I"m sitting in my house alone. Everyone else is gone for a few days. I sit here and I am starting to really feel the ghosts of the past here. I sit in the living room and just feel my family's history in this house. Just before I started writing, I felt a need to talk to my mom. I have those feelings a lot, but talking to her is a little difficult. I look at the things in the room here and on the first floor, and it's a lot of stuff I don't want or need. The house feels like a museum to my parents, and on some level it's a comforting thing. But at the same time, I realize that in order to move forward with my life, I need to let go of the past in some ways. This house needs to change, and it shouldn't feel like a continuation of what my parents had. It's not an easy change, I dare say it's a little scary. All change is scary, but it's both needed and inevitable. All you can do is figure out the best solution to the change to benefit you the best.
Virtual assistants
I want to use these new virtual assistants.They all are interesting and seem cool to use.I have experience with all of them. They are still in their infancy, and much has improved in a lot of ways, but there are issues with each. Here's some thoughts I have on each:
Siri works great with Apple apps. It works pretty seamlessly, but still needs voice recognition improvement. It has potential if it wasn't so closed. Also if hooked into search engines more to help give answers rather than just a list of links. Also limited access to apps help more, but not allowing apps that compete with their products like Spotify, hurt it. I get the reason but at the same time it's irritating.
Google Now, which I don't fully use since I'm not on an Android phone, has a lot more use. Not sure how hooked into apps they are, but it's better used with "real talk". The cards work great, and if that could be the home page of a phone (which it might, I don't use Android phones).
Amazon Alexa works great with echo. For a voice only assistant it works great. It does use Google apps for calendar, reminders, but I wish it used apple and other companies API. It does let me use Spotify, and uses other service but I haven't dove into them yet. Alexa does with with smarthome stuff, and it's pretty sweet turning on and off lights with Alexa.
All three have their uses, and have potential, but being so siloed hurts all of them.
Picking up the pieces
I wrote a month ago about my tradition in life. Since then it's still going on. It's difficult to move though, since I have no time. When my mom died, I did what most people do after a death: just get back into the hamster wheel and keep moving. For the short term it works-it gives you a sense of normalcy. What happens is some jobs like the one I have now, where you work six days a week, it puts you in a haze. You have one day off to get two to three days work of errands and stuff done. This isn't a productive way to live.
I am now going to try to get my A+ certification again, despite the hurdles. I am studying again and watching tutorial videos online. It's funny what you need to know on the test that you'll probably never see in real life, which is how it goes in any certification test. I wish I could take a formal class to re learn some of this, but my job wont accommodate that after saying I want to do this. So despite them, I'm going to do it.
Another issue is in my house. I have my fiancée here and my sister. My sister has a house on Long Island with her significant other but haven't fully moved in (they said it's because of they need work on it and with my mom dying it changed their plans). The tow of them get along, but it feels like we are walking on eggshells. My fiancée and I want to change some stuff in the house, but my sister doesn't want change. It's frustrating and trying to work through it makes things a little dicey with my sister. At some point it will come to a head and may not be pretty, but at the same time my fiancée moving in was planned long before my mom dying so I don't think my sister should be so put off with things.
Positivity is something I'm trying to improve in my life as usual. With all the negative crap I find myself in needs to change and I'm trying to fix myself. I'm trying to talk myself up positivity, and stop all the negative talk my mind always has swirling in it all day at work. It's important to do this since it's better for my well being, but also I have a lot of time to think at work, and I'd rather try to be more productive in that.
Transition
I've been moving forward with life since my mom's passing. The past three weeks have been a blur. After the funeral, I just jumped back into work, getting the house stuff done, and getting used to living with my now fiancée.
My job has been the same, but it's now six days a week (it's been six days a week for months). I know many people do that much a week, but those people also are paid well to compensate for it, and usually have a better schedule daily to make it work. My schedule is 11am to 7 pm, which with trace means my "work day" is 9:30-8pm. That leaves almost no time to get a lot done, like looking for better jobs or even have time to sit back and get my head straight with my feelings and thoughts on my mom's passing. My "day off" feels like another work day getting errands and a weekend worth of stuff done in one day.
I'm starting to feel the effects of this. Like I said, I really haven't had the time to sit back and get through my head and just the simple idea of feelings of her loss. When my dad died it was almost the same thing, and it wasn't pretty.
