Monthly, I guess, update

Since the last entry, lots have happened.  Some bad, but some good.  I'll try to organize this as best I can, but this is a therapy entry.  I'm just writing to get some stuff off my chest/head. 

My mom is doing better, which is good.  The problem with recovery is always a "two steps forward, one back".  She moves around better, but still needs help.  She still is doing Chemo but the side effects are harsh.  She is anemic, which is a side effect from the treatment.  Part of the problem is that the treatments make her weak, and anemia makes it worse.  Her walking is tougher, and she tires from it quickly.    it sucks trying to keep expectations in perspective, since I thought she'd be out of the wheelchair by now, but she can't move well without it.  I'm always worried of complacency and she gets too used to it.  But her condition and the side effects sort of don't give her an option.  Do I think she can do more? Yes, but that's coming from someone who isn't in her shoes.  Having someone who has gone through a parental situation like my mom helps, but at the same time my impatience and desire to see her get better sometimes gets the best of me.  

The next few weeks will add even more stress.  My sister returns to work in January, and hopefully Medicaid will kick in and help get an aide to come over for a few hours a day.  The thought of my sister not being here to help her out has me really nervous.  Hopefully the next week or so helps clear up some of the uncertainty.   

I'm still dealing with some of the issues I feel about everything.  I still feel some anger to my mom and family members, thinking she and they did all these to herself and my sister and I have to pick up the pieces and take the responsibility on us to deal with her choices.  It's a tough feeling to work through, and one to not let consume my thoughts.  I hope something will come and fix it. 

Working in a retail-industry job sucks.  Especially this time of the year.  The hours are expanded and I chose to work an extra day to pay for Christmas gifts.  The manager chose to add hours to the store days because she's all about her bonus and needs to pat for her kid's preschool.  The employees also are trying to make their bonus, but seeing their skills, they won't.  Outside of one of them, the rest are at best mediocre salespeople.  

My relationship with all those involved with the store is now more just "I do my job, that's it".  They celebrate a big sale or big day, but I don't participate.  To be honest, whether or not they do well has no effect on my paycheck-I don't get a cut of the sales like they do-so why should I care?  

I have grown to despise the store, I can't stand to be in there anymore.  I want to get a better job where I feel I'm used more, and paid what I feel my experience and skills deserve.  I am only still there because the schedule allows me to help with my mom and the house during the week.  Had I not have the obligations to, I'd work harder to get a better position, or a better paying one at least.  

Its not all bad.  Sunday I received my purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  I was honestly surprised I was awarded it since I felt my skills aren't at that level.  Training has helped keep my head together, but at the same time I am distraced with everything and I didn't feel I progressed so much to be promoted.  It's a cool feeling, but a bit of anxiety and pressure.   Some may say I should shut up and enjoy the moment, which I did in that moment.  But like life after any other moment you have to start working for the next one.

Update on me.

I wanted to write this sooner, but something always came up.  So I am going to try to let you all know what's up.  I have been doing my thing and sadly ignoring or neglect people.  I really should stop that.

Most of my time and energy has revolved around my mom, who's back home.  She is still a ways a way from being close to "well", but since she's left the rehab place she's improved.  Her walking is ok, but she still needs special shoes and has a wound still healing on her foot.  The shoes she has doesn't allow her to step to her toes, and the shoes weigh quite a bit on top of it.  So her walking is interesting, but she does walk.  Usually she still is in a wheelchair and needs some help to stand but she's improved.

The last several weeks have tested my patience.  I'm thinking she'll fight harder, and disappointed she hasn't to the level I want.  It frustrates me, but I have to remember her age and what's she's been through.  The whole time I've realized that it's true that as you get older your parents become the child late in their lives and you have to take care of them like they took care of you early in your life. 

I am grateful my sister was able to take time off and not only tend to her, but the legal and medical stuff that comes along with illness.  I thank God she is able to do this.  I often fee like a shithead that I am not doing more. 

That's all I got. 

It's 10pm

I just got home.  Had to stay for 2 1/2 hours after work.  In rush hour the longest it takes me to get to work: 40 mins.  Tonight coming home I left at 8:30pm.  My "reward" for my extra work? Time and a half for 2.5 hours that equals $37.50.  Do the reverse math and see what I make an hour.  It's pathetic but I accepted this garbage because I chose to take this job.  Not for want but only thing there for me.

On top of this, yesterday I had to spend all day and $50 to do a BS annual class for my guard license.  It was so BS, I sat there with the same notes I took last year and all the notes put on the board was EXACTLY the same.  NOTHING WAS NEW.  It's a scam the state put in for exploiting people and take their money.   

I have to get out of this job.  I wish I could quit, but can't.  People tell me to stay positive, something better will come along, well my patience and positivity is wearing really thin, as is any facade I can put up to not look seething about everything going on. 

Mental dump, brightening up my dark place.

I have purposely not writing here for a bit because I've been in a dark place.  I've touched on what has been happening the past several months in my life, but I haven't really touched on how I feel about things.  Events the past week or so has made me think the best way to cope with some feelings is to just put them out somewhere, and also create content for this page.  I guess some consider me a "creative" guy with my writing, so let's see how this works.  It may not sound coherent or organized, and that's due to me just emptying my head of stuff and "sharing my feelings", which seems to either be in vogue or not happening enough, depending on who you speak.

