by Peter Marus

I was thinking about my skills as a writer/speaker/bullshitter today while I was driving home from my inspection (which I passed, thank you very much). And the one instance of my creativity kept popping up.

My cousin asked me to be his best man at his wedding. I of course accepted. This meant I gave the toast at the reception. I had a toast all made up and mostly memorized. Well after the ceremony, where my cousin made an ass of himself by doing something most men really should do…yell out “What?” when the “from death do us part” line comes up, there as the cocktail hour. Of course being part of the wedding party, I had to hang around for pictures. This only took up 45 of the 60 minutes of the cocktail hour. The funny part was, and should tell you how much class my family has, was that most of my family thought that the cocktail hour with it’s buffet and open bar, was the reception!!! I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack when I explained to him that there’s still the main reception, and that this is just the cocktail hour!

Well after I got my drink and plate of food, I was about to sit and enjoy the food, when I get my plate taken away from me and I’m whisked away to a room where my cousin, his new wife and his sister-in-law/maid of honor….WHO WERE ALL EATING!!!! This distracted me from part of my toast, but ad enough to pull something decent off. After about 10 minutes, and my cousin asking me “did you eat?,” “why didn’t you eat?” as he was stuffing his face, the DJ came in to run through how the reception was going to go down. He says how we were going to be introduces, a little dance and then in a fake radio DJ-type voice, points to me and goes, “And then you’re going to give the toast!” At that point all went blank in my head!!!

So after the dance, and all that crap, I get handed a mic and I thought I was going to faint. Well somehow I pull something out of my ass, where most of my jokes/shots at the newlyweds went over well, I ended the toast and my cousin hugged me tightly. I don’t know if that was “Thanks for the nice toast”, or a “Wow that sucked, but I got a hell of a laugh.” People were telling me how nice the toast was, but in reality, who complains how bad the toast is???? And who would say it to the toaster’s face??? You could be drunk, all hopped-up on coke, meth, and acid, punch out the groom and French the bride, and people will still think the toast was awesome.

On a totally different note, I got the greatest news from someone special to me. I heard news that not only pt my mind at ease, but filled me with happiness. You know that smile you have when you are really surprised and happy at the same time? The one that looks like the person with it is enjoying having a stroke? I had that on my face for a while today. Then it went to just a plain smile when I saw Metro beat the Fire tonight (I wish I had the money to go, how often does an England/Colombia game-two top teams in the world against each other-is the opener, while a MLS game is the main event!!!) Although the Mets lost tonight, it’s no big deal. They’re still the better team in the city here.