Its not like I'm going this alone. I'm lucky my sister has helped out a lot with the stuff that needs to be done. She's been a rock for me the past few weeks. My fiancée also has helped with the house and getting it more set up "for us". They have been invaluable in this time.
Mad far as my career. I don't want to settle anymore. It's like buying clothes: settle with the bargain labels usually leads to disappointment, frustration, and just a feeling of being a waste of time. Same is for companies you go to work for and find yourself in a company that's not "your level". My past couple jobs have been that way, and I'm sick of it. My career move is going to aim for better places to work with people on my level. I busted my ass in school to not work for companies who seem to strive for mediocrity or just happy with "good enough" with their work, while trying to keep their image up. Or companies that, quite frankly, are full of people with their heads up their asses and wouldn't know if they should shit or wind their watches when it's time to step up.
All I have to now is find time to do my job search. That's hard standing in a store all day and with only a smartphone, which limits my options for looking and applying for work.
That's my update.
Mom
I am writing this in lieu of a eulogy. She didn't want one at her funeral, so there was none.
Last Tuesday, my mom passed away. She was in the hospital for a week prior fighting an infection that sent her blood pressure way down, and as much as she was improving, the years battling cancer and her other chronic issues finally was too much for her. As sad as it is to lose her, I feel a bit of peace knowing she isn't suffering through the mountain of health issues she had.
When she first went into the hospital, and had to be put on a breathing tube, my sister and I had to have it removed, as per her DNR/DNI she signed, freakishly, one year prior. We had it removed, and she started breathing on her own. After a couple days in ICU, she was moved to a regular room due to the amount she was improving. When she was in her room, they were treating her for fluid in her lungs and her issues breathing (partly from all the fluids she was given). Part of me knew it was coming to the end, even before home hospice came to speak with her. She also knew, went as far as telling me. She was calm about it or at least gave the illusion she was. The day she died, my sister was with her moments before she did pass. My sister left, and according to the nurse, she went quickly and peacefully. I was glad my sister got to be the last family member to see her. Sure, I'd love to have seen her one more time to tell her I loved her, but I am glad she saw a family member before leaving this world.
Dorothy Marus was an amazing woman. She was a great mother, a teacher for countless young men and women in all her years teaching at St. Gabriel's in East Elmhurst, St. Pauls Episcopal School in College Point, and St. Stanislaus in Maspeth. Her teaching and parenting-tough but fair_ mounded all those who were under her into better people. She was selfless, compromising her health and her own needs for those who she loved. She would go out of her way to help others, not out of self-gratification or her agenda, but out of a sense of duty and responsibility. Her dedication was unquestioned. Not to mention all she would do for our dogs, who she loved as if they were her own children.
I am going to miss her, just like I miss my dad. I'm scared and a little confused for my next step, I'll be honest, but I know what I do will be right, she taught me how to always do the right thing-even if it wasn't the easiest session to learn. I really can't put into words here my thoughts, I have to still go through them, but I hope a little I have put makes sense and helps you understand.
I want to ask you to do one thing: I know she here have their issues with their moms, and may have estranged relationships with them. I wish you do get a hold of your mom and just say hi and you love her. You only get one in this world, and they are the ones who make you who you are (dads do too, but moms have a special thing, like the special thing they do to make food taste better, clothes cleaner, etc.). You literally came from them, and I hope you make them know you appreciate that.
too much stuff in life
I sit in my house, look around, and realize how much stuff I have around. I have too much stuff!!
Life changes has me thinking of cleaning out a lot of it. I don't need a lot of it, I have it around "just in case", and a lot is here because I never thought of getting rid of it. I need to start clearing it out. I kind of feel some claustrophobia having all this stuff. Thing is I also feel a level of overwhelming thinking where to start.
Part of me is thinking of just looking at something, and if I can't think of a legitimate reason to have it, toss it in a garbage bag. Maybe I'll regret getting rid of something down the road, but that's the thought that has gotten me in this situation in the first place!
I look at my house again, and see that this is the house in the family that tends to get "the dead people's stuff". For years people die, and some of it ends up here because it's the place that has room. Sure, some say to just hold it for a bit and we'll take it later, but they usually abandon the idea because "they couldn't make room", forget about it, or just con my family to take it. I have no idea what actual value this stuff is, not do I really care. It's just stuff to me, and it's taking up space.
