I am writing this today because on the 2nd I may not be in the mood to write at all. I also wanted to write today to get out some thoughts and feelings I am having.
One year ago today was the last day I saw my mother alive. I remember going to the hospital to see her, where as usual she was happy to see me. We spoke about some things like what the doctors said and how things were. I remember mostly that she was accepting of her time was almost up, at least gave the impression. She seemed at a peace that in hindsight should have told me she had only a couple days left. Maybe she was getting ready to not be in the pain or suffering she was in, and just waiting for it to stop.
I remember telling her I loved her, kissing her on her forehead and saying goodbye for what would be the last time. Throughout her entire hospital stay I had a feeling she wasn't going to make it out alive. She had cancer and other health issues for some time and the treatments weren't really working well. Small victories sure, but everyone knew the score.
Next day my sister saw her, and when she left the nurse asked her for her number to get a hold of her. As my sister went home, my mom died. I was glad my sister was the last person to see her. I always thought it was better her. My sister did a ton for my mom over the last years of her life, and even up to the end. Part of me was thinking my mom held out to see my sister one last time and she died after accomplishing all she had to on this planet.
I still have regret and sadness. I wasn't the most patient with my mom or her situation. I was wrong for that, I have to live with what I said and done during that time. I feel I should have done more to make her feel better, but I failed her in that way.
Want to know how I knew she was gone? Bette Midler's "The Rose" started playing where I worked-a song that doesn't play on the radio here. That was the moment I knew she was gone. Soon after I got the call, she is dead.
Anyway, I wanted to share these thoughts. Thank you for reading.I'll get back to writing about some other nonsense or minor issue in my life soon.