Last week was another step to realization where I work is not for me.  I'm more of a corporate guy, and I realize that the retail world, if you aren't the guy running it, is sad. It's sad if you are a person over the age of 30 working as a sales person.  It says you either were too stupid to go to college, or too stupid to handle working a real job.  If you are over 25 at a retail job and not trying to get a managerial or a corporate role at the company or anywhere else, that's especially pathetic.  I work at a place full of pathetic, mentally weak, people.

One in particular stands out.  This person is a troll.  She's always negative, but also lives in her own world.  She's the person who thinks she's the real manager, and tries to use the real one like a cover to do what she wants.  When the real manager isn't around, she will try to bully others to do what she wants.  She's got a Napoleon complex, and hates when someone doesn't bend to her will, running to the real manager to say that person is uncooperative.  Her attitude is the type where most parts of her role is below her and everyone else should do it for her.  She's the one who tries to always hits the home run, but doesn't realize or is too stupid to realize that the singles or smaller hits are more important. This attitude shows since she is one of the lowest performing people of the group.  

What really gets me about this person is how much of an ungrateful immigrant she is.  She's the one type of immigrant I absolutely cannot stand.  She and her family came to the US from a war-torn area, was given the chance to skip the line and was given citizenship, and has nothing good to say about this country and its generosity.  There are people who try to get their legal paperwork to be a part of this country, fearful of being deported due to something administrative screwing up, waiting years for the process to be over, and this pig gets rushed to the front of the line.  The sense of entitlement is an insult to anyone who has fought to come to the country the right way, without the generosity of the US just giving them a spot.  I pray in the end she gets hers and ends up realizing her bitter, spoiled brat attitude has caused everyone she knows has left her, and it's her doing.

 This person is a cancer to any work place and has me debating leaving this job without another in place.  

This stuff is one of my many reasons for feeling frustrated and anger.  I feel anger a lot.  I feel anger for everyone who get to have freedom to enjoy their lives and fulfill their goals.  My goals are in the toilet because I am and have been shackled by my sense of responsibility to those I love.  I am angry at my mom.  I am angry because of her selfishness for several decades to not get the proper treatment for her Diabetes, thinking she can handle it herself.  She refused to go to a doctor for help.  She had a fear of them, but it's still stupid not to get the help she needed.  She grew-and we allowed her-to rely on myself and sister that we can help her out when she got into trouble.  She would be dead many years ago if my sister or I wasn't around.  Should we be more forceful to get her to get help sooner? Yeah.  So I am angry at myself about that.  I'm angry at my aunt who was a nurse who enabled my moms attitude and didn't help try to get her to get help, while having the audacity to try to get involved in family situations and made it worse.  Cleaning up her mess on top of my moms' is something I still hold against her.  

I'm angry at a lot of things that have derailed my dreams and plans, but I'm especially angry at myself.  I let this happen.  I've been the one holding the door for everyone else expecting a thanks or the same to happen.  I wasn't looking out for me, but for others.  This is what has landed me where I am.  I should have put myself above others.  I have a perfectionist attitude that had me try to do right for me and everyone else, but in the end everyone got theirs and I got nothing what I wanted.  

I need to be selfish, I need to be mean and nasty to get my goals and dreams achieved.  I need to be me.  I need to stop worrying about what others feel about me and those who try to suppress me when I want to do things my way.  The "hey, be yourself, but don't and be nice" people.  Those who can't seem to handle or understand my agenda is most likely right, and if you do things my way it will be ok.  These people are the ones who try to sabotage me and try to be condescending to me to make me feel retarded.   I need to stop asking and start saying what I want.  I shouldn't back up be stand my ground ready to either to kick some ass or get my ass kicked, and be ok with that.  

There, I feel better.  Also, this shows I'm an expert at many things.  Hell, this is cheaper than therapy.

My open challenge to you people who love to tell me to "Just get a new job".

It's no surprise I'm not happy at my job. I don't hide it.  I am getting tired of people and loved ones saying "just get a new job then" in a condescending tone, a tone that says to me they think I'm :

A. Retarded and don't know what I'm doing

B. Lazy

Well, to the loved ones and those who have told me this irritating line, I have a challenge for you.  Since apparently it's so easy to get a job in this economy-jobs are THROWN to people, here's my challenge to you.  I'll give you me resume and cover letter. And you have one week to get me a job offer where the job:

A. Has a minimum salary of $35,000

b. Isn't retail or security job.

Hey it's so simple these days right? I'm the retard who doesn't know what he's doing, right?   Well it's time to put up or shut the fuck up.  I'm busting my ass sending resumes out to anyone and everyone, and trying to talk to people on LinkedIn, which seems pointless but trying.  I'm trying not to fall for the scam job ads, trying all I can to better myself despite everything going on And everyone who is sabotaging me improving myself.  But it's SO EASY TO GET A NEW JOB!!!! Right guys and gals.  Then fucking prove it.  

 

The one failure I fixed this week

I pulled my car out of the garage this week and hit the right side mirror, breaking the mirror itself.  Luckily the housing and motor inside were fine aside from a few scratches on the housing.  The mirror glass was done.  Had to drive like that for the day, which was a really frightening thing to do.   

