I'm still not ready to go to a soccer game

by Peter Marus

As stupid as it sounds, I'm mentally not ready to handle going to a game. My girlfriend has asked me why I haven't gone to a game for so long, and I tell her its difficult to say why. Some of the people I hung out with at games have also asked me, and I couldn't give a good answer.

I think I haven't gone to a game in over a season and a half. The last time I went, I couldn't shake the feelings about why I stopped going. I couldn't shake the treatment I got from some supporter club leaders years ago when they in short told me to go fuck myself in their passive-aggressive way. I responded by telling them to go fuck themselves and their lackeys, though that also affected others I didn't intend to. Over time I have gotten passed the anger, especially since those people I had issues with no longer are in charge, but there is still a bitter taste. Also there are some who have decided to wrap their lives around the team and club, they took how I left as a "you're not welcome anymore, quitter" and seem to keep that toxic atmosphere that I wanted to get away from alive. I'm not talking about one specific group, its all of them.

Recently one person I know came out and talked about his demons he's trying to overcome. First off he has my respect and prayers to get through his problems. After knowing what he's going through, I thought of myself and when I decided to change my life for the good. Now, I am not comparing my issues with what he is going through, but I see slight parallels. When I was going to soccer games, I was always a cynical, negative person. Mostly because of who I hung out with. The supporters section is still filled with this element, and that bothers me. I wish leaders would try to move forward from it, maybe throw out some of the trash, but I know I'd be asking for a lot. I remember at one game saying "What am I doing?" and decided to change myself. I tried to keep things positive and low stress, but in a cesspool of negativity it doesn't really work. That's one reason I stopped going to games, and I feel so much better for it.

I also found BJJ, and all the good-the feeling I get and people I have met-blows away what I was getting going to soccer games. What I get out of what I invest in BJJ is so much more rewarding and better for me. It sucks that soccer got to the point it did for me, and I wish things could go back to when the club was smaller and just a bunch of guys wanting to have fun. I know that won't happen, as well as most of those I did enjoyed hanging out with are either not going to games or not as much as they used to.

I wanted to write this to get it out. It sucks I can't get myself to go to a game. I loved going in the past, why not now?