Mental dump, brightening up my dark place.

by Peter Marus


I have purposely not writing here for a bit because I've been in a dark place.  I've touched on what has been happening the past several months in my life, but I haven't really touched on how I feel about things.  Events the past week or so has made me think the best way to cope with some feelings is to just put them out somewhere, and also create content for this page.  I guess some consider me a "creative" guy with my writing, so let's see how this works.  It may not sound coherent or organized, and that's due to me just emptying my head of stuff and "sharing my feelings", which seems to either be in vogue or not happening enough, depending on who you speak.

Last week was another step to realization where I work is not for me.  I'm more of a corporate guy, and I realize that the retail world, if you aren't the guy running it, is sad. It's sad if you are a person over the age of 30 working as a sales person.  It says you either were too stupid to go to college, or too stupid to handle working a real job.  If you are over 25 at a retail job and not trying to get a managerial or a corporate role at the company or anywhere else, that's especially pathetic.  I work at a place full of pathetic, mentally weak, people.

One in particular stands out.  This person is a troll.  She's always negative, but also lives in her own world.  She's the person who thinks she's the real manager, and tries to use the real one like a cover to do what she wants.  When the real manager isn't around, she will try to bully others to do what she wants.  She's got a Napoleon complex, and hates when someone doesn't bend to her will, running to the real manager to say that person is uncooperative.  Her attitude is the type where most parts of her role is below her and everyone else should do it for her.  She's the one who tries to always hits the home run, but doesn't realize or is too stupid to realize that the singles or smaller hits are more important. This attitude shows since she is one of the lowest performing people of the group.  

What really gets me about this person is how much of an ungrateful immigrant she is.  She's the one type of immigrant I absolutely cannot stand.  She and her family came to the US from a war-torn area, was given the chance to skip the line and was given citizenship, and has nothing good to say about this country and its generosity.  There are people who try to get their legal paperwork to be a part of this country, fearful of being deported due to something administrative screwing up, waiting years for the process to be over, and this pig gets rushed to the front of the line.  The sense of entitlement is an insult to anyone who has fought to come to the country the right way, without the generosity of the US just giving them a spot.  I pray in the end she gets hers and ends up realizing her bitter, spoiled brat attitude has caused everyone she knows has left her, and it's her doing.

 This person is a cancer to any work place and has me debating leaving this job without another in place.  

This stuff is one of my many reasons for feeling frustrated and anger.  I feel anger a lot.  I feel anger for everyone who get to have freedom to enjoy their lives and fulfill their goals.  My goals are in the toilet because I am and have been shackled by my sense of responsibility to those I love.  I am angry at my mom.  I am angry because of her selfishness for several decades to not get the proper treatment for her Diabetes, thinking she can handle it herself.  She refused to go to a doctor for help.  She had a fear of them, but it's still stupid not to get the help she needed.  She grew-and we allowed her-to rely on myself and sister that we can help her out when she got into trouble.  She would be dead many years ago if my sister or I wasn't around.  Should we be more forceful to get her to get help sooner? Yeah.  So I am angry at myself about that.  I'm angry at my aunt who was a nurse who enabled my moms attitude and didn't help try to get her to get help, while having the audacity to try to get involved in family situations and made it worse.  Cleaning up her mess on top of my moms' is something I still hold against her.  

I'm angry at a lot of things that have derailed my dreams and plans, but I'm especially angry at myself.  I let this happen.  I've been the one holding the door for everyone else expecting a thanks or the same to happen.  I wasn't looking out for me, but for others.  This is what has landed me where I am.  I should have put myself above others.  I have a perfectionist attitude that had me try to do right for me and everyone else, but in the end everyone got theirs and I got nothing what I wanted.  

I need to be selfish, I need to be mean and nasty to get my goals and dreams achieved.  I need to be me.  I need to stop worrying about what others feel about me and those who try to suppress me when I want to do things my way.  The "hey, be yourself, but don't and be nice" people.  Those who can't seem to handle or understand my agenda is most likely right, and if you do things my way it will be ok.  These people are the ones who try to sabotage me and try to be condescending to me to make me feel retarded.   I need to stop asking and start saying what I want.  I shouldn't back up be stand my ground ready to either to kick some ass or get my ass kicked, and be ok with that.  

There, I feel better.  Also, this shows I'm an expert at many things.  Hell, this is cheaper than therapy.