When I got home, I looked online for prices on the glass itself.  I didn't know if I could get just the glass or would I need the entire housing.  After a quick google search, found the glass mirror piece I was looking for via Amazon.  Luckily it was cheap, with shipping and taxes about $27.  I got upgraded shipping to get it sooner and maybe handled better.   

It arrived and had instructions.  I already looked at videos and read how to do it online, so I had a good idea what to do.  I got home from work last night, and since it was still somewhat light out I decided to swap the glass.  Overall it was easy, aside from some minor delays/complications but those were more me doing this the first time.  Everything is in and works, and now I can drive safely.

With all the failures and stress I've experienced the last couple weeks, it was good to get a little boost in my confidence, even if it was a microscopic one.

How my cover letter looks

When I am applying to a job online, I use this type of cover letter.  I am curious to get some feedback on it: 

Greetings,

Long story short, I am a hungry man who is working as a security guard right now to pay the bills.  I am looking for a new job where my skills are used, where I will not be bored, and where I am appreciated much more than just "a body" at the front door greeting people and watching out for people stealing.  My current job does not stimulate me, and I want to get back into a job where I am challenged.

What do I bring to the table?  My current job has me stationed in a boutique jewelry and fine silver store on Madison Avenue.  I am familiar with high-end products and the quality and value they have.  Before this job, my experiences took me through some interesting positions.  From each job, I gained a wealth of knowledge and skills that are perfect for this job.  Let me go through some of my main skills:

1. Communication-from talking on the phone, to electronic means, I know how to keep a professional demeanor and attitude when talking to someone.  Customer service was one of the main priorities in the Insurance industry.  From explaining to people why certain forms are not completed correctly, to calming down someone who is nervous about a letter the received and explaining to them what it means, to negotiation with medical providers or lawyers medical billing issues-sometimes in the tens of thousands of dollars- you need to keep professional and positive to make sure all the important Information and issues are communicated and eventually resolved as best they can.  

2. Organization-When one is put in charge of hundreds of case files, both newer and old, you have to be able to keep things neat and organized.  Not only in the files themselves but also in the work space you perform your duties.  Along with keeping a desk organized and neat, I was once a part of a group whose job was to make sure all office pantries and conference rooms were clean, tidy, and when outside catering was involved, properly set up and taken down.  A neat work space is an efficient work space.  I always make sure wherever I work, it's organized and clean in a way so I can accomplish my workflow as fast and complete as possible.

3. Sensitivity-When I am working with someone's personal data, I take great strides to make sure that the information is kept private and handled with the utmost respect.  These days with different frauds and identity theft, it is more important than ever to make sure sensitive and personal information is kept as secure as possible.  In my current work, I am sometimes trusted with sensitive information or products to ensure all is kept safe and only those who need to access it are allowed to.

I keep reading over your (insert Jon board/site name) ad, and I get more excited about it, and I would love to talk to you to get to know more about this position.  This position sounds like just the work I need to feel that hunger and stimulation I am craving for.

Thank you for your time reading this.

Being The Reliable One: A Blessing and a Curse

"Oh, you're so reliable" 

"I'm glad how you are the reliable one". 

I have heard that crap for so long.  It's nice to be recognized, but it feels like a back-handed compliment.  Sure you get kudos and the "atta boy!", which I admit makes me feel a little good and makes the BS I did worth it.  But in the end you rarely get moved up in rank or in pay, yet the others around you who are the "free spirits" do.

I'm wired to be the one who always shows up early (15-30 minutes before the agreed on time), I am the one who always does the job, I am the one who will help others out when needed.  Why? THATS WHAT I DO!!!  I've had this engrained in me since I was a child, and I can't change it.  It wouldn't feel right.

Look at your family, your job, your friends, and you'll see either you are one of the reliable ones or not.  The reliable ones are like me: get there on time, do what has to be done just because they do that.  The others are the ones that show up late, screw around, and are unpredictable when it comes to if they will show up next time or not.  What pisses me off is the others are the ones that get moved up or rewarded for their nonsense. 

Like I said earlier, I am the one who get to where I am supposed to go to (work, family/friend matter, etc.) 15-30 minutes early.  I want to make sure I am there on time, delays won't make me late, and surprises at where I am going can be fixed before the time of the event.  There are others who will show up late due to being unprepared or not caring about being on time, get overwhelmed with any unforeseen complexities or problems, and do at best a half-assed job.  To me, this crap is an insult to everyone else and shows lack of class.  But these are the people who "get ahead in life".

Another point that irritates me is that the other people will at the very last minute call out of work or an obligation they agreed to for no reason, leaving people like me with more work to do.  Or the other people will go away for a week on a vacation they planned two days before.  Again, screwing over the reliable people.  I would never do this crap just because I feel like it.  Any time I took a day off at work was always for some medical reason, family emergency, or a matter that had to be dealt with.  I think I only have taken one "mental health day" in my entire career.  I plan vacations weeks, even months ahead and tell my job when I am going, so they are ready and there's less headaches for me.  But again,  the lesser "other people" get ahead somehow.   

