How am I doing?

Let’s see, Overall I feel fine physically, but I wanted to list what’s been going on through all this time:

My health has been overall good.  Doctor is happy where I am with my Diabetes.  I also got one of those CGM gimmicks to check my blood glucose with my phone.  It’s been helpful to see how my body reacts to different foods and how fast those levels go up or down after I eat or go for a long walk.

That’s my physical health.  Mentally, It’s meh.  I feel sad and low more than I should.  I don’t talk to anyone and that’s partly my fault.  I haven’t texted any friends in a long time.  I want to, but I don’t.  My job is there, but I want to not do it anymore.  It was cool for a bit, but I need something better.  I feel like I deserve something better, despite my feeling sometimes I am the slow, dim-witted person people seem to treat me as (I feel they do).  Call me sensitive or whatever, but I feel like everyone still sees me as the blind kid who after that had to deal with being crippled for years, and I have dealt with feeling that as much as my parents loved me, they were too protective and sheltering.

I often do feel like I’m insecure about where my place is and my worth to everyone.  That manifests as me being a bit prickly, and it’s usually at an inappropriate time.  I annoy people with it, but at the same time I feel like if I am honest with people about how I’m feeling, people get annoyed and just blow it off, telling me to just “get over it”, or “ You had it good your life, stop complaining.”  Pain is pain, and if you are the type to belittle someone’s pain it’s probably because you are overreacting to your issues and don’t like “competition”.  Or you have a ton of unaddressed things you are too scared to face and someone sharing theirs triggers you.

My thoughts get out of control, which doesn’t help matters.  I’m trying an exercise now to be “creative” for an hour, where I can wring my brain out of any thoughts.  This post is an attempt to do that.  I also am trying to look and learn different exercises to stop my mental runaways and how to boost my confidence.   I feel like I am on eggshells all the time, especially when it comes to handling my daughter.  it feels like I am being judged and graded on every aspect of how I speak or even look at her.   It gets frustrating sometimes and makes my anxiety jump up.  I can’t tell you how many times I feel the “Fight or flight” trigger is being danced on everyday.  It’s not fair to my wife, daughter, and myself and I figuring out how to stop it.

One of the biggest problems I feel myself and my family have is that we almost never get away from each other outside of work hours.  More often than not e are around each other and almost literally on top of each other.  I”m not saying divorce or anything, but the only time I get out without it involving my wife or daughter is usually to work or a doctor’s appointment.  Errands usually involve them at some level.  My wife is the same.  We both don’t see friends on a social level.  We don’t hang out or even talk to others often.  I don’t think that’s a good thing.

The one thing I had that got me out of the house was Jiu Jitsu.  I miss it immensely.  I miss grinding and sweating in the gym, just having fun and learning new moves and situations.  It’s been almost a year since I stopped, and I miss it.  When I go back, I will probably not feel like a brown belt again, which will suck for a while.  I still think I can do all the things I used to do, just have to get my body back into shape.  But for now it has to wait still.  I miss the guys, but family is more important.

SO let me show you what my day is;

5am I wake up and get ready for work.  I also make sure my daughter’s bag is packed and my wife is up at 6:30

6:45 leave to work

9:45 home on break and that usually means breakfast/lunch and any errands that need to be ran or house stuff to get done

1pm back to work

3:45 get home, change, and go pick up daughter

4:45-5pm return home to make dinner

6-6:30 have dinner

7:30 start to put daughter to bed with wife

8:15-8:30 daughter asleep

10:30 go to bed

As you see, that’s my life now.  It is what it is and it’s just how things are.

What’s in the Bag?

“It’s packed for next time…”

This is a picture of my BJJ bag. It has been sitting here as is for months.  The only thing I did was take out the toiletries.  I haven’t unpacked it because part of me had the “keep it ready” idea for a while, since I was still somewhat thinking I’ll be going back soon.  Over time when I realize that’s not the reality due to several reasons, I haven’t wanted to unpack it because it will be a little sad to.

I have memories when I see the bag: all the belt promotions, the fun times at training, and everything in between.  Unpacking it would, to me, would be saying it’s over.  I’m not ready for that and I don’t want it to be.  That bag gives me hope I will go back and finish the job.  Where I go is irrelevant, but I intend on getting a black belt.  I’ve worked so hard and I get a lot of joy from BJJ, and I’m not ready to leave that completely.

So it will sit there, giving me hope.

Thank You Clockwork Jiu Jitsu

This is a weird entry to write.  I have not gone to a BJJ class for months.  It’s not due to injury but I had to stop because of life.

I have a lot change in the past 18 months. Through the whole process I have tried to keep going to train.  For a bit it kind of worked.  I kept saying it was fine, but to be honest it wasn’t. When my daughter started school and I was the one picking her up,  I would have to leave class early to shower and take the train back in time to pick up my kid from school.  Travel to and from school was about 40 mins to an hour.  So the noon class I would barely get to stay 40 minutes for.  I kept saying to myself it was fine and I am happy to get any training in, but I left feeling so dissatisfied.

Eventually my new job made me go to the night classes.  Again, I kept telling myself it was fine.  It kind of was, but one night I realized everyone who trained when I started at Clockwork was not there.  Either they left by choice or not, or many move to the morning class which was my favorite class.  There were a couple guys still there, but I felt like an outsider amongst these young, out of college kids who spent their free time at the school.  They were ex athletes in college and I did not relate or click with any I spoke to.

