by Peter Marus

So Friday night I had a couple things that stuck in my head. First, after going to a Karaoke bar and hearing what some consider singing, I think we didn't drop enough bombs on the Japanese. But what saved me issues with the Japanese is what Nintendo has done with the Wii. They have a service where you can buy and download older games. Games from their library, but also games that were made for Sega's Genesis and the other major game systems that have been out in the past. I got a bunch of my old favorites and have been enjoying them the past day or two, all while looking at the paperweight that is my Xbox 360.

Overall Friday night was ok, outside of some things going on around me. It as nice to get out and not mope around the house. It was also good to be distracted for at least one night from some of the things that have been on my mind this past week. I really needed to get out and focus on something else rater than my bullshit, and seeing what was going around me that night did help. Had to focus on my cousin who left to go home early because he was sick, and had to help make sure his wife got home ok. Also hung out to try to be somewhat calming presence as well for others, especially since I wasn't really drinking that night (don't ask me why, I had a few drinks and then I had no desire for anymore-so it was water the rest of the night). Sort of fitting I somehow was dressed as a security dude.

Next morning went to Union Square with some people to do some christmas shopping in the small stores that are set up in the park for the holidays. Well, they did shopping, I just tagged along since my list is done. I went to the same event they have in Bryant Park, but this one is bigger and with better quality shops. So after a little walking and looking, I went home and got some Christmas stuff done.

I get home and help get the tree up and decorated. As new as the tree is, it was bought last year, it still is put on a stand that my dad made (which is a regular tree stand bolted on a milkcrate with part of it cut out so Mary, Joseph, an Jesus can be put inside of it). I started thinking about all that and it hit me. the tree is like a metaphor for my life. As new as things are built and grown in my life, there is a base of it that was placed and created by my dad that is always there to hold things up. One thing that my dad instilled in me is the idea that whatever you do for others, do it because you want to and do it for the best intentions. That's what I do, and for the most part people seem to get it and appreciate it. Then there are times where others don't to take what I do with some shady or ulterior reason, or sometimes it's taken as me being selfish, which blows my mind. So let me get this straight, I take the time, effort and sometimes money to do something for someone to make them feel better or at least not as shitty, and that's a selfish act??? if that's the case, I'm one selfish motherfucker, and I'll continue to be one. I don't ask to get involved with other's family/personal issues, I don't try to force change on others or be a huge distraction. I just listen, and try to give as much advice as I can without really getting involved. I don't see how that's selfish, but apparently it is. So I guess will have to learn to deal with a selfish prick like me.

Ironically, I hate it when others do the same for me. Why is that you ask? because I feel guilty having it done for me, especially when sometimes the people that do things for me shouldn't even think of me and more of themselves and make themselves better. I'm sure that's what others think about me, but in reality, I don't see a lot of what I can do to improve myself and my life any better than it is now. Most of any improvements I can think of can only come from over time and with patience. Even though I do not really like things done for me and feel guilty that it is done. I am damn sure appreciative of what they do and never for get it.

Also this week marked something really rare. I was wrong about something. I was so wrong that I had to apologize to a lot of people about it. I was a real dick to a lot of people who thought I was wrong in my thinking and I was such a dick about it. I had my arrogance up in that I am never wrong about things my heart and mind are in agreement on, but this week that was proven so wrong, i felt like Imus apologizing to everyone for being a huge douchebag. Not surprisingly, the response has been either “hey it's cool. I was just being a concerned friend and it's ok”, to “See? that's what you get for not listening to me.” Eh I was wrong, I learned from it, and now time to move on.

Sorry if this whole deal is a little disorganized, just have a lot on my head that is trying to get out, and it's not exactly in the most orderly way. but then again if you've been reading this for a while you should be used to it.