Are reliable people taken advantage of, absolutely.  Their assets are their greatest faults, myself included in this.  But the thing is that reliable people are usually assets needed, and could leverage it into more money or better positions, but usually they won't until they absolutely have to.  I know, I have and can say I probably in that position.  We can't screw others over and use our position of being the linchpin holding everything together.  Why?  It's not in us, it's not in our genes.  Many like me just aren't built to do that, as much as we want to.

Occasionally, you get rewarded, but it's more short term, almost just enough to keep you going type things.  It's almost never a raise or bonus.  That's for the screw ups in the other category.  

I envy the other people sometimes, where they don't care and somehow things work out.  I wish I could be as careless as them, but it's not in me.  What is in me is a focus to make sure what I need is done and help others when needed.   

THATS WHAT I DO

In short, being the reliable one in anything; blessing that it gets things done, a curse where you are always asked to do all the work and they know you will.  It's a habit that is almost impossible to break from. 

Thanks for for reading this  

I am an expert

I call myself an expert.  What am I an expert of?  Well, it doesn't matter what I am an expert of.  I know I am the foremost expert on the life of Peter Marus, and I write and publish about that subject, so therefore I am an expert. 

Today in the media, there are many "experts", many who spout off their "knowledge" on a subject in a somewhat cohesive and intelligent sounding manner.  Many of these experts are frauds who can sell themselves as something more than what they really are.  Many are the experts who have an alphabet soup of degrees and accomendations that sound like they know something.  Problem is that these types of experts are usually only experts behind the walls of academia, where they know theories, and can hide behind them to give them some credibility, but they have no clue how the "real world" works.  In the "real world", their supposed theories sometimes never pan out.

Experts are the rule setters, the policy makers, the ones who the ignorant, confused, or scared go to for advice.  Sometimes they do know what they are talking about.  Sometimes they have no clue.  What one has to do is step back and figure out how much truth is in this expert advice.  

Want to know how many "experts" there are, and how sound any advice is that they give?  Search on any subject, and look at the first page of articles that come up in your search engine.  I promise you that of the ten or so articles from "experts", eight contradict each other, one is native advertising posing as advice but pimping a product (another major problem in the search for truth) , and one is an article taking the advice from the first eight and rewriting it as a list of ideas.   It's frustrating and confusing to wade through.  It also shows that advice and expertise of one person may fit one situation, but it's not one size fits all.  

Look up resume and cover letter tips, you'll see this.  I have as I am trying to help improve my resume.  I almost am ready to give up and "wing it" on my resume!! 

So once again, I am an expert.  I should sell my expertise and make a buck off it.  Seems like everyone is these days!!!  Check out LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter for proof.

Parental struggles

The past two weeks, but it's been decades really, have been a struggle for me and my mom.  It's not a "I hate my mommy"-type, but in a deep way I do feel a little of it.  It's a struggle with her health.  

My mom recently fell and hurt herself really bad.  She suffered injuries that needed surgery.  She's still in the hospital getting better.  At first it looked straightforward: get her leg and arm fixed, go get rehab, and she'd be ok.  But something else came up: she needed surgery to repair blocked blood flow in her other leg.  This led to what first seemed like a stubbed toe to a bad infection, which will lead to her losing a toe.  She had the bypass procedure to fix the blood flow, and the other part is soon.  

All through this, I've had a ton of thoughts going through my head.  First obviously is my mom and her health, and she getting better.  Then came up in my head is money.  How much will insurance cover and what will have to be paid out by us.  I'm not too worried about that, but I make no money to help pay out anything if needed, and that bothers and worries me.  

Again, my faith came up.  I thought how twisted is God.  He had my mom break bones to end up in the hospital to find out this serious matter with her leg.  This goes to all the other times she's been put in bad situations to have a serious issue dealt with.  God works in mysterious ways indeed, though I question his doing.  It also makes me angry.  Why hurt her to get her better, with cancer and now this?  Is this all something to bring us back to the flock? Is this something to punish me or make me see something in not, or punish her for something?  You are told not to question God's work, but I am. 

Theological questions aside, I also see what's true to me now: when your parents get older, the roles of parent and child switch.  The child takes care of the parent as the parent took care of the child.  I've felt this for some time, but this time brings it more to light.  

Back to my anger:  I feel some to my mom.  She doesn't get help until it's critical.  She's only got her diabetes and blood pressure under control because she almost died from them.  She only found out about her cancer due to, again, she almost died from it.  She didn't get this leg thing treated until it was found out due to another thing happened.  She said she had a stubbed toe that wasn't healing and part of it was from this problem.  I don't believe her when she says she didn't feel anything bad with her leg before all this.  

She has a fear of doctors, and she lets it almost kill her, and my sister and I have had to pretty much save her life several times.  Every time this had to happen, I fear luck will run out and I would not have her around anymore.  And for all that I feel some anger to her.  There have been talks to her about it, and it did lead her to seeing a doctor,  but it gets to be same old, same old.  It pisses me off.  

I can't control her.  I can't just drag her to help, though I almost have had to literally.  I can't accept the lack of control.  I also feel bad feeling these things.  A child shouldn't have anger in their hearts for their parents, but I do have some.

But this shouldn't be about me, it should be about getting her better.  I will say one thing about me: it seems God doesn't want me to move forward.  Any time I start to make a move forward-job searching, moving forward with my girlfriend, something to better my life-God chooses to strike down my mom with something to bring things to a halt.  Maybe God wants me to stay as a shitty security guard, and live a life I feel is so beneath me.  