I honestly felt like an outsider for some time.  I didn’t have the time to hang out at the school and train almost everyday.  I would have loved to contributed more to the school, but either my schedule or just the lack of opportunity given to me caused that to never to happen.  I think it didn’t help that I didn’t start my BJJ training there.  I wasn’t an original.  I think I could have offered more to students there even doing privates, but that never happened.

At some point my life got to where I almost had to fight to go one or two times a week, which really felt more like a drag to do.  Again, the commute and class meant I spent several hours away and I know that bothered my daughter.

Going almost an hour to somewhere that I get only some satisfaction out of doing something I actually love and have to travel an hour home just didn’t appeal to me.  Even when I was in class training I just couldn’t shake this feeing of dissatisfaction. Sometimes I would be paired up with a new guy, and I felt like I was teaching more than training.  I was paying a lot of money to train and learn, not teach the new guy while his inexperience almost gets me injured.  I also mentally was always thinking of something else going on either at home or at work.

What finally led me to end my membership at Clockwork was when I realized with my wife having her career blowing up and her job demanding more of her time and I had my jobs and my daughter had her things going on, I couldn’t schedule time to go work out.  Weekend classes wouldn’t work since I had family commitments and responsibilities.

If I sound mad or bitter, I’m not.  I know that the situation is simply something that happens.  It’s like being at a job and trying to get into a good spot, but that never happened and your life events  has you reevaluate your balance of “work/life”.  Plus you’ve been there so long and you see everything seems the same but it’s gradually changed over time, it’s a shocking and sad realization.

Me leaving Clockwork is a better situation than the school I left before.  No one at Clockwork lied to me, put me in a position where I had to step up and be a leader under pseudo-illegal practices or the classes wouldn’t have happened.  No one at Clockwork had tried to throw me under a bus when someone got found out for claiming to teach classes but never did (I did and I did a damn good job running a class of upper belts at FUCKING BLUE BELT) like at my old school.  Clockwork didn’t try to fuck me over because the school owner was having a fit over people who owned the place the school was in asked for the rent they were due which is why my old school moved ever two years.

Clockwork BJJ was honest with me, and treated me with a level of respect.  Josh, Kyle, Juan, and every single person I learned under and trains with made me a better person on and off the mat.  I thank them all and everyone reading this who trained with me.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!!  I wish I started my BJJ trip with you.  When I came into the school, I was welcomed, and the transition to Clockwork was pretty easy despite me feeling I had to prove I wasn’t a fraud purple belt.  Do I wish things were different? Yes, but shit happens for a reason.  Hopefully that reason will show itself.  I wish I could have gotten to the summit there, but looks like it isn’t in the cards.

So, what’s next?  Fuck if I know!  I want to finish the job and get my black belt.  Right now I’m waiting to see where things fall that seem to be up in the air.  Part of the issue is situations seem to change around me every three months in some form or another.  Hopefully things settle down soon. I want to continue, since this is the only exercise that excites me.  I can’t just go to a regular gym.  I’m not a fucking hamster and doing weight training as a primary form of exercise seems like something more for simpletons.  I want combat, which stimulates and strengthens my physical body as well as works out my mind.  I know some schools pretty close to me, so maybe I’ll look into them.  But right now my head is focused on other things.

Colonoscopy experience

I had a lot go on in life.  Traveled a bit, started work at a city job with benefits and unionized.  I also had a couple major moments and I’m going to to write about it now.

I didn’t have a health scare, more of a health concern.  I go to get my blood tested by my doctor every 3 months to keep tabs on my diabetes and also make sure everything is on the up and up.  I go to see the doctor as usual and he says my last test said I was anemic.  That wasn’t something I expected to hear!  I wasn’t bleeding from anywhere, but my doc said it could be coming out in my poop.  He had me get another blood work done and said since I was close to 45, I should get a colonoscopy just to be safe.

Ugh, not something I’m looking forward to.  I had my reservations but I am lucky I found a  specialist that made sure I was calm and good to get it done.  After making the appointment to have it done, I did my research on the process.  I also got the instructions to prepare.  It involved fasting for a day and a half and taking some laxative solution to clear out the system-which could have been done on me by having a couple iced coffees!

The day before my colonoscopy was time to drink this crap while having fasted for a day and a half.  I was grumpy to say the least.  To be honest, it didn’t taste as bad as many put it, but it’s not a drink I’d crave.  Once I got it down, it was party time!  After a few rounds on the bowl and I was pretty much cleared out.  Next time I have to do this I may do the Miralax and Gatorade which apparently works better (Google it people).

The day of the procedure started with me still grumpy but excited to get it over with.  I show up and I’m taken to the prep area.  I’m ready to go and I was given the same stuff that killed Prince and Michael Jackson to knock me out.  I woke up about 5 minutes before the doctor was done.  I was still loopy and sedated it was not an upsetting sight.  They get done and let me recover.  I get dressed and wait for the doctor to tell me what he saw.  Result was 2 polyps and they were taken out.  A week later the biopsy on them, which found them both to be non cancerous.  Doc said with my results and my family history I should get another colonoscopy done in 5 years.

