by Peter Marus

My my there has been quite a bit of talk on my lil ol blog lately. Lots of people taking sides on something that is probably the most emotionally-draining things in my life. To “D” (ain't using full names here), you are a good friend, I gotta give you props for sticking up for her, she deserves to be stuck up for. I ain't mad at ya, but at the same time I wish you could hear my side of the story. Sure, I bet she wishes my cousin heard her side as well, but that's my cousin being him. This blog is going to be weird for me. It's coming after looking at her myspace page and reading her blogs. I haven't seen her page in a while, and it was a complete shock what I read, and I felt like I had to write something here after the extreme emotional jolt I felt. I”m going to be really opening up in a way most haven't seen. I'm leaving myself open to a lot of shit here, but for those who try to take advantage of it: fuck you and don't even start, I'm not in the mood for that shit. This person this blog is all revolving around brings out every single emotion in me. I have to get this out of me before it stays on my chest like it is like a 50 pound weight.

I won't be giving names out of respect. She was someone I was seeing last year, and she made me feel things I never felt before. She and I had an uncanny amount of things in common, and our conversations would last for hours. I always made her laugh and smile, as she did me. We didn't really hang out in person (location, schedules made things hard but we both tried to make time for each other) but whenever we talked or did anything together. It felt like to me we were the only ones around and we really connected. Not in just the “best buddies” way, but in a way when you looked at each other, you stared for several seconds, just because. I could sit with her in complete silence and just say nothing for hours. Every time I looked into her eyes, I felt a warmth and invitation that said “hey big guy, you are wanted here...don't ever leave”. Most of the time we talked on the phone or over MSN on headsets/mics. I would wait up all hours of the night even if it was to talk to her for five minutes, any time I heard that voice of hers, it made whatever shit I went through that say seem so unimportant. The best way I can describe how I exactly felt about her is that it was like a warmth from having blanket around me. With this feeling brought out a confidence I never had since the passing of my father. Many people noticed my attitude changed and said I looked good and acted with such a swagger they haven't seen or never saw from me. I was also still over-analyzing things when it came to me and her, until one night she said something that I have kept in my heart and still follow: if it feels good and right, follow through with it. And this thing we had always felt good and right, and I let myself go and let things progress the way they did.

When I met her, it was a few months after my dad died. I was still going through a little bit of the grieving, but I was ready to move on. I remember she and I would talk about it on occasion, and when I would really get down about it, somehow she found a way to bring me back to a smile. I remember when she told me of the situation with her father (I wont' go into too much detail about it, just it was one of the worst situations no one is ever ready for when dropped on them), I would do all in my power to make her feel better. I wanted so bad to make sure she was ok. I remember the message I sent her after she said what was going on with her dad, saying that I was there for her and probably for the first time letting myself really open up to her about how I felt about her. The next morning I got a phone call from her. I picked up and all she could say was “thank you”, but in the way like she just had a huge emotional relief. I can't tell you how happy it made me feel to hear her say that. Later that night she told me how she felt reading what I wrote to her. I was on such an emotional high it was amazing. What cemented all these feelings for me was a time she said something about how she enjoys all the messages and talks we have, and I said something like “well it's good you put in the effort in as well”, and that led to her, not in anger, to go off on me saying that to her, “effort” equals work and this was anything but. At this point, it hit me like “whoa, this is something that's not just a stupid friendship or anything like that, but something real. Something with someone that has a lot of potential for a long-term thing.”

Well a few weeks after she said what was going on with her dad, she was having a hard time dealing with it (most people would). I'll say this, I lost my dad out of the blue, and she was in a situation like watching a car driving off a cliff, knowing it's going to happen, and can't do anything to prevent it, but the grieving process is almost the same, just when one does it is different. I remember a few talks trying to help her cope, and the emotional roller-coaster she was on was really extreme. I didn't let it phase me too much, being through the process myself I know what was happening. The last time (the last one I was involved with), was a week after she went to see her father out west for the first time after she got this news. Before that we were talking about how we are going to see a lot more of each other, make time to go places together, and just make this thing really work. When she got back, out of the blue she asked if we could just be friends and that's it. I was stunned and at first was taking it like another mood-swing (in that she is going through this shit and logical thinking was out the door). I tried to talk her through it, sensing she didn't really want it. But part of me also knew that she was the type to make a choice and no matter what she was going to stick with it. I honestly couldn't just be a friend, I wanted much, MUCH more due to the deep connection I felt with her. I had to compromise a lot that I normally wouldn't to make this work, but I did it because I felt it was the best for the both of us, not to just make her happy, but both of us happy. Sadly I chose that I couldn't be just a friend to her and stopped talking to her. I partly feel horrible for doing it, but at the same time I felt like if I were to stay around hoping she would change her mind, there was a good chance she wouldn't and I just couldn't see how I could handle that (“selfish prick” I bet some are thinking, but I DO have to think of myself as well in severe emotional situations too)

