by Peter Marus

This is a tad early, but this entry is about what happened not long after I posted last night I was about to go to bed, when someone Imed me. The person who Imed me was someone I was going out with a couple months ago, and in the end she lied to me and didn't' value me as much as I thought she did. She was also the “last straw” and led to me re-evaluating myself. So here's how it went:
Her: Hello
Me: What do you want
Me: You there?
Me (after a couple minutes of nothing): Well if you ain't talking now, c-ya
Her: Sorry I went to the bathroom
Me: why are you Iming me
her: What, I can't say hello?
Me: No you can't you lost the right to after what you did
Me: I want nothing to do with you
Her: Wow...ok
(She logs off)

I still don't get it. Why would I want to be friends with someone who wouldn't give me all that I want, and expect me to just compromise what I feel just to make her happy. This reminds me of what happened earlier this year. This one chick, who I was in love with and she made me feel things I have never felt before, emails me after almost a year of no contact about what I said/wrote about her. She read my shit and got upset, and she said some bullshit that she also saw a bitterness in me that she put there, and she is the only one who can get rid of it. So after a couple long emails of how she misses and cares about me, how what she did was a mistake, and how she wishes I was still in her life, I said simply let's start over. Not from where we left off, but from the start and rebuild what we had. And for the second time, she couldn't handle the idea and got scared of the idea that it could not work more than looking forward to what could work, also stating she wouldn't be able to give me all of her effort and her heart wouldn't be into it. So she again wanted me to be just friends with her, and again I had to say no, adding I never want to hear from her again since I hate the bullshit this all brings up. To this day, i will say she has kept her word and I haven't heard form her.

I'll be completely honest, I still miss her and all that from time to time, she made me feel good about myself and at the time we met and were together, I needed that. But at the same time I”m not going to sit here pining for her, what the fuck could I do? I am not going to beg for her back, seeing I know where I am not wanted. So I just have to deal with this and keep moving on. Occasionally her memories come up, but then again who hasn't have had something like this happen with an ex? But as well as the memories are, the other bad shit comes up and reminds me that what I decided was the right decision, both times. Do I know how she feels? I don't know or really care, considering she lied to me twice. I think she did and still do have strong feelings for me, but she had a self-sabotaging attitude that seemed to always try to make this all fall apart from the start. But oh well, she's the past and I am not going to compromise me to make other happy. I need to be satisfied and happy first, or at the same level she is happy.