I feel happy I got it done.  I hope everyone reading this gets one to make sure you don’t get cancer.  Colon cancer is deadly when found too late. Odds go down of Getting cancer when polyps are found and removed.

Please take your health seriously before it’s too late.

AH, another long ass time from writing.  I suck at getting around to it.  I have the ideas but don’t put them down.  I need to make myself better for that.  

So what’s been going on?  I accomplished something I am proud of: I drove to and from Florida with my family and neither the car nor the marriage fell apart.  It was a two-day trip both ways, and for the most part, the drive is a grind.  The worst states to drive through to me were the Carolinas.  First, the road is straight and has no turns, with nothing but trees lining the road.  It was a long, boring drive.  I especially have a problem with South Carolina because the traffic sucked-it was doing the accordion style of everyone bunching up and then speeding up.  Traffic would get so slow, I expected to see something on fire or covered with a sheet on the side of the road.  But neither thing happened.  My other issue is that I got a chip in my windshield driving through there, which made me mad.  

The good things about the trip were getting to eat at Cracker Barrels, rising South of the Border, and spending time with family we haven’t seen in about three years.  My daughter had a lot of fun seeing her cousin and enjoying Florida.  We all enjoyed Florida.  We didn’t fight, I didn’t lose my temper (almost did a couple of times, but didn’t), and we were in a better mood.  

When we came home, I felt sad.  The house is dark, so I should try to brighten it up with more lights. I just miss the feeling I had in Florida.  Everyone wasn’t on top of each other, unlike here in NY.  The houses are more modern, unlike the 100+year old one I’m in now.  I just think maybe it’s time for a change.  

I continue to try to change myself for the better.  I am trying to find better work, preferably remote work.  I am not getting younger and need to start making some moves.  

The one thing Jiu Jitsu has taught me that I kick myself for not knowing sooner, and I just learned this.

Ever since I was promoted in BJJ, I realized something that has changed my game and outlook.  I started not giving a shit about winning or losing.  I used to think that at a certain level, I have to beat anyone lower ranked.  It stifled me on the mats and off it as well in life in general.  I was so focused on proving I was worth my spot, and that I was “better” than most of those things I faced.  Since I returned to training, I knew there are a lot of people at Clockwork that are faster, stronger, younger, more flexible, and just more athletic than I am (but obviously not as good-looking).  So I worked hard to try to beat those facts.

I’ve been a fan of former Navy SEAL and speaker/businessman Jocko WIllink.  I loved the books I read of his, and I enjoy reading and hearing his interviews.  One thing his books have pointed out is the idea of “Good” if something bad happens.  Didn’t get the job? Good, go out and get hired somewhere you are wanted.  Lost that contract you were working for? Good, make yourself even more valuable to get an even better one.  And so n and so forth.  He also believes that you prepare and fight to the end, but if things don’t go your way move on to the next thing armed with the knowledge of what worked and what didn’t.

How does that apply to my hobby, you say? Simple: I don’t give a shit if I win or lose a round.  I don’t care if the second-week white belt submits me, since I may have been trying to do something new and screwed it up.  I don’t care if I get the blackbelt in a takedown, hey I know I can get that to work.  I just go to training, have fun, and not focus on winning, but on exploring what I can do in different situations.  Use the Rolodex in my head of all the knowledge I have accumulated over the years.  The other week the coach who runs the morning sessions noticed how I have changed in how I roll and said “I don’t know if it’s the belt of the weight loss, but you are being more daring and your game has changed.  I don’t know what brain juice you are drinking but you’re not just going through steps but moving much more freely.”

The best way I can say how I approach training now is how great hitters like Manny Ramirez looked at hitting: they went up to the plate, whatever happened and then the at-bat is over.  Move on to the next one and not dwell on the last one.  Though, I haven’t screamed out “¡COÑO!” Or “¡MAMAHUEVO!” When I have gotten stuffed or swept yet…The Dominicans reading this got a laugh.

Speaking of Manny and his choice to react to getting robbed of a home run:

https://youtu.be/fn03iGtITNs

In life, I am trying to apply this, where it’s not important all the time to win, but it’s nice too.  If you don’t there’s something else to move on to with some knowledge.  I have a lot of knowledge to move on in life, and try to be better.  This way of doing things has started to stop having me so laser-focused and looking around with a wider lens.  I’m seeing more options on many things and I”m trying to be bolder and daring with what I do, since even failing has something to gain from it.

Side note: I would love to get more involved in the BJJ community, and thought of trying my hand a teaching outside of helping white belts and new guys in class.  I have to see what the protocol is at my school about it, I don’t want to go rogue, and piss anyone off.

Notary business is started, and I’m tackling LinkedIn sending notes to anyone and everyone I can think of to get any bites.  Again, putting myself out there and learning.

Notary Services

-I offer mobile notary services

-How it works:

1. You call/email/text me

2. If I am available we arrange a meeting time, and location and I explain the fee.

3. We meet, I record your information and details of notarization (you must have a photo ID to show at the time of service), I perform notary service and you pay.

-I will travel to Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, and Nassau county

-Price depends on travel and the number and complexity of notarization

-At the moment, I am available Monday through Friday 10 am-7 pm.

-Payments accepted in cash, PayPal, Venmo, Cash App, Zelle.

