alone makes me feel better I left since its obvious to me now I worked with a bunch of ingrates.

This is also marking a year of being out of work. This is something that weighs heavily on me, and I try not to talk about with people outside of a couple people. I don't talk about it a lot for a couple reasons. First off, I don't want to burden people with negative stuff, or at least more than a couple sentences. I know enough people who do this already, and they would do so more if I spoke to them more often. Sorry, I don't need to hear about your problems over and over again, especially when the problem is the SAME THING you've bitched about for years. Shit or get off the pot, otherwise the people your bitching and moaning to will leave the bathroom. That's not the best analogy, but I think you get my point.

The other reason I don't go into detail with many others is a reason that is not without it's irony. Talking about my problems would be a selfish act , making the situation about me when the situation most likely isn't, but some would say it is selfish of me to keep what is wrong to myself. I don't like to burden people with what I should be able to handle myself. But as I've said here, there are times when I should involve others despite my hesitance to. It's a conflicting, paralyzing situation, that leads to a lot of anxiety and frustration.

In fact those feelings are starting to be around me more often than it should. Today, I was in an emotional funk, and I let my mind wander to thinking of some long term situations, which considering my situation now weren't the best scenarios. Its things like that which makes me get nervous about planning stuff for the future, because I don't know where I will be at that point. It's a frustrating thing for myself, and others around me that I have to constantly apologize for my current situation. But no matter what I feel or where my mind is, I always remind myself that I put myself here with the choices I have made. I chose to quit my job. I chose to sit on my ass hoping that non profit would accept me into their program, rather than going and getting my certifications a lot sooner than I did. I choose to do what I do. Do I think I could have done better in my decision making, yeah, but what's done is done and I have to focus on now.

One thing I will never regret is leaving that joke of an insurance company. That I feel proud of myself for doing.