by Peter Marus

Well I'm back, and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how I"ve helpe dother people, but haven't helped myself. What I mean is that ever since college, i've focused my energy on helping others, while not trying to help out myself with whatever problems/issues I had. I had to keep putting off my own things in order to help out others.

There were things that I had to deal with(like how i was "paying my dues" at Blue Ridge, but I didn't know how to handle all the frustrations and anger I had in me due to the unfair treatment), but I had to put off figuring out how to handle and deal with this because someone else needed help and I chose to help them out (which is a recurring theme here, cause I can't help it, I like to help others but I can't stand pthers helping me to much). SO I just put all that on the backburner, figuring that eventually when I have some free time, I can get aroudn to dealing with all this on my mind. Well that was 5 years ago and a lot of stuff was put on the back burner. This is compounded with some other things I still have to work out that I had to deal with from being a kid who was damn near blind for 11 years and a gimp for another 2-3, while having others look down on me like I was helpless, and wouldn't allow me to do things on my own due to some fear that I couldn't do it.

Two weeks ago all this almost came to a head when my old computer died. For some reason, all these feelings came up, and I was just enraged for several days, snapping at anything or anyone that got in my way. In all honesty, it scared me that I was like this. I didn't want to hurt others around me who really didn't deserve it. I at the same time didn't want to keep this all in to let it simmer even more, which I did in the end. I've had al this in me for over 5 years now, and I've yet found a constructive way to deal with it. I don't want to go to a shrink, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I jsut want to find something I can do to focus all this energy on.

This leads me to this weekend. I was thinking of gonig to the Metros game Sat. night. It's something that usually I enjoy, but the past couple seasons, it's been wierd. Usually I go, have fun come home tired and go to sleep. The past couple seasons, it's like I go to the game, have fun, feel this high of going and doing what I do at the game, but when I get home, the high is gone and what's been bothering me comes back and I have that on my mind the rest of the night. I've been aprihensive of going to the game tomorrow, I don't like this cycle, and I feel that maybe I should not go to any games until I get myself together. I figure, once I get a job, some cash in my pocket, and some stability, maybe I can go back to enjoying soccer more. I mean, why bother spending money of something that I may not get any enjoyment out of. I also am worried that with this mood I'm in, I may go off on someone I know at the game after a remark he may make (jokingly or other). This would be wrong, and be like with my family and the computer. Eh, I don't know, I'll sleep it off tonight and see how I feel in the morning.

See, this is what are the kinds of things that go through someone's head who's been unemployed for a while and hasn't had much luck for a long time. And please dont' sit there and feel sorry to pity for me, most of this is my fault. Plus I hate it when others look at me like "poor pitiful".... God knows I got enough of that the first half of my life, and it's annoying and counter-productive to talk to someone who feels sorry or pity for me.