by Peter Marus

There's a reason why I haven't written in a while. I haven't been feeling right. I felt for the past week that something was “broken” with me. I was easily confused, I couldn't finish my thoughts when I spoke with people, and I just didn't feel right at all. So I decided to go to the doctor, I chose to go to a new doctor in Manhattan, since it's close to my job and also I had no desire to go back to my old doctor. I didn't' want to go that savage I was going to since she acted like she didn't really care, but then again where she is from there's so many people in her country, the value of human life means almost nothing-one less, but a billion more so the one loss won't be missed. Also she had a thing to try to get me to go see the other “specialists” in her office, and most of them had hours like “in on the first and third Wednesdays after the third lunar phase”. I didn't want to deal with that bullshit and felt it's better to go into manhattan and get a real doctor.

I go for my first physical with the doctor, and I talked about all the problems I was having. With out batting an eye, I got a new prescription for my blood pressure, and already I am feeling better, I was on this stuff called Hyzaar, and it made me feel all of what I said before, and it also made me dry-mouth all the time, and I was drinking a ton of water. The new stuff is making me feel better as far as the mental stuff and dry-mouth, just still have to get used to it. I was told by the doctor that I may feel a little tired and lethargic the first week or so, but when my body adjusts to the new medication I should be fine. I did feel a little tired today and did end up taking a nap today. I didn't' go to the soccer game tonight because i didn't want to risk getting groggy on the road. For those curious, my last blood pressure measurement was 138/92-high, but nothing that would send me to the hospital.

So after all this I have been doing a lot of thinking. I ned to adjust myself to try to get my blood pressure lower. I already am getting back into doing the yoga thing (or at least trying yoga-I must look like a complete ass trying it), and I am trying to watch how much I eat and drink. What I really need to do is stop thinking so much and worrying about some inane bullshit. I also need to really stop trying to think I can control things I can't, and also accept the fact that it's ok to be a little selfish and that I am allowed to fail and not know everything. I've always had this mindset that i had to be everything to everyone like my dad was with a lot of people. I talked to my mom about all this and she really tried to point out that as much as my dad did so many things for people, he also said no to a lot of others. She also said that she wasn't cool with how I feel like I have everything on my back as far as the house goes, and she said “look, there's three adults here, we all have to, and have done, shared the responsibilities as far as this house, and everything is going well and everything is fine with the house so stop worrying.” This whole “Stop worrying about everything” thing is going to be tough for me to do, it's like a bad habit. I need those I talk to and know me to try to remind me that I shouldn't worry about stupid shit if I am acting like I”m stressing over something stupid.

As far as the other part of my stressing usually, where I feel like I need to know everything and be able to do everything I am asked to do, is something I am slowly trying to get myself out of. I always want to help others, whether I know what to do or not. I always feel like people are always counting on me to be “right” or able to get everything I am asked to do done. That's what is one of the reasons I flew off the handle when I am trying to do something and it's not going my way, I felt like I would let someone down or my value to people would lessen. In the end, I am starting to realize it's ok to be average, and if I do all I can and if I don't solve a problem or something, it's OK. I also realize now that the last few people who said they were perfect in this world, died early in their lives. Like I said, I need some people to help me remember all this, and I am fortunate to have some in my life that will help me remember this.

OK that's enough of my writing.