Again, this isn't about me, but about her.  At the end of all this, I want and need her better for me and my sister.  That's the most important thing.

What it's like being a security guard.

Those gut I'd vent and get out something that's been on my head for a while.

When you see the security guard in a store or a building, you probably don't think much of him.  You probably think he's some idiot and only there to give you a hard time.  Sometimes this is true, but sometimes there's a lot more going on with them.

I am a security guard at this moment.  I am not proud to say I am but the reality is that I am because I was desperate for a job and this opportunity is the only one that was available at the time.  I didn't have the luxury of trying to negotiate the best deal for myself.  Like many who are in this line of work, it's a take it or leave it situation.  I'm going to tell you a little about some of the people doing this work, that quite frankly are ashamed to have this job.

Most security falls into two categories: retail and corporate.  As much as there is differences to the job, there is some similarities.  Despite whatever your training says or what your bosses tell you to try to feel important, a security guard is a body there to be a player in the theater of security, a guard has no real "powers" beyond a citizen, and even those powers are limited further by the company you work for or the client, thanks to the wonderful litigious, sue happy society we live in.  Whatever you as a guard should be able to do, you are handcuffed and knocked down to being just a fulfillment of an insurance policy requirement.  

So for whatever you are assigned, you do nothing, and paid as much.  For all the hype of security and its importance, you may get slightly above minimum wage.  That's how much security is truly valued.  

A lot of security guards are people who are much more qualified to do a better line of work (college, even masters, degree earners who are stuck with this job due to the economy), and usually feel like the gifted student in a remedial class.  All through their shift thoughts are usually in their minds like "what the Hell am I doing here?" "Is this really the best I can do for a job?" "How am I making that payment with this salary? Do I pay it and starve until the next payday?" And other thoughts.  Granted you have the complete garbage who have this job because they have absolutely no skills to get into school for better options, and they accept it and don't care.  But most of the guards are just those who lost the jobs musical chairs.  

I mentioned the pay, but the funny thing is what you are expected to spend it on for this job-and get ZERO reimbursement for.  A lot of corporate and retail security jobs require you to wear a full suit, shirt, tie, and shoes.  You may have one already, but day in and day out you need to clean it at some point, so naturally you should get another suit as back up.  Ok, but with what money?  People doing this work are broke 5 mins after getting their pay because they have bills or expenses that are necessary to pay.  On top of this, you are usually required to keep your outfit in tip top condition.   Same goes to any uniform you may be issued.  If you want to get a new one, some places require you to let them inspect your current one to see if giving you a new one is warranted.  On top of your uniform, no matter what it is, you still need to put for your lunch and travel.  Again, not reimbursed by the employer, which is normal but puts a big dent in whatever pay.

So, during a shift where you are doing nothing, you'd think you would have time to think.  You do, but you run out of things to think about.  Then at the end of your shift, you are physically and mentally fried.  So whatever after-work activity you are doing is always a blur.  If you are "asked" to work later (usually required since if you don't you will be removed from that assignment), even more fatigue happens.  Sometimes you have to stay because the guard relieving you of your post decides to either not show up or shows up late for no reason.  You can't leave, and usually your supervisor won't help out, saying his hands are tied.  So whatever you want to do with your free time depends on the whims of the client.  Calling out is frowned upon, and could lead to you getting taken off an assignment.  

You aren't fired usually.  What happens is you aren't assigned anywhere and not paid.  This is done so the guard can't file for and get unemployment.  The filing is always contested and shown the guard wasn't terminated.  

"Why not get another job?" You ask.  Many are trying, but to do so, you almost have to quit the current job due to the scheduling that I feel is set up to keep people from looking and interviewing for work.  You'd have to take a day off, and maybe lose out on money (if you use up your sick days), and also hope your suit is presentable for any interview.  Also, when a guard is done with work, again most of the time they are mentally fried and don't want to deal with anything.  

That's the scariest part: sometimes you feel like you're in quicksand, and the harder you try to get out the deeper you get.  One other scary thing is once in a blue moon complacency set in, where you think it's not that bad.  I get rid of that right away.  Complacency is loser talk, and anyone who is happy or content in a job like this, with all the BS and the low Ptah truly is a loser.  I am not a loser.  I DONT WANT THIS FOR MY LIFE.  

Ok I'm done ranting.

Selfish day.

Wednesday I did something for the first time I have done in almost two years-took a day off for myself.  When I took a day off before, it's usually due to someone or something other than myself.  Usually is a medial reason or something I need to take care of for someone else.  I chose this time to just do something myself.  

Yesterday actually started the same time I would start if I was going to work.  I will say that when one doesn't have an obligation to take care of, starting the day is so much better.  Between 6-9 am, I was super productive.  Had breakfast, did my job search thing, and by 10 I got everything I planned on doing done.  That was a great feeling.  

After that I left the house and traveled around the area.  I decided to go to Jersey City to the mall there, just because.  After that went back into midtown and walked around looking at some spots I like to go to. Finally went home, watched soccer and played video games.  It was an awesome feeling.

