by Peter Marus

This week is the anniversary of my dad's passing, but this post isn't about him per se. I've been thinking a lot about the whole idea that I live “in his shadow” (something that is somewhat common for children to feel when they lose their parents-that you have to live up to their standards), but after doing a lot of thinking and talking with people I came to realize something: no matter how much I chase that “standard” my dad (and grandfather to tell you the truth-both were the “man” when it came to the family), I'm chasing a ghost. that's not to degrade my father and all he has done, but he is dead, not here to approve of me and what I have done. I am my own man, and I have to live my life as such. I can't sit here thinking “would he approve?” I have to live my life as best I can, and that is what parents want from their kids: to live their lives as best they want/can. As long as I remember that, no matter what I do, I will be “right” and that he would be cool with it. That's why I am going to do something sometime next year that is a big step to me, but may not be to most, but it is to me.

I'm going to get myself a tattoo. It's not a big deal to some, but it is to me since my dad hated them. but at the same time, I want one and what I plan on getting is something to honor him, my family, and make me remember all I know about my family. My dad found our family crest years ago in his genealogy research, and I”m thinking of getting a tattoo of that. I take pride in my family, though I may have busted his balls about the whole genealogy deal, but it was cool to learn about where my family is from and what they went through in the past. Reading about all that made me feel good that there is a past way back when, and I want to honor that with a symbol that will be with me forever. Sounds cheesy I know, but it's something special to me.

Details are still sketchy, but as I said I am not in a real rush to get it yet. I plan on getting it sometime next year.

Now for something completely different: Ever hear the phrase “I hope you get cancer!”? I”m sure there are some that yell it daily, and it was in a funny scene in the move “the king of comedy”. Well that's not that big of a threat these days with technology or medical advancements that the survival rate has gone up. I have been doing some reading about some other afflictions out there, mostly because some people have inspired me to look up some stuff, and there are some real fucked up shit out there. Obviously there's AIDS, which even now is somewhat treatable to a point where one can live a relative normal life. There's diseases like Parkensens, and some of those neurological diseases that aren't as treatable and you see one's life gradually get taken away from them, and at a extremely slow rate. I've seem this first hand and it's tough to see. Then there are some diseases that hit people with no rhyme or reason, and the people who get these things are more like victims than patients. it's amazing how wonderful the human body is, it's also amazing, but also frightening to see what can happen to it and how brutal nature can be when it wants to be. So I don't know after reading some of medical stuff out there if I should really wish anything on anyone, or if I ever did wish cancer on someone again, would that be me letting them off easy?

That's not to say I will wish other things on people who truly deserve it, most of the time anyway it's usually stuff in a “what goes around, comes around” way. So it's not going to be a “kinder, gentler” me, just one who is more calculating at when I tear a new asshole into others.