I can go through the whole "donate this crap to places like Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc.", but that sounds like more work to get logistics in order, and time to make sure things are picked up. Also, some of this stuff may not be taken by them for all I know. I've thought also just emptying the garage, pile it up in there, and call those junk companies and pay them to take it away. That sounds like a better idea, but a little pricy.
The physical stuff is just that, stuff. It's things or tools to get something done. I have little emotional attachment to it, though some evokes emotions in me when I use them. I think any emotional attachment is something that cause half of this crap is here. I need to tap into my inner sociopath and just shut the emotions off and get this done.
In a broader sense, I also have a lot of stuff in my head. I have a lot on my mind, and it's taking up room and weighing me down. It's a little paralyzing, and many of it in the bigger picture isn't needed. It's also overwhelming to figure out how to get rid of the thoughts.
Main thing to get out of all this: stop holding onto things, you run out of room.
DMV, and some other random thoughts like my schedule has been
So for the past several weeks, I've been around, but not. My job situation has had me working almost "on call", which is nice but also not nice to be honest. It further forces me to decide if working is more important to personal matters. Most days, I'm only told hours before a shift that I'm needed. I have the options to say no, but its not a salary job-I don't work, I don't get paid. One good thing is that it gives me the opportunity to work around new environments and see how other stores and companies work. So I'll say it's a push as far as I like it or not, it's a job. I'm always feeling the pull and press to figure out a balance of everything in my life-my mother's needs, my needs, etc.-but most people have these situations and issues, so I'm probably just sound like I'm pissing and moaning. My schedule should be getting some stability back soon, but I'm always trying to get a better job that better fits my skills.
As far as my quest for a new job, I've felt lost a little. I need to focus more on what exactly I want. I've always been able to transition to different roles in different industries, but I need to at this point find something specific. I enjoyed my last job working around the legal profession, company issues I had aside. I may look to get into those roles. I've been just applying to any administrative/office jobs, which is probably the worst way to do a job hunt. I've been also trying recruiters at employment agencies, but so is everyone. I need to figure out what to say/do to stand out as a candidate. I thought I should try the "what I think is right, do the opposite", since apparently people say I should have gotten hired by someone easily but haven't. Maybe I am just doing everything wrong. Job hunting sometimes makes one question all you do when things aren't working.
With some of the free time I have, it's given me the chance to get some work done in my life. One thing was getting my driver's license renewed. I still had to the end of August to do it, but I figured I should get that done sooner rather than later. I went to the DMV by MSG, figuring it's going to be an all day affair. I was pleasantly surprised to learn I could go the the "DMV Xpress" a block over to get it done. I knew of the DMV Xpress office, I did some business there regarding my old car. I thought that place was just for license plates and other smaller services. It was great to go there, it was almost empty, and get everything done quickly and easy. I did spring for the "enhanced license". It's what's probably going to be required soon for any travel. If you don't have one, you'll need a passport for even a domestic flight (which seems to go against the "freedom of movement" thing in certain founding documents of this nation). So after showing my SS card, passport, and proof I live in the state-and pay an extra $30 bucks-I now gave TSA and DHS more info to track me by. DHS/TSA often feel like dealing with Tony Montana during the latter part of "Scarface", where his paranoia took control of him. If DHS is Tony Montana, with publicl are like Manny, who would try to talk him off the edge, but feared what was going to come from the paranoia. So if you take anything from this entry, try to find a DMV Xpress and get things done easier for your automotive administrative needs.
Pass/fail-the fairest of grading
With today's emphasis on analytics in school, work, life in general, and with the need to quantify every single thing in life, it's distorted the simple question: Can someone meet the requirements of what they are doing?
Look at sports for example. Your salary is dependent on how well you play, and if a team will sign you when your contract is ended. It used to be a scout would look at you, how you are playing, and if you are a fit for the system or philosophy of a team. Now, teams employ an army of analysts who pour through statistics-physical and otherwise-and determine your worth via a spreadsheet and some graphs. That info has a level of importance, I won't debate that, but what those numbers don't show is skills or knowledge of the sport the player is playing that can make a difference in action. So players may will be overlooked, maybe ignored, and that player's earning potential is diminished. This also is what affects you in your job. Remember when you applied for a job and they asked for your GPA? Why? what does that number say to an employer? Why should it matter if you had a 4.5 or a 2.8 GPA. You graduated and got the degree they are asking for. I don't go around looking for the doctor who got the highest grade at medical school, maybe they guy wasn't good at tests but when it comes to the hands-on work, he's world class.