-please contact me at pjmnotaries@gmail.com or call/text (929) 525-2599.  Texting gives the fastest response.

little update

So what’s going on?

Health update: I”m alive.  Actually, I’m doing fantastic.  My diabetes is under control and my blood glucose numbers are within the normal range.  The medication hasn’t adversely affected me and it’s helped me lose almost 30 pounds.  Before I went to the hospital I was about 235ish pounds.  As of today, 8/11/2022, I weighed 207.  I feel great and lighter.  My doctors are happy overall with where I am.  I still need to get an ultrasound so my one doctor can see how my kidneys and bladder look, but it’s not something they are too worried about it.  

Another big deal for me is that I was promoted to brown belt in BJJ.  That puts me just below the black belt, which feels weird.  When I started doing Jiu-Jitsu, the idea of getting a black belt seems so distant, even getting promoted to the next level-blue belt-seemed like a steep mountain.  Now, getting my black belt is close, but close as to be close to the top of Mt. Everest, where that last bit is pretty steep.  I am proud of myself that it happened, and the sport has changed my life in so many ways, physically and mentally.  I wish I found it years earlier.  

Now, I have some interesting news.  I have been a notary public for some time, but haven’t utilized it.  Now I”m going to try.  I’m going to start doing some mobile notary work. I have been slowly setting up my business, from getting cards and domain names to figuring out fees to charge and getting my obligations in order.  I  have to finish making a simple site that will probably be on my site (but accessible from another domain name), but I think that’s the biggest thing left to complete.

Montauk

Spent last week in Montauk with my wife and daughter we got to walk around, hang on the beach, put my nuts in the ice bath that is the Atlantic Ocean, and just enjoyed a week with my family.

Then came Friday….

Friday morning we went to get breakfast, and at the end of the meal I felt something in my solar plexus. I thought it was gas, so I went to the pharmacy and got some stuff to try to clear it up. A couple of hours later it’s getting worse so I walked to what I thought was an urgent care facility. It wasn’t but when I pointed near my chest they quickly triaged the matter. Eventually, they said it’s probably best you go to the hospital. The catch is the hospital is an hour away, our check-out is at 11 the next day, and my wife doesn’t drive. When my wife showed up I decided to go to the hospital.

At this point, my anxiety is through the roof. The awesome EMT treated this as a real heart issue. He gave me an aspirin and nitroglycerin. Nitro opened everything up and helped with the pressure a little, but also dropped my heart rate to 50. I sure was calm, but still thinking of my family. It’s a tough thing to watch as you are driven off and your wife and daughter aren’t with you.

At the hospital, the ER staff took some EKG and blood. They also gave me anti-nausea meds since I threw up in the room at one point. The EKG and monitors got me annoyed because everyone had to have their sticker on me. I got a free wax job, but it hurt like hell.

The doctor came in and said, “your heart is fine so far, we have to check blood and EKGs a couple more times to be sure, but did you know you are diabetic?” I was thinking I was for a bit and planned on getting physical in the next couple of weeks. So she also said that it may be a GI problem, which was later proven to be gallstones, but not bad to do surgery.

The diabetes diagnosis didn’t bother me, I know a lot about it from my mom having it (granted some of the info is a bit dodgy, but research has helped with the debunking). I just need to dissolute myself to check and take what I need to for it to work.

Eventually, I’m put in a room for the night. Hospitals hate patients sleeping between the periodical vitals checks and their knack of knowing you find a way to sleep, they come in and out the IV or a monitor on you so you can’t sleep. At one point I got taken to get an ultrasound, where I did fall asleep for a moment. The tech laughed which woke me up.

The whole time I was worried about what was going to happen with my wife and daughter. Yes, you shouldn’t worry about things you can’t control, but it’s still my wife and kid. Are they going to be thrown to the street and the car towed? Are they going to be able to find a place on a Saturday if I need to be in longer? Well, the reality is they had a grand time, got the car packed and we made plans for people to come to pick them up to go home and leave the car at the hospital.

The next morning I was told the results of the ultrasound, and then told I’m getting out after the nutritional and diabetic people talk to me. Both were there fairly quick and said I can go home with a prescription to handle my blood sugar, but get to a doctor soon to help keep this going.

So, looking like a lunatic who got out of an asylum and probably not smelling great, I got to Montauk and we drove home. The hotel was cool to let the car stay and held my keys for my cousins to drive the car, but that wasn’t needed. Just the people in the hospital, the doctor's office, and everyone involved was amazingly helpful. I feel I was very lucky.

So now, once I get over the fear of anything I eat will be a problem, I will be excited to tackle this like my sleep apnea. I love technology and data, I already have a glucose meter I can use with my phone, and I want to learn as much as I can. My wife is also looking forward to the overall benefits for everyone in the house. My daughter…well she will have to adapt to different max and cheese now! I also am wondering what weight loss I’ll get out of this, which is one thing I wanted to do more.

The lesson is: get check out before it’s too late. I am haunted by the memory of finding my dad with chest pains and he didn’t want me to call 911 since he had his nitro. He didn’t want to miss work the next day due to the bus company he worked for was becoming MTA. I am haunted by finding my mom in a mess due to her blood sugar being out of whack. I am haunted by the intervention my sister and I had with her to get her shit together and see a doctor. Don’t have things like that in your mind and don’t do that to your loved ones.

