Monthly, I guess, update

by Peter Marus

Since the last entry, lots have happened.  Some bad, but some good.  I'll try to organize this as best I can, but this is a therapy entry.  I'm just writing to get some stuff off my chest/head. 

My mom is doing better, which is good.  The problem with recovery is always a "two steps forward, one back".  She moves around better, but still needs help.  She still is doing Chemo but the side effects are harsh.  She is anemic, which is a side effect from the treatment.  Part of the problem is that the treatments make her weak, and anemia makes it worse.  Her walking is tougher, and she tires from it quickly.    it sucks trying to keep expectations in perspective, since I thought she'd be out of the wheelchair by now, but she can't move well without it.  I'm always worried of complacency and she gets too used to it.  But her condition and the side effects sort of don't give her an option.  Do I think she can do more? Yes, but that's coming from someone who isn't in her shoes.  Having someone who has gone through a parental situation like my mom helps, but at the same time my impatience and desire to see her get better sometimes gets the best of me.  

The next few weeks will add even more stress.  My sister returns to work in January, and hopefully Medicaid will kick in and help get an aide to come over for a few hours a day.  The thought of my sister not being here to help her out has me really nervous.  Hopefully the next week or so helps clear up some of the uncertainty.   

I'm still dealing with some of the issues I feel about everything.  I still feel some anger to my mom and family members, thinking she and they did all these to herself and my sister and I have to pick up the pieces and take the responsibility on us to deal with her choices.  It's a tough feeling to work through, and one to not let consume my thoughts.  I hope something will come and fix it. 

Working in a retail-industry job sucks.  Especially this time of the year.  The hours are expanded and I chose to work an extra day to pay for Christmas gifts.  The manager chose to add hours to the store days because she's all about her bonus and needs to pat for her kid's preschool.  The employees also are trying to make their bonus, but seeing their skills, they won't.  Outside of one of them, the rest are at best mediocre salespeople.  

My relationship with all those involved with the store is now more just "I do my job, that's it".  They celebrate a big sale or big day, but I don't participate.  To be honest, whether or not they do well has no effect on my paycheck-I don't get a cut of the sales like they do-so why should I care?  

I have grown to despise the store, I can't stand to be in there anymore.  I want to get a better job where I feel I'm used more, and paid what I feel my experience and skills deserve.  I am only still there because the schedule allows me to help with my mom and the house during the week.  Had I not have the obligations to, I'd work harder to get a better position, or a better paying one at least.  

Its not all bad.  Sunday I received my purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  I was honestly surprised I was awarded it since I felt my skills aren't at that level.  Training has helped keep my head together, but at the same time I am distraced with everything and I didn't feel I progressed so much to be promoted.  It's a cool feeling, but a bit of anxiety and pressure.   Some may say I should shut up and enjoy the moment, which I did in that moment.  But like life after any other moment you have to start working for the next one.