Schools in general is really guilty of this, and it's been like that for years. Look at the kids today and the stress they are under to keep one number high enough so someone will think they are smart enough to attend their institution. Ironic is these kids are working to get into an institution, yet may need to be committed to one due to a mental breakdown. All that grading shows is someone can remember facts, but doesn't show usage of said facts and information in practical applications. THAT'S what is most important. Like I said, I don't care if the doctor got a C or an A in medical school, can he care for me and make me better?
I propose all schooling should be pass/fail. It's simple, easy, and kids know what's expected of them. I think it will be less stressful for kids (and adults) to just worry on getting the job done, rather than getting the job done with style points. In the real world, no one cares about grades, but if your are competent enough to get a job done.
One example of good grades but pathetic application of their so called "intelligence"? most politicians. Think about that. We all know the genius who can't put his shoes on right, but the school idiot who is amazing at a skill and is making a good living doing it.
Disclosure: my GPA was 2.8 at Penn State.
Resume update, and my overall happiness in others is gone
Updated my resume part of this site. Give a look let me know what you think, please.
The past couple weeks has been somewhat stressful. Quite frankly, the past several years has been. Between my job status (which I'll get into that in another entry, with the life choice I made that led to where I am now), my family situation, and my need to fix everything myself and fix it now, I am at a limit I haven't been at in a while (probably never emotionally, but my dad's death may have had a little more impact on my emotions in grieving). I am scared, frustrated, and just sad. Happiness is in really small doses, but the bullshit that comes before and is still there after makes it less happy. Because of this, and having to work every Saturday for the past 3 years straight-seeing how everyone around is happy and doing things, making their lives fuller and richer, I can honestly say one thing:
Fuck your happiness.
I cannot fake feeling good and pleased YOU are doing well. I am jealous and angry YOU get to fulfill your dreams and do what you want, where I'm shackled with things that, quite frankly, is partly my doing. This is why I'm going to stop looking at Facebook (posting will be there since it's tied to my Twitter account). I can't see it on weekends, seeing everyone going to BJJ events, doing BJJ, soccer events-shit I can't do because my job, however shitty it is, is in the way and is all I got. I'm keeping Twitter and Instagram going since they don't make me feel the jealousy and anger I get seeing Facebook. I just can't sit on the side and act like I'm happy you get to move forward with your career and lives, where no matter how hard I"m trying to do the same, someone or something sabotages my work.
Events last week has also have me possibly giving up more I find joy in. I may have to give up BJJ. I haven't been at training for two weeks due to work schedule (I have to take what I can get due to the store I was stationed in fucked up and is homeless for a couple months), so I have had to take overnight shifts last Tuesday and Wednesday nights. They start 6pm and end about 9-9:30AM the next day. Tuesday and Thursday mornings are the only morning classes and the only classes I can attend. I couldn't go Tuesday because I wanted to sleep in as much to stay up late and Thursday I couldn't go due to finishing a 15 hour shift ending when class ended basically. This week my schedule is 7:30m-4:30pm. Theoretically I could make night classes, but since my sister has a late schedule and isn't home until 8-9pm at night, I have to get home as soon as I can to make sure my mom is ok, and make dinner for her and feed the dog. Now, my sister will be moving out soon and I'll be then held responsible for my mom for the most part. That means I have to make sure my mom is taken care of, go to work, then come home and make sure everything is ok. I don't know where I can fit in any BJJ into that. And I refuse to accept being the guy who shows up every couple weeks or once a month to train. That's not me
What also triggered this thought of quitting BJJ is my mom fell last week, in front of me, and that scared the hell out of me. This is the fourth or fifth time I've found her on the floor in my life, and this time just made me really get frightened for her. the immunotherapy she's on has her head all foggy and she's confused sometimes (her short-term memory is shot), and her balance is off. So I hate being at work late, and I make a bee-line home to make sure she's OK. Her sleep patterns are also shot, so my sister has to sleep in the living room in case my mom wakes up in the middle of the night. My mom's legs are weak, so she needs help getting up sometimes and staying up. So my sister has to be there at night so she can help my mom get to the bathroom. This will probably be one of the many jobs I inherit when my sister moves out. How am I supposed to train with all this going on? Once again, you fuckers get to keep enjoying your lives, I am the exception that has to be the fucking responsible one.
