by Peter Marus

Its amazing what one can figure out when they think about it long enough. My job is at a point where it can become routine, and that means my mind is free to think about other things all day. Today I thought about last week and how I took the blame for all that happened, saying I was the problem. After further review, I may have changed my stance on it a bit.

I realize that I take a lot of things on my shoulder, and sometimes that's the blame. I don't know I just choose to sometimes. In life, one is where they are after the choices/actions they make or do. My mind works in a way where I do what's the best or right choice to make in a situation. I don't look at what I do is good or bad, and I am sick of being called a good person or good guy. I am suck of it since most of the times I have heard it usually is a front for a lie as to why someone is about to tell me, and they think saying that to justify or make them feel better about what they are about to say. Anyway that's another story.

My past choices in my life have been wonderful, and horrible as well. No one put a gun to my head to help out my family for months on end, where it meant I gave up looking for work (which wasn't exactly cool with my parents up until a month or so before the situation ended). I did what I did because I felt it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing in the end since the comfort, support, and help did make things easier for my family, and I think I gained a lot more respect form my dad.

No one forced me to send hand-written letters and gifts to someone I cared for when I couldn't see her due to allegedly a family issue and her job issue, I did it because I felt like it was the right thing to do. Granted in this situation it was the wrong choice, since this person used her alleged gimmick of her job and family as an excuse to break things off, even though I was told by her she wouldn't this time hence she lied about herself or was hiding her seeing someone else behind my back-her gimmick was believable, why wouldn't it be plausible she would take advantage of it? But this was someone from Jersey, and apparently the world revolves around them and if things go bad, it's NEVER their fault!!! they pass the buck onto everything else, including the victim.

Finally I wasn't forced to take things slow with the last person I dated-the one that “broke me” last week. I chose to because I thought she was an awesome person and wanted to see where things could go. She gave me the impression she felt the same way, so I trusted her. Well, I learned last week in all the talking and dating we did, which was about 3 weeks, her intentions were a lie. She didn't honestly feel the same way, and was stringing me along while she “got over her ex” that she broke up with a week before we started talking. I say she wasn't into it the whole time because as she was explaining things, she was making smartass remarks and laughing, which should tell you how serious she took things.

So what did I learn? I learned that although I have to take responsibility for where I am due to the choices/actions I made, others in the “equation” have to as well. I can't take all the blame for all the things that went wrong, and act that these lying pieces of trash have no part in the problem. They have as much as if not more responsibility that things went down the drain.

I also learned to not put my trust in people in general, at least not right away. Women, and this is where people claim my alleged anger to them comes out, I have to be even more careful. See, women are allowed to lie more than men. Their form of lying is called flirting, where they are allowed to lie a bit to get something they want. In this society this is for the most part is ok. If a guy does something like this, he's either charming if it's good, manipulative if it's bad. I”ve learned to take all flirting, or anything said to me as 10% of their word, it's their choice to work and prove that the other 90% is true. If I sound jaded, I guess I am, but it's a choice I make, and I can live with it.