The past two weeks, but it's been decades really, have been a struggle for me and my mom. It's not a "I hate my mommy"-type, but in a deep way I do feel a little of it. It's a struggle with her health.
My mom recently fell and hurt herself really bad. She suffered injuries that needed surgery. She's still in the hospital getting better. At first it looked straightforward: get her leg and arm fixed, go get rehab, and she'd be ok. But something else came up: she needed surgery to repair blocked blood flow in her other leg. This led to what first seemed like a stubbed toe to a bad infection, which will lead to her losing a toe. She had the bypass procedure to fix the blood flow, and the other part is soon.
All through this, I've had a ton of thoughts going through my head. First obviously is my mom and her health, and she getting better. Then came up in my head is money. How much will insurance cover and what will have to be paid out by us. I'm not too worried about that, but I make no money to help pay out anything if needed, and that bothers and worries me.
Again, my faith came up. I thought how twisted is God. He had my mom break bones to end up in the hospital to find out this serious matter with her leg. This goes to all the other times she's been put in bad situations to have a serious issue dealt with. God works in mysterious ways indeed, though I question his doing. It also makes me angry. Why hurt her to get her better, with cancer and now this? Is this all something to bring us back to the flock? Is this something to punish me or make me see something in not, or punish her for something? You are told not to question God's work, but I am.
Theological questions aside, I also see what's true to me now: when your parents get older, the roles of parent and child switch. The child takes care of the parent as the parent took care of the child. I've felt this for some time, but this time brings it more to light.
Back to my anger: I feel some to my mom. She doesn't get help until it's critical. She's only got her diabetes and blood pressure under control because she almost died from them. She only found out about her cancer due to, again, she almost died from it. She didn't get this leg thing treated until it was found out due to another thing happened. She said she had a stubbed toe that wasn't healing and part of it was from this problem. I don't believe her when she says she didn't feel anything bad with her leg before all this.
She has a fear of doctors, and she lets it almost kill her, and my sister and I have had to pretty much save her life several times. Every time this had to happen, I fear luck will run out and I would not have her around anymore. And for all that I feel some anger to her. There have been talks to her about it, and it did lead her to seeing a doctor, but it gets to be same old, same old. It pisses me off.
I can't control her. I can't just drag her to help, though I almost have had to literally. I can't accept the lack of control. I also feel bad feeling these things. A child shouldn't have anger in their hearts for their parents, but I do have some.
But this shouldn't be about me, it should be about getting her better. I will say one thing about me: it seems God doesn't want me to move forward. Any time I start to make a move forward-job searching, moving forward with my girlfriend, something to better my life-God chooses to strike down my mom with something to bring things to a halt. Maybe God wants me to stay as a shitty security guard, and live a life I feel is so beneath me.
Again, this isn't about me, but about her. At the end of all this, I want and need her better for me and my sister. That's the most important thing.