Anyone saying I'm just being a negative nelly or need to keep positive, my patience is gone with that mindset. Getting a new job has been a long and ball breaking ordeal, which has gotten me nothing. Taking care of my mom and her health is a cloud over everything/anything I do, just like my sister leaving to a new house with her fiancé. Talking about it with everyone works to a point, until someone changes the plan because they feel like it, and fuck me royally (it's happened in the past with me).
So keep on with your joy and feeling good about your worth and what you've done. I'm done faking happiness for you. Hell, some of your accomplishments and happiness is at the expense of me or because of me, and I've gotten jack shit from it.
So again: Fuck your happiness. I have my happiness taken away from me piece by piece, so why should I feel good about you and your joy?
MLS Rivalry Week and Promotion/Relegation: Shut up about it!!!
Last week was the media-created MLS "Rivalry week". It's to focus on three major "Rivalries" in Major League Soccer. It's stupid because of the three games aren't TRUE rivalries. Let me explain of each:
LA Galaxy vs. San Jose Earthquakes-This used to be a real rivalry, but San Jose as an inactive franchise for a few years (the team moved to Houston and became the Dynamo). It's not the same as if both teams were still active for the entire time. This one could be considered a rivalry in a few years, but now it's now in my opinion
Portland Timbers vs Vancouver Whitecaps-One that the media claims this has lasted since the 70s in the old NASL. Again, one or both teams have been inactive for some time between then and now, on top of the names and logos may be the same of the original teams, but the ownership, leagues they both played in over time, and time "dead". Along with this is either teams' rivalry with the Seattle Sounders. Once again, has potential to be a big rivalry but needs time with current forms.
NYCFC vs. New York Red Bulls-this has only been around for two seasons. The rivalry between them is as created organically as the NYCFC team was (just created with disregard to MLS' own rules for accepting franchises-I won't get into that). Could be a rivalry but again, no history.
I hate "Rivalry Week", mostly for the stupidity and uncreative nonsense the fans throw out between each other It's almost caused me to leave social media, and reminded me why there was a time I almost stopped watching soccer, and had to step back from being a more devoted fan. I wrote a rant on Twitter and I'll post them in the order I wrote it. It came at the point when the banter wasn't witty but stupid on my timeline about the "rivalry" between NYCFC and Red Bulls fans:
-Everyone talking about team’s ownership in MLS: you all realize MLS is 51% owner in ALL teams, everyone else is just investor, right?
-Also, maybe I’m older and from my BJJ experience, but I don’t HATE teams or players, I don’t like some but I still RESPECT them.
-Maybe things would be better if all fans do that, and focus on growing a league/sport than trying to cut it down in dumb ways
-Here’s the thing: MLS, and pretty much all teams and leagues are businesses, and businesses need $ to run.
-Esp. in soccer, some want to invest in the sport, fans don’t want that? OK, what do you want? back to shoddy leagues where no one cares?
-Or worse, anyone remember the 90s where ill-fit “businessmen” started a team, had no $ to run it, and the team didn’t least a full season?
-MLS, NASL, and USL for the most part have their reasons they only want big $ owners: to make $ and not have teams fold like old A-league.
-It just irks me seeing the stupidity “fans” throw at each other in sports with vitriol especially in a sport that can’t afford stupidity.
-It actually makes me ashamed sometimes to see those who call themselves “fans” of a team that is a business fight for it like it’s a cause.
-It’s not a cause, it’s a fucking business in entertainment that only cares your check clears for the ticket. Time at a game should bring joy.
-Ball busting between fans is fine, but when one tries to make it like it matters for their lives to where it consumes them? get help dude.
-Entertainment, and sports is just that, should be a small break from what’s wrong, not be another basis for more problems.
-I know many who are fans of rivals, we can talk in an intelligent way to each other. You know what? Its actually cool and you enjoy others
-Ranting tonight because A) I can, B) “rivalry week” reminds me of why I started to hate going to RBNY games, C) The talk btw fans is garbage
Part of this stream of conscience is from the other group of fans I am not happy with: those who want the promotion/relegation system in US pro soccer. It's a system when good teams move to the higher league, while bad ones move to a lower league. It's common around the world, but not here. Some of the Euro jock sniffers want this in the US because "that' show the rest of the World works", and it's a more "fair" system. Lower league teams for the most part are not stable organizations, and remind me of the pro teams that came around in the "dark ages" of US soccer. They would set up shop in a league, have zero promotion budget (and budget to pay their players) and last the season. People would be conned out of money and the owner either went bust or ran away with the money. Promotion/relegation wouldn't change this. Say what you want about the closed systems of MLS, NASL, and USL, but they work hard to make sure they accept ownerships who are stable and have the capital to run their teams. For the most part, this system works.