Thanks for reading.

Texas

With all the news this past couple of weeks, I hope it cements one fact. Texans are all talk, and any of the so-called tough guys really prove that of the two things Texas is known for, the cops that sat outside the school to allow children to be killed are clearly not steers.

When that horrible shooting happened, the amount of ineptitude by the cops is sickening. These stupid cops (not shocking since the Texas school system is the stupidest in the country) just stood outside playing grabass, rather than doing the right thing and storm the school, and taking the situation over. It's not like they didn't know what the shooter looked like, and if they didn't HOW ABOUT LOOKING FOR THE PERSON WITH THE FUCKING GUN?!?!?! With even more details coming out and the coverup being exposed, my opinion of Texas has not changed: It's the Staten Island of the US, where they need us more than we as a nation need them. This is the state:

-That let their people die in a massive power outage due to their shitty infrastructure, which I'm sure some dumbasses there think it was thanks to the Mexicans. and their "badass" leaders ran and hid like the pussies most Texans are

-Talk that talk about they want to secede, but don't have the balls to pull it off. Probably because they realize if they do they have to deal with the massive loss of that federal money that props up their house of cards state

-Are more worried about making sure their hillbilly, inbred, scared little bitchass "tough guys" have their guns rather than letting the women have abortions. it's because of their blind stupid faith in a storybook they take literally.

-Want to shoot Mexicans, but also wants to exploit them for economic gain.

God Bless Texas? I'd rather be athiest.

Sleep apnea and how I’m doing over one year later of my diagnosis

I have sleep apnea. My body tries to kill me every night if I don’t use my machine. Well, that’s a bit dramatic but the theory is just that. 

Apnea is when your airway is blocked by your tongue or soft tissues in the back of your mouth and neck. Usually, it’s not a blocked airway, though it could happen, enough to block some oxygen to the lungs. You experience it as snoring, your breathing stops for a second and suddenly breathing again. You wake up feeling tired or just bad. Apnea can lead to an elevated risk of heart attacks, and strokes, and can contribute to mental health issues and possibly dementia down the road.

I get horrible when I woke up after sleeping at night, over time it got worse and to a point where it was affecting my relationship with my wife. I went for a physical to see what was happening. I found out I was fat, out of shape, and just bad. The doctor asked me how I get, and I described how I felt. He told me to look at a sleep doctor because my symptoms and my neck size (big necks don’t help, hence why athletes are more likely to have apnea) were signs of it.

I find a doctor and he has me do a sleep study. The one he did wasn’t the scary one people think of where you go to a place and have tons of sensors put on you. This one was a little thing that you taped to your finger. It has an LED light like on the skin side of smartwatches to read your body. I wore it for 2-3 nights and the data was sent to the doctor via a phone app.

Results came and it wasn’t good. I had a. AHI (apnea-hypopnea index) was 15. That means every hour of sleep I had 15 apnea events, either minor or major ones. The normal number is under 2, but under 5 is considered normal. It sounds bad but I know others who had much worse numbers. They suggested a mouth guard keep my mouth slightly open to keep my airway clear, but my jaw wouldn’t move forward enough for it to work. So I have a CPAP machine, which is fine. I can go into the machines later, especially how much of scumbags Philips is, but that’s another post. 

The first day I used the machine was life-changing. I woke up rested and mentally clearer. The stats on the machine said my first night I had 5 AHI, which was down from my original AHI of 15. Since I started CPAP therapy I have dialed in the air pressures to where my AHI is down to under 1 most nights. 

One thing my data junkie self loves is how much data I can get from the machines. I use two apps: on my computer, I have Open Source CPAP Analysis Report (OSCAR) and a website called Sleep HQ. The apps the machine makers only show the barest of minimum stats and that’s what doctors look at. These programs show more detailed info, like your breathing down to each breath, your mask’s air leak rate, the pressure fluctuations by the machine during each event, and detailed tagging of each event.

Here is an example from Sleep HQ that my main dashboard shows. OSCAR is the same for the most part, but I like Sleep HQ because I can upload my data off the machine's SD card from my phone or tablet. Some of the data looks intimidating but some guys on YouTube (like LankyLefty27 and CPAPReviews channels) break each part down so you can get a good idea of how things are going. In this shot, I’m doing okay. 

I always tell people to get a sleep study done. I don’t feel embarrassed wearing a mask every night. I look at it this way: if it adds a few more years to my life to enjoy my wife and daughter, I can stand wearing this mask and use this machine that’s blowing air into my head so I don’t choke several times a night.

Mental health

This past week I lost my aunt.  She’s the last aunt on my moms' side that died.  It’s sad, but she isn’t suffering anymore from what she was going through.

From when she died to now, I have been trying to deal with and figure out in my head.  Death points out the finite run there is in this world.  Seeing everyone get older and know that they won’t be around forever is sad.  I know I won’t be around forever for my little one, and it frightens me to think I may go before she is ready for the world.  

