by Peter Marus

I forgot what was the last posting was, but whatever here’s a new one. I spent the past several days doing a ton of thinking. The timing of my job loss and my birthday seems to have me in a funk. It also hasn’t helped my sleeping much. For example, Friday night/Saturday morning had me waking up every hour mostly due to some bad dreams. In all honesty, I am not sure if it was all the stuff on my mind causing the dreams or all the food I ate that night-which said food did cause a nightmare for me when it came to me and the toilet-waaay too much cheese!!

Saturday night at least I for to see some violence, as the UFC had a PPV event. Originally, I was to host some friends and family over to watch the event, but due to circumstances, I watched the event at my cousin’s place. As usual, the UFC put on a great event, both in matchmaking and overall production. I read and hear the UFC’s shows are even better in person, and one day I would like to see if that is true. Also it’s funny to read boxing writers trash talk MMA overall, saying how boxing is much better than MMA. Yeah, I put on boxing now to help get to sleep. Watch the garbage that is called Olympic boxing. All the boxing I have seen the past several years has been at best bland, even the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight was at best average. When I watch MMA, there is a legit excitement and reality that at any second, the fight could be over, where as in boxing all that is certain is a slow-pace, hug filled fight. Face it, Boxing is to checkers as MMA is to chess.

As I write this I have a massive headache. I spent most of the day looking at my computer’s screen redoing my resume. I have to thank those who have helped me out with my resume, and perhaps later this week I’ll post an online version of my updated resume. Some of you out there are probably thinking “why haven’t you asked me for help?” It’s not personal, I just have a hard time asking for help. I’m one of those who want to do things myself, since then if I screw up, it’s just on me. I also don’t like asking for things of others, and this is where the bitterness, paranoia, and all that stuff comes in, because I suddenly feel indebted to someone and then feel like I am obligated to do something for them. The funny part is I’m the ass that usually bugs people to help them out, which has led to some relationships completely falling apart. Odd huh?

As I said before, I have been doing a lot of thinking about everything that has been going on. This probably hasn’t helped with the headache. It’s not so much about me thinking about the past, since I cannot change the past. I have thought a bit of the past in that I acknowledge that I may have made some mistakes in the past and may have burnt a bridge or two. I do not regret what I did, considering that at the time I did what I did I thought it was right. I’m sure there is some things I could have done and have things turn out different, but at the same time if I did all that, I wouldn’t be here now. What I have been focusing on now is that I know where I am now, and where the hell should I go in the future. I don’t know where I am heading, but all I know is that whatever I do or wherever I go, it is my decision. My biggest fear about all this-yeah I said fear-is that whatever I choose hurts those around me. I can accept whatever I do as far as myself, but I will feel horrible if it leads to affecting those around me and care for in a bad way.