Miss me?

by Peter Marus

SO, the past month or so I've been quiet.  Mostly every time I would come to this page to write, I would be too tired to put my thoughts into words.  Work has had me consumed, which sounds weird considering the job I do.  I also have been trying to navigate my feelings and thoughts I have.

This time of year is really tough for me, which I'm sure it is for many.  November and December are months where as much joy there should be, there is also a lot of sadness.  I've lost count how many relatives I've lost in these two months over the years.  It's sad, and this year losing my mother has added more to the sadness.  Thanksgiving was nice to have what's left of my family together and share in some joy.  I don't want to get into my work deal, beyond I've done 6 days a week for most of the year, and that's taken a toll physically and mentally.  More and more I feel like just leaving, but since I don't have anything to fall back on, I force myself to suck it up.  Looking for work is tough wth the time issue, and when I get home the last thing I want to do is look for work.  It forces me back into the feelings I feel as I work now, which aren't good enjoyable feelings.  I walk into the door at home, I just want to escape the day and spend time with my Fiancee.  

My Fiancee is one of the things that keeps me going.  Her love and support has been one of the main things that has kept me going.  She's done things I cannot repay her for.  We hosted Christmas at the house, and she cooked a fantastic meal.  She helped keep the mood right in the house.  My aunt and sister had their hesitations coming to the house, since they still haven't fully handled my Mom's death, but it was nice to see them.  It was nice to hear them happy to see us making the house more our own.

Seeing them and how they are trying to handle Mom and her death, made me realize I have had no time to do that.  After she died and we went through the funeral and stuff, I went straight to work.  I haven't had a moment to sit back away from everyone and everything and really figure out how I feel about it.  It's tough to explain, but I'd kill to just not work and kill any distractions I have to focus on me, be a selfish asshole, and get me right.