I feel a lot of fear and anger.  I have since my mom found out she had cancer and her other health issues popped up.  I chose to stay around her and take care of her as best I could.  I took her where she needed to go and tried to make sure she was comfortable.  I felt I needed to do this.  I’m not sure I wanted to, and that has led me to be angry and frustrated with the world.  After she died, I never really had time to sit back and say “what am I doing? What’s going on?”  I went back to work at a job I hated I had.  I chose to stay at that job for some fucking reason after she died.  That led to me not only keeping the anger I felt but making it grow.

I still feel it, I hate that I have it and I have taken it out on others, for which I’m sorry.  I still feel miserable and frustrated with the world, even though I do have it ok.  I have a beautiful wife and kid, and life isn’t bad.  I know there’s something I want to do, but I don’t know what it is.  What I am doing now is fine, but I feel like there’s something else and something more I should be doing.  

As I said, I don’t think I had the time to sit down for a few days and figure shit out.  When my mom died, she was buried and then the next day I went to work and then continued “keeping busy” for years.  Over time I just feel like I haven’t hit the full potential in my life, which I admire parts of it are my fault.  That makes me mad and bitter.  

I tried talking to someone about this, but it was on an online service where it was more text, so the effect of the advice was good but I still felt unfulfilled.  On top of this, I would talk to others and sometimes I would be flippantly told to get over it and or my problems aren’t as bad as others.  When people ask how I’m feeling, I tell them I’m ok but others see it’s not true, which pisses people off and makes me dishonest.  Sometimes I feel if I am open about how I feel I’ll get the response I just said I have gotten from people.  Maybe people do that because they don’t understand and their initial reaction is to deflect, or some are just assholes.  

This here has helped.  This page as a sounding board has helped me.  Like my thing about my uncle was great to get out.  I have some other family members I may do that as well, and my old job and the supposed leaders of it, so expect more fun readings.  I know people think it’s wrong or makes others uncomfortable with me saying what I say here, but I feel better after I do it and honestly, I’m tired of caring for others before myself, which is what got me in this situation in the first place.

As I said I tried online therapy, but I found this exercise of opening up here helps.  I also find Jiu-Jitsu to be beneficial in many ways.  First, my health is better: pre-pandemic I was 235 lbs, from when it started to coming back to BJJ I gained 25 lbs and felt like shit.  Now, after 8 months back I’m down to 230 lbs and feel great.  On top of that, the overall positivity at my school helps.  We all support and help each other not just on the mats but outside.  Plus it gets some aggression out.  I get choked and almost crippled for fun, so at this point, people trying to intimidate me doesn’t work.  I’ve been in bad situations for fun so it doesn’t bother me.   

I thank you all for reading this and some even commented to me about it.  I appreciate it.

Content Creation

I need to create content.  I need to do something creative to help keep me sane.  Since the pandemic my mental health has taken a hit.  I love my wife, child, and mother in law.  They annoy me sometimes, and it can be frustrating.  But at the same time if anyone does any type of harm or grief, I’m ready to kill every motherfucker around to make sure their despair is over.

So Im going to try to do a couple things here a week.  First couple here (which is probably below here) should be a fun read for you.

What have I been up to

Jiu Jitsu

Keeping my daughter occupied and alive

Some part time work

Trying to be a better dad and husband than I have been

Taking classes online

Thinking of ways to express myself

That’s it, that’s pretty much what I have been up to….

I hope his golf balls are stuck in his hole in Hell

I’m going to write about someone that has been on my mind for way too long.  This fat fuck terrorized me and treated my parents like dogshit, despite them being wonderful to my aunt and her kids.  I wish I could piss on his fucking grave but I can’t since my aunt is also buried there….yet another way this punk ass hid behind her.  

This tubby lard of shit married my dad’s sister.  I don’t know why he hated my parents, his kids get merely mouthed about it when I asked them once, but he wanted nothing to do with us.  He enjoyed the other siblings of my dad, but he had some stick up his ass about my dad.  He would come over to our house and would blow everyone off, go into our living room to watch his fucking golf.  He loved golf, I assume it because he got to play with balls bigger than his.  He one time got mouthy with my mom over it, and she wasn’t having it which almost lead to him and his family getting thrown out of the party.  

He would pick on me, the kid with cataracts, whenever his pussy ass felt.  He’d punch me, talk shit to me, and was just a massive bully.  My parents say I once in a while stood up to him, but I don’t remember that.  I do remember fantasizing murdering him in front of his family.  Yes, I actually did that.  Fatso always said he wanted to toughen me up…which in hindsight was a shot at my dad.  I dreaded having to go over to his house, despite how awesome my aunt and cousins were to me and my family.  

I’ll give you some background about this fat cunt.  He was so intimidated by his kids, many who had potential, he sabotaged many of them.,  One of my cousins was MENSA level smart but good old dad was too cheap to pay for the classes, since that probably would cut into his sorry ass golf game.  I assume he was good to my Aunt, but I don’t see that to be honest.  I’m not accusing things, but his wife always have a ton of makeup on….

Anyway, his job as a school bus driver for deaf kids to a school in the Bronx, which Im sure Mr. Tough Guy said many things to them with little fear of repercussion.  When he was not doing this, he was neglecting his family by playing golf, which amazed me he didn’t have a heart attack or actually hit the ball with his gut always in the way.  When he wasn’t;’t playing golf, he was always watching it.  If it was on in the living room of his house, he ran everyone out so he can watch real men play the sport he claims to do.  Luckily the basement was a fun place to hang out with my cousins.  