Again, I'm sick of the banter between soccer fans on this subject. It's stupid, childish, and drags the entire sport down. I wish everyone would shut up, enjoy their local teams no matter what level of soccer they play, and work together to grow the sport. And fans should stop trying to be British Hooligans and try to recreate an era and culture that almost brought down soccer in the world during the 70s and 80s.
Again, enjoy the sport for what it is, and Internet "soccer supporters" SHUT UP!!!
Night thoughts 4/26/16
-Glad to see the victims of the Hillsborough Disaster got a level of closure today when a judge in England determined that it was the police and local authorities were at fault for the 96 deaths and hundreds of injuries when the pen where Liverpool fans were overfilled. It led to people in the front of the terrace being crushed. If you don't have any idea on what I"m writing about, Google it and also watch the ESPN documentary on it. It's a sad moment in soccer, but also the moment where everything about the sport changed. From stadium setup to how security is handled at games led to what modern games are now. Some may miss the old days, and say the reform led to the higher ticket prices, but reading how the old days were at games this change had to happen at some point. The whole terrace for fans idea is still viable-it's used in student sections of college football and many leagues in Europe-but the control and order of it is strictly controlled.
-I have a Mac again. I have a MacBook I got form my girlfriend for a price to help her pay for her new MacBook. I'm still getting the rust off my mac hot keys and such, but i'm enjoying the experience. I" also enjoying having a laptop so I have a level of mobility.
-The last couple days have been some "dark days". I haven't been in a good spot with all the stresses in my life. I am glad to have those who care for me around to help out. I'm glad for my antidepressant, my Prozac, my therapy-Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and the crew I train with.
I want a challenge
What I am talking about is in my next job, I want to be at a job where everyone around me is at my (admittedly) high standard as far as my work and dedication to it. I'm a damn-near perfectionist and I can admit to a level of a control freak. I am tired of being at jobs where I have to lower my level to match the mediocrity that is around me. It's frustrating, insulting, and just sad where people are in positions and situations at a job where they do not give their all to at the very least get the job done.
A good leader or manager in any company is the one who sets the standard, and those who work under him/her should at least match that level. If he/she is coming into work on time or early, you should at least show up on time. If they are hitting marks or goals, you should to. The manager and their workers should be in a respectful competitive environment. Not a malicious, negative, angry environment, but one where everyone is pushed to do better Not so much more, but better.
My next job, I want something like that.
20 years since Molloy
I realized this past week it's been 20 years since I graduated from Archbishop Molloy HS. It's from there I went to Penn State, had a few jobs, and ended up where I am today. 20 years is a lot of time. I look back and as much as I could dwell on my shortfalls the led to me where I am professionally, I have realized a few things:
-I took the bold move on going to PSU, in a school you were almost pushed to go to St. John's University (it's one of the reasons I always root against their sports teams). I grew exponentially getting out of NYC compared to those who stayed home, stayed around their friends from HS, and didn't venture out of their comfort zone.
-My tolerance of others has grown from the 20 years.
-The lessons and values I gained from Molloy and the teachers I had are still with me and are a basis of much of my personality. The motto of the school is translated to be "not for school, but for life", and I realize a good school in general-education, martial arts, etc-will be able to put this phrase into reality.
-Technology has changed me. Back then I was not mindful of the world. I had no computer, and I was ignorant of what was possible and now that's totally different.
Speaking of technology, my mom was moved off of chemotherapy since it wasn't working too well on her cancers. The doctor put her on immunotherapy, a new cancer treatment just really coming out now. It's the therapy President Carter was on to clear his cancer. The short of it is the treatment gets your immune system active in attacking cancer. Usually cancers tell the immune system it's not a problem, but these drugs tell the immune system "No, kill that!!". I don't know if it will help, but reading about it and hearing about some success stories, I'm optimistic.
i pray it works, I pray God helps her and myself get through all this and end in a better place.
