Mexico, Money, Diabetes, Mom, Sat night by Gate D, Trust?

by Peter Marus

Random quick hits since it's been a while:

Mexico trip is coming up.  Spent today getting some stuff for it.  Pretty much ready to go, just need to pack and ensure all ducks in a row.  Biggest worry is money.  It shouldn't be since I calculated my payday is the Friday of my trip (direct deposit-woohoo), but still I worry.  I always worry about everything.  It's not the most fun to do, but it's just how I've lived all my life.  I've had relatives say I should cool down and not worry or get intense about things, but I can't do that.  I never was one of those "lets just hang out, go with the flow, etc." type of people.  Sometimes I wish I could be like that, but part of me also thinks worrying and focusing on potential problems help keep me alert. 

I'm on financial lockdown between now and when I pay my hotel bill.  I wanted to go to Jersey to see the US-England World Cup gme, but I can't spend much cash now.  Well, that and seeing some of the looks of certain people gave to me Sat. night outside of the stadium, I don't feel like it's best for me and others at this event if I attend.

Fuck Diabetes, fuck it in the fucking ass, kick Diabetes in the cunt.  My mom  was in the hospital this week after my sister found her in bad shape in the house.  Apparently my mom didn't eat right away in the afternoon and her sugar dropped like a rock.  Thank God my sister had the day off and got home, my mom may not be here-yeah it was THAT bad.  Also, fuck Elmhurst Hosptial.  After my mom was stablized, they wouldn't let her leave until a doctor saw her.  She sat there for hours with a IV bag that didn't work, and got apple juice and something that looked like dog food for a mean.  Nurses wanted to do tests and perform things on her without a doctor seeing her, yet saying these things are needed.  When a doctor did see her, the first question was "Why did you have hyperglycemia?"  How fucking stupid is that.  After a second doctor asked her that and spoke to her and my sister as if they were five years old, my mom demanded the IV out of her and demanded to be signed out. 

Where was I in all this? I went home to check on the dog and clean the house.  I also went home to lose my shit.  When this situation happens with my mom, I turn into a wreck.  My emotions are a combo of rage that she is stuck with this affliction, worry of what happens when/if she's gone, and after that, I go through my thoughts about this whole thing.  I'll admit, I have had nightmares of finding her on the ground with my dog sitting next ot her sad and trying to wake her up.  I worry sometimes when I leave the house if she'll be OK, I worry so much sometimes I have to call the house to make sure she is ok.  I have never been able to shake the feeling that her Diabetes is a ticking time-bomb, especially with hers being really sensative.  She won't go to a doctor because the last few times she has, they prescribed things that made her worse, and that's why she never wants to go to a doctor or hospital.  I'm a wreck usually, and I find it unfair people have to have this affliction.  But hey, lifes not fair, especially to those we love sometimes.

So I was outside of the stadium Sat. night waiting for a friend who I got tickets for.  I'm waiting for him by the supporters club's enterance, when a group of the old crew I used to hang with rolled by.  Some said "what's up", some gave me a look like I betrayed them.  It was an interesting mixture.  Some of the greetings I got were the uncomfortable ones like they just ran into an ex.  Here's the thing: If I am being treated this way because , GOD FORBID, I said something that didn't sit well with some or criticized how things are, it's funny and sad.  People are being a little too sensitive, and proves how some love to dish it but can't take it.  Also proves I'm right in some ways, and people can't handle it.  All I am doing is pointing things out that I think need to be addressed to help improve the club that I love, and that in the long term will benefit the club-or at least lessen the headaches.  If that means I should be an outcast because I choose to do this, I accept it.  I'm not alone in this and acutally in beter company than those who are doing this outcasting. 

Finally, I may talk to you, I may like you, but I sure as fuck don't trust you.  If you think that last line applies to you, it probably does.  Those I trust wouldn't qustion that given all I've said and done for them.