I never respected him, especially with how he treated my parents.  The moment I realized how fucking pathetic he was, was after my Aunt died and we went to the wake, he comes running up to my parents and me to hug us, and I just pushed him away and looked at him like the big pile of shit he was.  After the funeral, Lard ass suddenly tried to be nice to everyone.  Maybe he realized how alone he will be without the shield of his wife there.  He still was a scumbag, like when he moved to Florida and guilted one of my cousins to move with him and became his caregiver.  She got screwed when he got sick and had to leave the community he was at, and came home penniless while her brothers took care of the old fuck.  

When he died (which I hope was slow and painful), my dad and I went to his funeral.  I went to make sure there was a body and he wasn’t trying to scam us by faking his death for money.  It was enjoyable to show up to the funeral where there was I think 12 people there.  Not even all his kids where there, and I don’t blame them.  A funeral is supposed to be a testament to how loved you are, and that day showed how no one loved him.  

After, my cousins held a brunch at a restaurant.  As we pulled up to the restaurant my dad said how proud he was that I went to the funeral.  I snapped at him and said the only reason I was there was out of respect to his sister, who I loved and couldn’t figure out why she was every married to that asshole.  My dad looked at me and had a smile on his face.  When we were leaving one of my cousins came up to thank us for showing up.  It made me extremely proud of my dad when he said pretty much the same thing I told him, minus the asshole part.  My cousins seemed stunned and confused, as if they didn’t realize that their father was a jerk off to my dad.  Maybe Stockholm syndrome is real.

Anyway, I hated him then, I hate him now, I will always hate him.  No one in my family will convince me otherwise.  Those who know what and who I am talking about and think I’m wrong or I’m out of line “speaking ill of the dead”, that’s your problem and if he was good to you or your family it was probably because he was conning you guys for some sort of gain.

update

i haven’t written much here because I was writing stuff at another place, which is all i will say.

The time I have been spent with my daughter has been amazing. Some bumps in the road and some learning and growing on my part has been needed, but seeing her grow and in essence evolve has bene amazing. It' is like watching evolution in real time, and its amazing how our species has grown all those millions of years.

My work has been fun, and its nice. I wish there was some more work but i’m glad to have some job.

I am learning and trying to grow, and I am trying to get back to normal, whatever that is at this point.

New Job, CPAP and sleep apnea

First off, I start a new gig Monday. A part time deal, but it’s something cool. I don’t want to get into details about the nuts and bolts of the job but it’s data based for a major firm. I hopefully will see through the whole contract until the end of the year. It’s been an awesome time going through a real onboarding process, and not the one at my last job which involved meeting my boss on a manhattan corner, talking for 15 minutes and then getting an email address to send my certifications. That process was as shady and shitty as the company I worked for.

The next part I wanted to talk about is sleep apnea. I took a physical and was told I was in bad shape health-wise. The doctor I talked to asked me about my sleep patterns and how I feel when I’m awake. He suggested I go see a sleep specialist, which I did a week later. after talking to the doctor and taking the sleep test, I find out I have moderate apnea (about 15 episodes per hour when I sleep-normal is under 5). Originally I wa to get an mouthpiece, but at the fitting it wa determined I couldn’t iuse one due to my jaw not moving enough forward for it to actually work. So I am on a CPAP machine, and it’s the best thing I’ve done. Sure I look like a rip off Bane from Batman with the mask (Wife disappointed I don’t look like Tom Hardy due to the mask…) but I don’t care. It works. I”ll tell you how life changing:

-I used to wake up grumpy and angry. I felt like each day was like groundhog’s day-just a pathetic repeat of the other. The first night with the machine I woke up the next day feeling totally different. I felt in a much better mood and not in a sludge.

-My mind doesn’t race with different thoughts. Now it’s more quiet and what I do think about it’s less negative or extreme.

-I don’t feel as sad or depressed, and my anxiety is somewhat calmer.

Everyone should get a sleep test done. If you don’t feel right, it could be apnea. I convinced some people to get tested, and I keep thinking if my parents had apnea. Maybe back then if they got it treated, maybe they would have lived a few more years. It would have had less stress on their hearts and the other afflictions they had. Learn from this moron: get checked out!

Blowing the dust off this.

Let’s get to it.  First, I’m exhausted of this bullshit.  I’m tired of hearing how everyone is hurting and all the woe is me shit.  I’m not doing great and you don’t hear my bitching.  Suck it up and move on.  Like the restaurant industry.  I get shit for saying the truth: that the industry is one of the most overinflated bubbles and at some point a reckoning like this was inevitable.  Plus 60-70 percent of restaurants fail, so it’s not a golden ticket being ripped out of someone’s hands.  On top of this, they are given special treatment to build “outdoor dining” areas in front of their restaurants.  The owners then build fucking buildings with full power and HVAC that take up the sidewalk and part of the street, making driving dangerous.  They take advantage of the laws and I’m somehow supposed to feel bad for them? Fuck them and their eyesores.