After all this I concluded a couple things:

-My productivity goes hand in hand with my impatience.  I like to get work done as soon as possible, and the morning is the best time for it. Get it done when less people are around, and it gets done fast.

-Job sites are just a hive of spammers.  The amount of BS emails and calls for sales job I haven't approached as skyrocketed.

-The entire day felt like a Saturday.  I got what I wanted done in my time, didn't feel rushed, and didn't have my job somehow hovering above me.  I miss Saturdays, and my goal is to get a "regular" job where I have Saturdays again.

-My dissatisfaction with my job is more about how I am better than it, and my frustration with where I am has grown a lot.  I'm not bitching about the job, just more it was good for a bit, but it's not something I want to do anymore.  I don't want my job to be controlling where I almost have to beg to get time off.  I should be able to do my job without any interference from or because others not doing their job.  Lack of control of some of my life that way is maddening to me.

Can't sleep....gotta write

Been a bit hasn't it? 

ill start off with I should take a day off from work and have a "wacky day".  A day where I unwind.  For a while now I've been a bit too uptight, with the stresses on me.  I should take a day and just "shut off" the brain and just go do something stupid.   

Speaking of stress,  I'll repeat this: don't wish cancer on anyone, it's a shitty thing to watch someone battle, let alone have.  I've had to experience watching on the sidelines and it sometimes takes a lot out of me.  But a positive thing of it is it shows me how tough a person can be, and it's a toughness we should aspire to be.

What sucks about some situations I am in is the lack a control I have in them.  As someone who has been labeled a control freak, it's tough.  I need to work on focusing my time and energy on thing I am in control of and not sweat what I can't.  Believe me, that's one of the hardest things to say to myself: I'm not in control or can control everything in my life.

A couple weeks ao, my cousins put my late Aunt and Uncle's house up for sale.  It was sad to hear about, since I have a lot of memories in that place (I'm sure not as sad as my cousins having to do it),  I saw an online listing of it complete with pictures of the house, and a flood of good memories came back seeing each room in pictures.  Funny part is most of the house I either never saw, or haven't seen in almost 30 years.  It was still a nice trip down memory lane.  

My goal of having a new job comes up at the end of June.  It looks like a tough goal to reach, mostly due to me and mental blocks I'm feeling, but it's something I'm working to achieve.  I'm going to try a more proactive approach and take more advantage of LinkedIn.  Hopefully the job hunting mojo starts to build and I'll have a job that's more fitting of me, and one where I am not working for crumbs or feel so out of place. 

The mind of a person is infinitely stronger than the body.  I hope I can get my mind to feel and harness its power.  

Help and helping

Tonight wasn't a good time.  Made a call and thought I'd get the help I wanted and feel I've earned, if the talk that I was hearing was true.  Talk is cheap, and I foolishly forgot same talk wasn't backed up when someone, who said such talk, tried to set me up to fail due to lack of support in an issue.  Well, this person not only didn't help and potentially derailed plans, he tried to make me feel bad for his situation.  I've been amped up about it since and have been in the red all night.   

Help is something I don't take to.  Not sure if I mentioned it, but I got a lot of help as a kid, either out of love or pity for my afflictions.  At the stage I was and am at, I have a hard time telling what's what.  When I was a kid, any accomplishment I did always had a level of hollowness or cheapness because I got some help.  Maybe the help did make it happen, maybe it was just a minor thing, but a lot of the times the happiness I felt went to feelings of doubt and questioning did I REALLY "make it".   

This feeling is sometimes why I come off how I do.  I feel I need to do everything myself, and any help would lessen what I accomplish.  I see now some situations where I was on the other side and tried to help and didn't have it accepted and it pissed me off.  I should have "gotten it" how people feel when I don't accept their help.  Today I'm a little better at accepting some help, but my controlling nature of me still clashes with it.  

Whenever I was out of work, I accepted no help.  I wanted to find MY job, and not feel like I "owe" someone or have someone hold the fact they got me the job over me. 

I like BJJ a lot because, although others help, in a rolling session or tournament fight, it's just me and I have to make things happen for me to succeed.  Working to learn more and earn knowledge and higher rankings are all on me to do.  Get out what you put in type of stuff.  It's sort of what mentality I have in a lot of things.

irony: I like helping others!  I like making others better at something I know about.  It helps all in the end.  I feel the more experienced have an obligation to help the less experienced.  It's so stupid how I don't accept help of the more experienced in my life, but also a hard habit to break for me. 

To those who try to help and I don't take your advice: I'm sorry.  I try to change, and it's a cycle I have a hard time to break.

Ha, I need help accepting other's help!!!  But I'll help others.....

My Best Buy experience

Best Buy deserves whatever horrible death its trying to fend off. 

The last time I shopped there, this past Monday, has made me finally swear off their dumpster fire of a store.  I went to the one on Queens Blvd. and like the others I've been to around NYC, it's a disorganized train wreck.  Their attempt to have little "company kiosk" stores haven't helped.  I only went in there because I had a gift card from Best Buy.  I was looking for one thing, a GoPro LCD screen, and after walking around the horribly laid out store, found where GoPros are "displayed".  It's nothing more than one video on a screen of the display, and no products out.  It's actually in a locked cabinet but no notice of needing to find an employee to help.  Good work there.  