Now, I won't go through the recent shit, I'm going to take this part to tell you where all the “bitterness”, and “anger” came from, since something tells me the subject of this blog could be reading this and she deserves to further understand this. Much of what I said I take responsibility for it, but I do not apologize for it. I may have taken it too far as it should have, but most of what I felt was real and honest. What I say here isn't to make people feel guilty for me or whatever you would feel. It's just to put everything out there so those involved/interested understand things

So, after we went our ways, everything good went bad. I lost all the confidence I had. My mind, heart, and gut told me this all was right, and in one fell swoop it was all wrong. It made me to a point where I couldn't make a choice for myself. I”m not joking or saying it in hyperbole. My cousin who comments on this thing can vouch for times not long after me and her splitting where I would have a damn-near meltdown over making a choice of what to have at a restaurant or off a take-out menu. It would take me an hour to choose what shirt to wear for work. Everything I had to choose I did with great doubt and fear; it felt like a good idea, but I had something that felt so right go wrong, so how can I trust this simple thing be right? This went on for a long time, and at one point I was so frustrated with how I was feeling I put all of it on her and how SHE did this to me. This is where a lot of the mean things I said just out of blind anger to her and what happened. But at the same time, I felt like I still wanted her back and I would give anything to have her back. Eventually I started to try to move on, but her memory was always there, almost haunting me. I found myself comparing other women I dated to her. She as the bar women had to match, and none did. This again lead to some more anger to her for leaving such a mark that I couldn't find someone else. But again, it just led to me thinking she may be the only one for me and I wanted her again. Since we split, this is the cycle I have been though.

I couldn't watch Jets games comfortably (she's a Jets fan), all the memories/emotions come rushing up. Christ, going to soccer games at Giants Stadium was a dicey situation at one point! Same when Korn is played, particularly songs from the album “See You on the Other Side”. It was a intense moment while watching their unplugged episode; Imagine a 5'11” 235lbs. blubbering mess damn near falling off his chair to sob if he didn't turn the show off in time. It still affects me now to a point, and some of you are probably saying to yourself “good, you fucking deserve to feel that asshole”. Well fuck you and I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemies.

I'm sure her reasons for what she did are valid. She did tell me that she didn't want to have me around because she was afraid I would not be able to handle her in her sad state. I can see that, but at the same time I told her numerous times that I would be right by her side. I was primed and ready to help: I carried my family emotionally through the months after my dad's passing. I also knew how to handle a situation like what she was in: I for the most part kept one entire faction of my family from coming apart. I was the one who gave emotional support and also drove my Aunt and cousin to and from a hospital everyday for months to see my dying uncle. I stopped looking for work at the time to step up and do this. On top of this, I had to help keep everyone in one piece whenever the shit hit the fan. Again, my cousin can tell you this if he chooses, he had to see me take control of things I had no right to but someone had to in order to keep things going. This time period is when I refer to when someone asks me when did I grow up...I had to do shit and to man up in ways I didn't know was possible.

I wish she could give me another chance. I grew and changed since things happened. I emailed her a few months ago to try to tell her that no matter what, she is always on my mind, and I still wish for the chance to explore where we could lead to. When I was emailing her a few months ago, all these emotions came up again and it paralyzed me. Thank God for my cousin, his wife, and L, even now they help me out and through all these emotions. Thank you you guys. You are good friends for sticking up for me and supporting me.

Which led me to tonight....reading her myspace page. Don't even ask why I was, she was on my mind and something led me to seeing it. I had a pain in my chest from all the feelings coming up. My hands and feet went numb. I had to turn off my web browser it was so intense. It hurt me so much reading what she had on her page and what she was going through. I kept saying to myself “I should be there, I want to be there to hold her and tell her it's ok.” I don't know why, but I feel as if on one hand God or some higher power is telling me that she is the one for me, but on the other hand, it's teasing me, giving me just enough to keep me wanting her, but never letting it happen by circumstances. That's one of the reasons I am writing now, maybe writing will help me not feel these intense emotions. I don't know, All I know is that I wish that I had the chance to show her the man that is me, and prove to her that all I've told her and how I feel about her is true. I wrote to her last night and told her to call me, but I want to say right now that I miss the hell out of her, and I wish I had a way to see her face, look into her eyes and tell her all that I feel for her and ask that she put all the doubts and worries aside and give me the chance to prove myself.

Again to all the haters out there, this is not the time or place to start talking shit, leave that for another time. I am not in the mood right now to deal with cunty, bitchy attitudes about myself. I am opened up wide here, and wounded, don't fuck with me.

Ok enough of my ramblings...I”m drained as hell