by Peter Marus

I haven't slept well the past several days. Along with the stuff I have written here recently that has been on my mind, one thing that always is there, but I usually just let it go. This time however I seem to not be able to with the holiday season and all. To you its probably something minor, or you may read this and think I am crazy, but that's you and you are not me.

What's been on my mind at night as I lay down in bed to sleep is something simple and probably common. I worry about what would happen if “the rug is ripped out from under me.” I was thinking about the family I am living with now, mine, and realize that we all ain't getting any younger. My mom seems to be doing well, but then again my dad looked fantastic a couple years ago as well. She's go Diabetes and smokes, so she's got that against her. and she doesn't really keep any of it in check as far as doctors go (I believe she has a real fear of them, and hospitals. Hence why she doesn't go). So I live at home still, with her and my sister. I know, real chick magnet here, but it also is more of a money issue. That's the thing; God forbid something happens and I am left here without my mom. What am I going to do? My job is not paying my much right now, so I can't just go out and get my own place. I think I could force myself to stretch my check to do so, but seeing what places could fit my budget i'd probably be living in a closet in the middle of nowhere. I see what I get in my paycheck and wonder how I could survive on it if I had to. Maybe I just suck at my saving money, but then again I am not really doing insane impulse buying.

I also look at if I was forced to, how would I handle all the affairs as far as getting rid of this house and all the stuff inside of it. It's not an easy thing to do in New York City, and especially in the current real estate climate. There's so much crap in the house, that I should really start to get rid of anyway. It's going to take a while to do so. I”ve been planning to try to clear out the basement and just any extra crap in the house since my dad died, maybe next year I will do so.

It's funny, as I am writing this, I am watching the dog play in the other room. He's playing with his rawhide bone without a care or concern. he seems to have a simple life: sleep, eat, get attention and play with us, and just hang out. It's somewhat of a utopian life if you think about it. At the same time, he also depends on us to feed and take care of him. That's another worry of me: if this house went, so would the dog at the same time. that would probably be one of the hardest part for me to get done. the dog has bounced around from a couple houses before coming into my life, and to do that again to him, especially after he's grown attached to me, my sister and my mom, it would be heartbreaking. For some reason, this is one of the hardest parts of me to worry about. He would be a victim of circumstance, and he would not be asking for it. As much as he is technically my mom's dog, since she picked him, I've grown to love the dog. he's got a way to make me smile and make me feel calm and better about any troubles I have. To get rid of him would be like getting rid of my arm. I dont' know why I have such a connection to an animal, but it seems like I have one. I”m not ashamed to say that I almost cried one night thinking about this.

I think most of this stuff I just wrote about comes form being here at home all the time. When i was in college and away form home, I never really had to worry about all this, probably since I had enough to worry about and I was actually on my own. For all I know, this is what I need to stop thinking about all this. Or it could be another simple thing like, and I believe this is the medical term, I am bat shit crazy. but now I am going to try to put my goals for next year down, maybe it will help me keep them in mind to achieve them.

OK, so now on my list for things to do next year, I have so far:

1.Get a tattoo
2.Work on cleaning out this house of crap
3.try to figure out my budget and see how much my paycheck can get me. Maybe I can move out of here and onto my own life
4.I should add try to travel to see other places and people

I will be adding more to this list, and hopefully I'll be able to achieve what I have on this list.

On top of all this, I have been worried about a couple people in my life that I find to be special and important to me. One just had their latest major issue resolved today, and I couldn't be happier. the past night or so has been a little nerve-racking for me, and I'm sure much, much more for her. She had to face something that would have been life changing and devastating. She had to take another test that the fist time didn't come back right, and needless to say this has probably been the most stressful time for her, especially since it's something that would be affecting her lifestyle. On top of this, she did something not-so-bright, and I scolded her for it since there was no excuse for her to do what she did. Much like anytime she has asked me for advice, I tried to give her the best informed advice I could, and a lot of the times it seemed to help make her feel at peace. Yesterday I had to blast her and be probably the most brutal I could to try to make sure she nderstood what was going on and what the ramifications could be by her actions, and what the results of the test could be. Last night I was really worried about how is she going to handle the result if it doesnt' go her way. I know it's not anything I should b eworried about, but she is someone that I really care for and friends always worry about friends who are in trouble.

But today I checked my email on my phone, and I got an email from her saying everything came back ok, and as much as I am sure it was a burden off her shoulders, for some reason I felt calm as well. See, she's been one of my few friends that has been the most brutal as far as her honesty with me, as I have been with her. She's also has been through a lot, and I would always make time for her to let her vent, giver her some advice on a subject, and just be a friend. She's been the same for me, and in this world these days, that is something rare. I am glad that things are going to be ok for her, and at least there is one thing I don't have to worry about.

On the other hand, I have another person in my life that is just as, or even more special to me than the person I have just talked about. This person and I have had our ups and downs, but no matter what happened, I always had a special feeling for her. I have said some brutal things about her here, and some of it I felt was justified, but some of it was possibly over the line, yet at the time I thought it was right and I take responsibility for my words. This person in particular has been given a real raw deal the past year or so. She has had to deal with a lot more in that said year, than most have to deal with in a lifetime. Through all this, she has come out stronger than I'm sure she's even through she could be. She sure as hell strong enough that she needs no one else if her life, especially someone like me, and I have always felt blessed that she would have even give me tie time of day, let alone what she has given me in happiness. Recently she has had to deal with a lot of family issues, and it has led to her having a massive amount of work and stress on her. I've experienced what the stress was like for her recently, and since then, she has been on my mind even more, and in my prayers even more. I worry about her because of the job she does, and the amount of work she has had to do that could be an issue for her safety. And with the amount of work she has been doing, I also worry about her health and hope her body and mind can endure it.

It hurts me that I can't really do anything to make it better for her. I have sent her emails every so often talking about what's been going on in my life. Some may consider that insensitive or selfish to talk about me with all that she is going through but I have a reason that's pretty simple: I'm just trying to give her something to read and possibly for a moment to not think about what is going on in her life, and maybe give her a smile in her stressful time. Not only that, but also to simply let her know “hey, I'm thinking of you and pulling for ya to overcome all the challenges in front of you, because I believe you can.” I've also done some other things as well as the emails, and I honestly am not sure what kind of impact it all has made, but I just hope that the reasons for what I have been doing is obvious and not misunderstood. After reading all this, I'm sure some of you are THRILLED to have read this information and what's on my mind. I”m sure I'll be getting emails/calls about all this.

These are the types of things that I think about at night in bed, and sometimes at work, but mostly at night when I am trying to sleep. I'm amazed I even get any sleep.