A note wouldn't help because Best Buy employees are nowhere.  There are many of employees manning the mini stores of various brands, and they won't help with any other products (I think they are actually employed by the company they are representing-but seems like a prison sentence for those poor guys), but almost no Best Buy people.  After being ignored after asking one woman I found, I got fed up and left.  

To be fair, their online store was fine, got what I wanted and ordered with gift card easily.   

This is a trend with most large stores.  They almost gave up, and are just there to be showrooms for Amazon.  They deserve their fate.  

As much as I try to support local and buy in actual stores, places like Best Buy don't deserve my in store money. 

La Guerra Fria

This week was the anniversary of the trip I took with the North Jersey Brigade to Columbus Ohio for the US-Mexico Wold Cup Qualifier.  I remember this was I  believe one of my last trips I took to see a soccer game outside the NYC area.  This was close to where I stopped going to games regularly, due to burnout and some issues I had with come individuals.  The trip itself was long, and I remember I stayed sober for the most part, but everyone else wasn't.  That cause some friction and I got some heat from those in the bus.  My thing was; you're on a bus for hours, getting stupid and dangerously drunk doesn't sound like a smart thing to do in close quarters.  So things were said, people got in between others, but nothing major happened.

The game itself was interesting.  Columbus Ohio was chosen for this game due to the cold weather, and the fact that more US fans would be there than Mexicans (which wasn't totally true this game, there was a good number of Mexican fans).  These factors was to give the US an home field advantage, and an answer to what Mexico does: play in Mexico City, with it's heat, smog, and elevation.  Tit for tat stuff.

That night was a night for the good guys.  The US won 2-0 and started their last round of World Cup Qualifiers on a positive note.  The stadium used, which is the first soccer-specific stadium built in the US, was small but intimate.  It's a bit obsolete by today's standards, but I like the place.  It's simple, and when full it's an awesome atmosphere.  I remember getting to the stadium, and despite the whole thing about the drunks on the bus, it was a good time.  Lots of the US supporter groups were there.  One thing that I remember is as the night went on, the winds, rain, and dampness rose while the temperature dropped.  After the game, I was so cold and wet, I was really worried for myself.  It was an intense feeling.  The bus got to the hotel, I got my room key, and instead of partying I went to my room to try to get warm.  It sucked.  The next morning, we got on the bus and headed home.  More sober and upbeat trip home.  

Seeing the video of the highlights of the game, it brought all the memories back.  It made me sort of miss the soccer scene, but I remembered why I "got out".  Burnout and my personal issues with some came to a head and I stopped going, but I still sign up as a member of at leas one of the supporter clubs each year.  I was thinking what is stopping me from going back, though I did go a couple times but felt as an outsider, and I figured out a couple things:

Saturdays off:  I work Saturdays, so I need to get a job where I am not 

Resolve my personal issues: this is tough, I did burned bridges with some, but I should try to make amends.  I have tried, but they chose not to reciprocate (sort of don't blame them, but I feel somewhat hypocritical that they always claimed to be "the better men" and wouldn't at least communicate back) 

SO who knows what's going to happen.  OK enough reminiscing 

New Japan Pro Wrestling

Like many, I ordered New Japan Pro Wrestling's "Wrestle Kingdom" PPV, which was the first time it was shown in the US and had English broadcasters calling it.  I was impressed and amazed at the style and presentation.  I've always wanted to watch more Japanese wrestling because of how much of a "real" feeling it had.  It's still pre-determined outcomes and moves, but it has a MMA "big fight feel.  The philosophy of Japanese wrestling is that stories are told in the ring during matches.  They don't have elaborate stories behind their feuds.  Usually it's "I think I'm better than you, and I'll prove it by beating you", or "I want the title you hold."  Simple stuff, but effective.  Much more than the Soap Opera-esque style of the WWE or TNA Wrestilng.   The matches themselves have an old school feel with the pacing and build up to the climax.  All well done.  

After the PPV, I explored more ways to watch NJPW.  They have a streaming service like the WWE Network, where they stream new events live, but also have an archive of their past events.  After a little research, I signed up easily for their service (Google chrome with translate helped a lot).  I've been catching up on a lot of the recent events, and have looked at some past matches with some of the greats.  NJPW is set up where there are tournaments and events during the year, with breaks in between each, to set up their stories.  One of the biggest event is their several day tournament called the G1 Climax.  It' takes their best stars, have them compete in two groups and the group winners meet to determine who gets the next shot at the champ, assuming the champ didn't win.  There's a tag team equivalent to this event as well.  I am looking forward to catching up on last year's events.  

BTW, the cost of the service is 999 yen a month, which is about $8.50 US.  Awesome deal.  

Look up the following which I've seen so far and I recommend on You tube (outside of NJPW in general):

Tanahashi vs. Okada

Shinske Nakamura and his matches

Bullet Club (group of Americans who are paroding the NWO/DX factions but are really popular and enjoyable).

One big lesson learned

For the past several months, I've been helping my mom out on Mondays taking her to treatments for her cancer issues.  Recently the treatments have been increased with radiation, and now weekly visits to get chemo in some form or another.  Seeing what she is going through there are a couple things I've realized:

1. Fuck cancer

2. My mom is amazingly strong, much so more than me

3. Seeing what the treatment firsthand, which ironicly almost hurts as much as it helps, one shouldn't wish cancer on anyone

I sit there next to her after getting errands done, and I look at what the treatments do to her, and the other patients in the treatment room, and it hurts seeing what one goes through to beat cancer.  Thank god the nurses and assistants, who are angels, there try to comfort these people in their time of need.  It's really tough to witness and one feels helpless.