Odd feeing and 2+ years
My mom was in the hospital for a bit due to a really bad infection on her foot. It at first wasn't too bad, but it got worse to where the doctor told her to get to an ER. She went (despite my urging to go sooner, but she wanted the doctor to tell her). After leaving the hospital, I didn't feel my overwhelming worry or fear this time. I felt calm, felt relieved she was there and getting help. It was the first time I felt that with her and her afflictions. She's home now, and still have to get IV antibiotics daily for a while, but I don't feel too worried. This experience was a lesson and an exercise to not let worry and overwhelm me. I need to try to take this experience and internalize it and apply it more and more.
The other thoughts occupying my mind is work. Looking at me resume and work history I see I average 2-2 1/2 years at a job. It seems odd for someone who's been told all his life you work somewhere for decades, being loyal to the company.
I realized looking back at why I haven't stayed for so long is that at every stop, I made it as far as I was going to go. That's for one reason or another, but I make it to the ceiling and either keep banging my head into the ceiling or just losing the drive to do the work I was doing for that employer. So I make a business decision to leave and go somewhere else. It's debated how that looks, but as I have said: I don't have a piece of the company, so I'm just a mercenary doing my job. If I am not getting what I feel is fair compensation-money or otherwise-then I have a right to go somewhere to get that. I don't see a problem with that.
Which brings me to today. Actually this brings me to 6-8 months ago. The job I have now I have done as much I can, and since the money and quite frankly respect is not where I feel it should be, it's driving me to move on. I am right now looking for other opportunities. My age and experience has me focusing on places where they don't strive to be mediocre or strive to stay mediocre. I am tired of getting the "lower rung" jobs or companies. Those places aren't worth my time or energy at this stage. My last few jobs were the epitome of that. There's no challenge to move forward, but usually a fight to stay from regressing.
Maybe I'll find a place where I will stay longer than just 2-3 years this time.
Hot takes
-Election is pro wrestling with the rich soap opera families fighting and voting is just the rigged "phone/text in your vote" to look like we matter, but the storyline is already been written.
-Polls are bullshit because they are created by the same media companies vying for the ad $ from the candidates. So of course most races are too close to call. There's no money in a blowout.
-Anyone find it funny that the anarchists at most demonstrations and rallies are usually on the socialist's side? How does that work?
-Watching "The People vs. OJ" series on FX, and according to that show, the Dream Team were one big flaming homosexual gang. Also Robert Kardashian was apparently a bumbling idiot always dressed to go clubbing, but my girlfriend pointed out he was Armenian, and they ALWAYS look like they are ready to hit the clubs.
-Warby Parker glasses for me. My slow slide into Hipsterdom starts (or continues, who knows). But all serious, I like their glasses and the price with exam wasn't bad. Now if you excuse me I need to buy a Portland Timbers jersey….
-Fuck Cancer
-Fuck Diabetes
-About 8 weeks to upgrade my job situation. Only snag is as usual, I try to better myself, something trying to sabotage it.
Mindset as of leap day
I feel like a caged animal ready for the gate to be opened. Im waiting for that small amount of freedom to leap out and start doing my thing. I am growing frustrated by whatever is holding me back and it is causing me to lash out to those close to me. I feel some remorse for it but don't at the same time. One opportunity away to steamroll over others and get mine.
A couple positives
In BJJ, I'm feeing comfortable in my ranking. What happened usually you are promoted to a new rank, and you start having that mess with your mind. You are unsure if you deserve the status and you feel the bull's eye on you. It's the bull's eye lower ranked guys see on you and want to get at. After a little while, your confidence grows and you start to see why you are where you are, and feel the comfort in knowing you did earn your rank. Funny part is I got my blue belt (first promotion) and didn't really feel the pressure much. Now as a purple belt, I felt it for the first month or so to prove I earned it. I'm at the middle rank, and many feel purple is where you should start to be a teacher to the lower belts. When I sat back and let things sit in, I felt OK, and now I am at a level of comfort. Still a lot of road to go to black, but I'm on it, no matter how long it takes.
Personally, life is improving. My mom situation is getting better and I'm amazed by her strength and determination is inspiring. The things around her situation is improving and I am seeing some pressure and limitations on me starting to go away, and I'm looking forward to what's coming up.
How do you prefer I bother you?
Do you prefer to talk on the phone/FaceTime/Skype or communicate via text or email? Its a question I always wonder about given the number of ways one has to communicate to others. I'm going to try to make more of an effort to try actually calling or using FaceTime/Skype to talk to people. First it'll help my social skills. Second it'll help me see if any statement is meant in what I think it does (I'm a war has been started over someone misinterpreting a written communication).