But I’m the asshole for saying that.  Guess what,  businesses fail.  And restaurants, despite the romanticism of how they are somehow pillars of communities, are businesses.  The fact that the bubble was held up for so long is amazing, but at some point a correction was needed.  It did amaze me how in some parts of town, you can have three restaurants on the same block serving the same style of food.  How is that sustainable?  And the illusion the government is supposed to prop up and save every restaurant is insane to me.  At some point people have to look at themselves and say “I guess I can’t survive, time to move on to the next job/business”.  It’s not a bad thing to fail.  Trust me, I know.  But the pathetic “everyone shouldn’t fail or feel pain” is a  farce. 

Speaking of pain, fuck Texas and most of the people who live there.  You all wanted your own power grid, and you got what you deserve for “freedom”.  Your politicians played you like a fiddle, trying to say how the US needs Texas, which if you look at stats as far as how much federal money goes into the state vs. how much the state gives to the feds, Texas needs the US like your dirtbag cousin with 4 kids from three dads needs the family than you need them in your life.  The “Leaders” at every level there are failures, from the Governor blaming an environmental deal that isn’t even in effect. The big tough Senator, Ted “slap my wife in front of me and I’ll do nothing like a bitch” Cruz fled the country rather than stay and show some balls and lead.  

I would feel bed for Texans, but those dumb motherfuckers re-elect garbage, shitbag, conmen so they do it to themselves.  They fall for the con and hide behind the American flag (which they want to secede from every time they have a hissy fit ironically), and think they are the real Patriots, they are the real men.

They are nothing but a bunch of pussies that can’t handle a dusting of fucking snow.  Real rough and tough people, aren’t they?

Back to work, Yoga, reflection, resume revamp

I go back to work this week. I am not doing a full-time schedule for now, and maybe not again for this job. I”m OK with it. I am needed part of the week here at home to help take care of my daughter with though my wife working from home. My wife needs a few days to get her meetings and work done with little to no distractions. That’s what we have been doing here since she started working again. It’s not too bad, since she’s done by 3-4. I’ve enjoyed the time I have had to bond with my daughter. I look forward to be around here to help her grow and be the best baby she can be. My mother in law is supposed to move in soon, but with the pandemic and chaos, she’s been stuck in Florida a lot longer than expected. When she moves in, maybe I will go back to full-time, maybe not. I am regardless been trying to better myself and get in a position to get a new job. One where I don’t feel like I’m being looked down on and shown no respect.

Which comes to my resume. Please take a look at the Resume page and critique it and give me some feedback. I”m going with a more functional resume to show off my skills rather than my history, and I’ve minimized the amount of security related info on it, which I feel pigeonholes me when I speak with people about possible job opportunities. I have been in numerous interviews and meetings (some with family who have offered to help me passing my resume around) and despite how adamant I am saying I don’t want anything related to security, they all say “Well, I know someone who has a security guard job.” It’s frustrating and a lesson to never settle for a job beneath your value and skill, because that’s where everyone will treat you as.

Before tha pandemic, I decided to take a break from BJJ. I had to because of the child care situation with my daughter. I didn’t know how long the break would be, or if I would ever go back. Since the pandemic, I still want to go, even if it’s 1-2 times a week, just because I love the action and it’s a form of therapy for me. It helps my mind and makes me feel better despite how many times I tap out. I need to see with the scenario I”ll have if and when I can. Also the small issue of the school reopening has to be sorted out. To pass the time I have taken up yoga again. I’ve been doing the DDP Yoga program, which is a program designed by a former pro wrestler. I don’t know what the base of it is, but adds some fitness related moves and modifies some of the moves. I have been enjoying it, but I’m not ready to video myself in stop motion like a lot of the guys i know on Instagram have been doing with their “Breakfast Yoga Club”. I am going to continue it with my wife, since it’s time together and it’s going to at least help up feel a little better.

Now seems a good time to write

Well, I hope everyone is having a good time in their isolation. I’m finding the positives and negatives of it.

I was thinking before all this my big worry was how my life was going to be when my wife went back to work full time. The original plan was my mother in law was going to move in and help with my daughter. Unfortunately before the lockdowns she had a serious medical issue that threw a wrench into plans. I stopped BJJ for what I hoped is a temporary thing, but even now I’m not sure. I had to put my daughter first, and had to give that up.

When my job ended in March, I tried to get PFL via the state. I had some time left and I thought I could use it for the time off. That got denied, and I’m still waiting for NY to get back to me about my unemployment claim. It’s sucks but I got enough to do to keep me busy.

One positive is getting to bond more with my daughter. My wife works from home and when she’s on a call or her computer, I’m responsible for my daughter. So far we are getting along, though my kid and I are control freaks when it comes to who’s schedule we should be on. The time taking care of her has helped me learn some patience and coping skills.

When I am not taking care of her I am cooking. I am trying different ways to cook, suck as pressure cooking and slow cooking on top of my usual air frying. The Ninja Foodi is t that. I’m also trying to connect with people more, which is something I just haven’t done mush. I want to try to learn some more skills to help me in the future.

I’m also thinking about my future. It’s frightening to me. I don’t know still about how things will work yet when it comes to my wife and daughter. Before everything, I was supposed to talk to my bosses about going part time to free up time to take care of things at home, and maybe get my other plans to move forward. I don’t know if that’s going to still be the plan or not. It’s frustrating to me. I already was about to have my life shifted in different directions, and having this situation we are all in makes things even more screwed up.