It angers me at the same time thinking how people will take advantage of people in this situation.  From stealing money from these people, or using these people's situation as a cover for their dirty deeds, there are true scum out there.  It angers me that this world has these types of people.  In the end I guess these people will get theirs in the end, but I hate the fact scum like this even exist.  

I've learned never to wish cancer on anyone anymore.  It's a sentence on someone and their families that is really a lot to have on someone, and to wish it on someone would be not cool.  Especially in life, what you say or do to others will happen to you, so you better be ready to be able to handle it. Can you handle cancer if you wish it one someone?

Late night thoughts

I apologize if this seems rambling, but this is going to be more of a stream of consciences.  It's an excuse for me to try to figure out what is next.  By what's next is what's my next career move.  It's complicated, at least to me, to figure out.

Right  now, I work in what would be considered a  "shit job."  It's not so much a bad job, but to be honest it's a job that I am way too qualified for.  Despite this job is "beneath my level", I still do my damn best at it.  I was taught that no matter how bad or dumb of a job is, do the best work you can.  So I go to work everyday, even get to work early, and just do what I do to the fullest.  The work I put in and have invested as far as suits and accessories to look the part is more than the payoff.  The money I make at this job has me in a bind, but it's money I need.  I can say that I never have taken a day off "just because".  It was always for something serious.  I don't take days off because first I don't believe in it really, but also simply if I don't work, I don't get paid.  Losing 20% of your pay makes you think if taking a day off for something is worth the loss.  Granted, this means one would have to work despite not being your best, but in the end it's all about the money for me.

Its about the money because I don't get satisfaction out of the job.  I come home and need at least an hour to get out of the mood the job puts me in.  What happens is that's an hour I lose from my personal life, and any enjoyment I have at home or with my girlfriend.  By the time I'm "fine", it's time to get ready for bed.  My free time is empty and not productive.  The problem is that it becomes a cycle, and for months I'm trying not to fall into it. My biggest worry is not falling into a cycle is getting comfortable in it.  That's one of my biggest fears. 

So naturally my next move is to look for new work.  Sounds simple, but it isn't.  First is figuring out what I want to do.  To be honest, his is a mental block to me and one of conflicting thoughts.  I would like a regular Monday to Friday schedule, but my mom has been going through some stuff where I am needed on the Mondays I have off. I take her to her appointments and then due to errands.  If I am not there for that, it leads to others who already shoulder enough responsibility to carry more.  That's something I'm not comfortable doing.  I need to do my part.  

One other her big thing is my resume and cover letters.  I think I have a writers block where nothing I write is worth a damn.  I have written tons of resumes and cover letters, but there is always something that isn't good enough.  At this point I look at my work history and I feel like I'm trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.  At some point I should just have a "fuck it, send it" attitude,  but my pride in my work comes in and it has to be as perfect I can do it.  

I would like a job where I'm not standing the whole time.  I would like my Saturday's back.  But seeing what get changed if I go for it makes me hesitant.  Again, I'm petrified of the prospect of me getting comfortable in this "groove", so it should motivate me to look elsewhere, but is it worth it to let others down that I can't live up to my end of the deal to help out my mom.

as I said before, the job now sucks, but better than many other ones I could be doing.  The people I work for and with are cool, but to be honest I'm better than them and the job.  The frustration of wher I am and wher I should be is building, especially seeing that some who are clearly less qualified as me or less ambitious angers me more.   

Who knows what I should do, I'm stumped

Xbox, THe Holidays, Reflections

First, I hope all had a happy holiday season.  Overall mine was a positive one.  Most of it was good, but there were times that were absolute buzzkills.  There was one part of Christmas that just really had me in a mood, which unfortunately stayed with me for the rest of the day.  What had my mood how it became was just being in a situation that was fun and nice and one thing arriving into the situation that changed it into a situation where you felt the stress and tension in the room.  It was one of those situations that you should get out of as soon as possible, and as much as I tried to get out, I couldn't until I started to feel the negativity.  That led to me realizing how much BS and hypocrisy there was right in front of me, and just set a tone for the rest of the day.  New Years at least was nicer,  I'm not one big on celebrating the New Year holiday, but what I did was enjoyable. 

I traded in my Sony PS$ for a Microsoft Xbox One.  Nothing more that my friends all have that now, and if I wanted to play online with them it would be on that.  Got a good trade in deal for the PS4, so out of pocket wasn't that much.  Anyone what to hit me up on the Xbox, gamertag is PSUDude66

Now the Holidays are done and things are getting back to a somewhat normal deal, I am going to refocus on looking for a better job, and even ask about a raise at my current one.  I say somewhat normal because I still have some family issues to deal with and work on (fuck cancer, btw), and as normal as it's been given the situation, it's changing as well.  This situation is a moving target, and it is frustrating, I have to be honest, but I have to also try not to show how frustrating it is.  That wouldn't be a good, positive thing that is needed at this time.