I ask you, the reader of this (which I am guessing it's A reader, but it's much appreciated), what is the best ways to communicate with you and why is that what you prefer.
Waiting for the dominos to fall
I am a man who wears a lot of hats these days, some quite frankly I do not want. I do because I have to and that's just what I do. I look at my life now, and I am serving everyone else but myself. I also look at the solutions and they are all predicated on one or two moves that have to happen but those are out of my control. It's a frustrating feeling. I also honestly think what I am doing isn't appreciated by those it helps.
I am at my job right now and I really can't move to another because the schedule lets me help out my mom one weekday a week with her appointments. If I am not available, it makes it extremely hard and expensive for her to be transported to and from her appointments. It's one of those things where the dominos are all set up, and one thing needs to push the first one for the others to fall and thing would be right. But I know that there will be other complications. The whole situation has me having my life revolve around her needs, which hinders a lot of my life (relationships, personal interests, overall growth, etc.) and it bothers me a lot. My job already has put stress on these thing, but this situation I feel has made some of it worse.
I know, boo hoo grow up, but at the same time it's not how one should live. Its changed me not for the better. What doesn't help is that pretty much all aspects I now have to walk on eggshells because of how hyper sensitive people are, and God forbid someone's feelings gets hurt and don't feel special. That complicates my situations even more so I have to "play nice". I HATE doing having to almost enable people's stupidity and laziness so they can be happy in their ignorance, at my expense.
Whatever the Hell that's out of my control better get done soon. I can't afford, money wise and personally, to live and fee like this.
Monthly, I guess, update
Since the last entry, lots have happened. Some bad, but some good. I'll try to organize this as best I can, but this is a therapy entry. I'm just writing to get some stuff off my chest/head.
My mom is doing better, which is good. The problem with recovery is always a "two steps forward, one back". She moves around better, but still needs help. She still is doing Chemo but the side effects are harsh. She is anemic, which is a side effect from the treatment. Part of the problem is that the treatments make her weak, and anemia makes it worse. Her walking is tougher, and she tires from it quickly. it sucks trying to keep expectations in perspective, since I thought she'd be out of the wheelchair by now, but she can't move well without it. I'm always worried of complacency and she gets too used to it. But her condition and the side effects sort of don't give her an option. Do I think she can do more? Yes, but that's coming from someone who isn't in her shoes. Having someone who has gone through a parental situation like my mom helps, but at the same time my impatience and desire to see her get better sometimes gets the best of me.
The next few weeks will add even more stress. My sister returns to work in January, and hopefully Medicaid will kick in and help get an aide to come over for a few hours a day. The thought of my sister not being here to help her out has me really nervous. Hopefully the next week or so helps clear up some of the uncertainty.
I'm still dealing with some of the issues I feel about everything. I still feel some anger to my mom and family members, thinking she and they did all these to herself and my sister and I have to pick up the pieces and take the responsibility on us to deal with her choices. It's a tough feeling to work through, and one to not let consume my thoughts. I hope something will come and fix it.
Working in a retail-industry job sucks. Especially this time of the year. The hours are expanded and I chose to work an extra day to pay for Christmas gifts. The manager chose to add hours to the store days because she's all about her bonus and needs to pat for her kid's preschool. The employees also are trying to make their bonus, but seeing their skills, they won't. Outside of one of them, the rest are at best mediocre salespeople.
My relationship with all those involved with the store is now more just "I do my job, that's it". They celebrate a big sale or big day, but I don't participate. To be honest, whether or not they do well has no effect on my paycheck-I don't get a cut of the sales like they do-so why should I care?
I have grown to despise the store, I can't stand to be in there anymore. I want to get a better job where I feel I'm used more, and paid what I feel my experience and skills deserve. I am only still there because the schedule allows me to help with my mom and the house during the week. Had I not have the obligations to, I'd work harder to get a better position, or a better paying one at least.
Its not all bad. Sunday I received my purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I was honestly surprised I was awarded it since I felt my skills aren't at that level. Training has helped keep my head together, but at the same time I am distraced with everything and I didn't feel I progressed so much to be promoted. It's a cool feeling, but a bit of anxiety and pressure. Some may say I should shut up and enjoy the moment, which I did in that moment. But like life after any other moment you have to start working for the next one.