Post-Birthday stream of thoughts

by Peter Marus

I decided to wait a little bit for my next entry.  My birthday was this past week and I had a ton of emotions to go through, and honestly I still do.

I'm 34 now, and it means I'm not a spring chicken.  I feel like I have let a lot of life go by, and that I should be in a much better situation professionally and personally at this point.  It’s hard not to feel a level of failure, but I also remind myself that I am here for a reason, and God-who/whatever it is-wants me here for a reason.  

Mortality has been a theme the past week or so with me.  I see people and how frail some are, and how some that I thought that would still be around aren’t.  It’s a subject that gives me a lot of fear.  How am I supposed to handle it?  Usually people look to me as the “Rock” of the situation, but that’s mostly because I am able to disconnect my feelings at the time to be that role for others.  Only problem is that after, I still haven’t dealt with those emotions, and adding all my other worries/fears, I sometimes do feel overwhelmed.  It comes out randomly, or it comes out due to some simple worry or uncertainty ignites a larger level of worry.  For example: I look online for work, and to be honest I don’t know what I want to do or apply for.  I feel lost in my life, and one of my biggest worries/fears is that I will be lost when the major events happen that I’m supposed to know what the Hell I'm supposed to do.  This is something that hangs over my head a lot, and I hate that it does.  I feel bad when it affects me and people close to me.

I'm still not happy with the no job thing, but I'm hoping some leads bring something out of them.  I should consider doing some volunteer work, at the least to make me feel not like a piece of garbage.  I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy and not worrying so much.  Ad I said before I am trying to learn Spanish, and now I decided to try to understand the Linux operating system.  To be honest, Spanish is nothing compared to Linux.  I also train BJJ, something that helps a lot keeping my mind and body together and healthy.  

I mentioned before that I wanted to at least try to write a book, and I decided to go for it.  I am going to organize my thoughts and put them together and hopefully it comes out as a book I can sell.  Who knows, maybe it’ll get me a couple bucks.