by Peter Marus

Hello all, It's Saturday night and I am home sitting at my computer. That should tell you how much planning I did this weekend. So to clear up some boredom, I chose to write down some thoughts I have.

First off, I was watching these stories on steroids in baseball. Part of me is on the side of throwing some of these players out of the league, but also part of me doesn't think there is a huge deal, and even understand some of these players. Remember the Speed scandal, when players in the past would take speed and super-caffeinated pills to get themselves “up” for games and keep up at a level throughout the season to keep their job? I think some of these players doing steroids/HGH are only doing it to keep them “up” to last through the season. Think about it: you play your ass off one night, probably hurting something, and you have to pay more the next couple days. If you have some nagging injuries, you need to do something to try to speed up the healing process. Like I said, some who blatantly used steroids to gain more power and bump up their stats for a bigger payday should be dealt with severely. But some like Pettite, who used HGH/Steroids to help with their healing process, shouldn't be really dealt with as badly because they felt like they HAD to do that in order to keep their job. Who can blame someone who did whatever they had do to keep their job?

Second, I just got done with an IM conversation over me and my apparent “anger” that I project, and how that could be both a turn off to others who first meet me and how that could be a severe issue. First off, I am not a totally mean person, I am just an honest person and it may come off as anger. Some can't take honesty and equate an honest remark as something mean spirited. This person said that I should apparently “turn it down”, because I may come off as aggressive and turn people off (which this person said that could be a core reason I am still single). Look, I am just being myself, something I am always told to be, but now someone is telling me not to totally be, because “the first impression is the most important” (that fucking cliché, only heard that over and over in my life). To me, it sounds like this person wants me to bullshit someone into thinking I am someone I am not, rather than just be up front and let them see who I am, and if they don't like it they can leave. This is my one big issue with people-they act like who I am is what they want, but then after a little while, they want me to change or they suddenly can't handle who I am and how I act.

This isn't just in relationships with women, but with friends and professionally. To me, what was said by this person is bullshit. When it come to relationships with women, how I act is a result of watching a lot of the men in my family, and want to know something? most of them are in happy and healthy relationships with women that “get it”, and the ones who aren't are just as happy with their lives. But according to some, that's not how to live. I am supposed to “fall in line” with the society and become some emasculated zombie, that's supposed to just accept whatever is told to me.

As far as friends, I may not have a lot of them, but I do have friends around me who accept how I am, and the relationships I have with these people are close and fulfilling (not in that way-but in a way men have full friendships). But in any type of relationships I have, all I ask out of others is the same thing people ask of me. How the hell am I wrong in doing that?? Some say my “niceness” is a front, but it really isn't. Whoever I meet I am nice and give them the benefit of the doubt. After time I may start to trust them, assuming they are honest or give the impression they are. If they do compromise my trust or any core value I have and look for in anyone I deal with. Any emotional connection is severed, and I am numb to them, and at some point I turn my back to them. I am amazed that the people that have gone by the wayside cant' deal with the result of them either lying to me or making me question their honesty. Though all that does play into one big deal with me: whatever choice you make, you have to be ready for whatever result comes from it, both good and bad. Most people I have dealt with can't accept the outcome of their choice, which includes me calling them out on their lies or choices. Hence why I do not have a lot of friends around me, but I do have friends I really trust and value.

Call me a racist, call me a woman hater, call me whatever it is the hell you want. You can not say I am not honest with people, and I have no guilt or regret what I say or do because all I do and say is based on the information I have.