Late night thoughts

by Peter Marus

I apologize if this seems rambling, but this is going to be more of a stream of consciences.  It's an excuse for me to try to figure out what is next.  By what's next is what's my next career move.  It's complicated, at least to me, to figure out.


Right  now, I work in what would be considered a  "shit job."  It's not so much a bad job, but to be honest it's a job that I am way too qualified for.  Despite this job is "beneath my level", I still do my damn best at it.  I was taught that no matter how bad or dumb of a job is, do the best work you can.  So I go to work everyday, even get to work early, and just do what I do to the fullest.  The work I put in and have invested as far as suits and accessories to look the part is more than the payoff.  The money I make at this job has me in a bind, but it's money I need.  I can say that I never have taken a day off "just because".  It was always for something serious.  I don't take days off because first I don't believe in it really, but also simply if I don't work, I don't get paid.  Losing 20% of your pay makes you think if taking a day off for something is worth the loss.  Granted, this means one would have to work despite not being your best, but in the end it's all about the money for me.


Its about the money because I don't get satisfaction out of the job.  I come home and need at least an hour to get out of the mood the job puts me in.  What happens is that's an hour I lose from my personal life, and any enjoyment I have at home or with my girlfriend.  By the time I'm "fine", it's time to get ready for bed.  My free time is empty and not productive.  The problem is that it becomes a cycle, and for months I'm trying not to fall into it. My biggest worry is not falling into a cycle is getting comfortable in it.  That's one of my biggest fears. 


So naturally my next move is to look for new work.  Sounds simple, but it isn't.  First is figuring out what I want to do.  To be honest, his is a mental block to me and one of conflicting thoughts.  I would like a regular Monday to Friday schedule, but my mom has been going through some stuff where I am needed on the Mondays I have off. I take her to her appointments and then due to errands.  If I am not there for that, it leads to others who already shoulder enough responsibility to carry more.  That's something I'm not comfortable doing.  I need to do my part.  


One other her big thing is my resume and cover letters.  I think I have a writers block where nothing I write is worth a damn.  I have written tons of resumes and cover letters, but there is always something that isn't good enough.  At this point I look at my work history and I feel like I'm trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.  At some point I should just have a "fuck it, send it" attitude,  but my pride in my work comes in and it has to be as perfect I can do it.  


I would like a job where I'm not standing the whole time.  I would like my Saturday's back.  But seeing what get changed if I go for it makes me hesitant.  Again, I'm petrified of the prospect of me getting comfortable in this "groove", so it should motivate me to look elsewhere, but is it worth it to let others down that I can't live up to my end of the deal to help out my mom.


as I said before, the job now sucks, but better than many other ones I could be doing.  The people I work for and with are cool, but to be honest I'm better than them and the job.  The frustration of wher I am and wher I should be is building, especially seeing that some who are clearly less qualified as me or less ambitious angers me more.   


Who knows what I should do, I'm stumped