Updated my resume part of this site. Give a look let me know what you think, please.
The past couple weeks has been somewhat stressful. Quite frankly, the past several years has been. Between my job status (which I'll get into that in another entry, with the life choice I made that led to where I am now), my family situation, and my need to fix everything myself and fix it now, I am at a limit I haven't been at in a while (probably never emotionally, but my dad's death may have had a little more impact on my emotions in grieving). I am scared, frustrated, and just sad. Happiness is in really small doses, but the bullshit that comes before and is still there after makes it less happy. Because of this, and having to work every Saturday for the past 3 years straight-seeing how everyone around is happy and doing things, making their lives fuller and richer, I can honestly say one thing:
Fuck your happiness.
I cannot fake feeling good and pleased YOU are doing well. I am jealous and angry YOU get to fulfill your dreams and do what you want, where I'm shackled with things that, quite frankly, is partly my doing. This is why I'm going to stop looking at Facebook (posting will be there since it's tied to my Twitter account). I can't see it on weekends, seeing everyone going to BJJ events, doing BJJ, soccer events-shit I can't do because my job, however shitty it is, is in the way and is all I got. I'm keeping Twitter and Instagram going since they don't make me feel the jealousy and anger I get seeing Facebook. I just can't sit on the side and act like I'm happy you get to move forward with your career and lives, where no matter how hard I"m trying to do the same, someone or something sabotages my work.
Events last week has also have me possibly giving up more I find joy in. I may have to give up BJJ. I haven't been at training for two weeks due to work schedule (I have to take what I can get due to the store I was stationed in fucked up and is homeless for a couple months), so I have had to take overnight shifts last Tuesday and Wednesday nights. They start 6pm and end about 9-9:30AM the next day. Tuesday and Thursday mornings are the only morning classes and the only classes I can attend. I couldn't go Tuesday because I wanted to sleep in as much to stay up late and Thursday I couldn't go due to finishing a 15 hour shift ending when class ended basically. This week my schedule is 7:30m-4:30pm. Theoretically I could make night classes, but since my sister has a late schedule and isn't home until 8-9pm at night, I have to get home as soon as I can to make sure my mom is ok, and make dinner for her and feed the dog. Now, my sister will be moving out soon and I'll be then held responsible for my mom for the most part. That means I have to make sure my mom is taken care of, go to work, then come home and make sure everything is ok. I don't know where I can fit in any BJJ into that. And I refuse to accept being the guy who shows up every couple weeks or once a month to train. That's not me
What also triggered this thought of quitting BJJ is my mom fell last week, in front of me, and that scared the hell out of me. This is the fourth or fifth time I've found her on the floor in my life, and this time just made me really get frightened for her. the immunotherapy she's on has her head all foggy and she's confused sometimes (her short-term memory is shot), and her balance is off. So I hate being at work late, and I make a bee-line home to make sure she's OK. Her sleep patterns are also shot, so my sister has to sleep in the living room in case my mom wakes up in the middle of the night. My mom's legs are weak, so she needs help getting up sometimes and staying up. So my sister has to be there at night so she can help my mom get to the bathroom. This will probably be one of the many jobs I inherit when my sister moves out. How am I supposed to train with all this going on? Once again, you fuckers get to keep enjoying your lives, I am the exception that has to be the fucking responsible one.
Anyone saying I'm just being a negative nelly or need to keep positive, my patience is gone with that mindset. Getting a new job has been a long and ball breaking ordeal, which has gotten me nothing. Taking care of my mom and her health is a cloud over everything/anything I do, just like my sister leaving to a new house with her fiancé. Talking about it with everyone works to a point, until someone changes the plan because they feel like it, and fuck me royally (it's happened in the past with me).
So keep on with your joy and feeling good about your worth and what you've done. I'm done faking happiness for you. Hell, some of your accomplishments and happiness is at the expense of me or because of me, and I've gotten jack shit from it.
So again: Fuck your happiness. I have my happiness taken away from me piece by piece, so why should I feel good about you and your joy?