feelings at the end of the year

by Peter Marus


Time to put into words what I have been up to and feeling lately. 


First feeling I have had since the last entry has been anxiety.  I've been looking for work and so far there has not been any answer to my resumes.  Granted, it is the end of the year and no one generally hires at this time of year, but it's still something that is getting me nervous.  I'm hoping in the new year, I'll get some responses to the resumes I have sent recently, and not the span I have been getting due to a fraudulent posing on careerbuilder.com.  


This leads to my next feeling: frustration:  Frustration with the "job websites' out there and how for the most part they are the only way to find work.  That's the problem if you are unemployed.  It's either you log into your account, and get a page that deceptively makes it look like another page of the site, but in reality it's an ad to get you to sign up for some school and get bombarded with emails about all their offerings, or some service like "hey, there's something wrong with your resume, click here to find out how to improve it" BS, where you click on the link if you didn't notice it's an ad, then you are falling down that internet hole called their website.  Next thing you know you sign up for something you didn't want and get billed at some point.  My favorite part is when it's the actual website (like Monster or Careerbuilder do), and try to make you pay for their services, but it's really a third party, again trying to phish for your info.  


It's sucks that these sites, and there are others as well, that do this and have the balls to say they are "better than craigslist".  Like I said, someone who posted a job opening on Careerbuilder's site was a fraud, and when it was discovered, I already applied to the ad.  I get an email from Careerbuider saying the ad was a fraud, and don't respond to anything they send.  I wrote back to Careerbuilder to see what they could offer me if there is any further problems.  All they gave me was an email address to write to in case this person contacts me (which felt stupid since THEY KNEW WHO WAS THE PROBLEM, and told me NOT to respond to anything he sends me) with the bad email attached.  So they wanted me to open shady emails and potentially expose more of my info to him, then forward the email to them.  What a bunch of morons.  Thank God for Gmail, and how quick it learns what I consider spam when I report it to them.  I think I got that all cleared up now (no new ones have came into my inbox).  


It really sucks how shady these job sites work, and how they are more or less predators on those who don't have work.  I use Dice.com as well, which is more of an IT job site, and that seems to be less shady.  I was using Indeed.com, which is really an aggregator site of all the major job-sites (like a giant toilet for all this shit to float in).  So on top of having no job, I now have to really worry about my info I send out to any potential employer.  It's really a stressful thing.  It's getting closer and closer for me to try to go to my fall-back job: security guard. I have no clue when that choice will be made, but it is something I have to consider.


My other source of stress is the holiday season.  Mostly gift getting and giving.  It's amazing how thick headed people are when I say I don't want anything and they insist on getting me stuff.  So I know what I'm getting since I relented and gave some ideas for people to get me something.  On the other hand, I was a mess this past couple weeks getting people gifts.  My big thing is I don't want to look like an idiot when I give something, so I stress over it.  It's really stupid and y girlfriend ran the gauntlet of it's funny to see me like that, to its just plain annoying and I should just shut up.  It's less than a week away form Christmas, and I'm short a couple gifts.  SO I have to be thankful for Visa or Amex for making gift cards.  Hell, I wanted to go all gift cards again this season, but I that was vetoed and all gifts are joint gifts (where it's me and the girlfriend, not the California-type gift...sorry to disappoint).


I don't want to end on a negative note, so I'll talk about a positive feeling I had Sunday night.  Joy and a sense of accomplishment.  Sunday night was my BJJ academy's annual Christmas dinner.  It was held at the same Brazilian Rodizio restaurant as last year.  The food was excellent, and the party and atmosphere was even better.  This event has a raffle for the guests, and I won a rash-guard (shirt for no-gi BJJ to protect for mat burns and rashes), that go with the shorts I won last year.  So I guess I should go to No-Gi training once in a while.  Even some of  the non academy member guests got prizes (ny girlfriend won a scarf).  After the raffle was the last promotions of the year. I didn't expect to get any promotion, I felt I wasn't any better than when I started (but I'm tough on myself, so dont' take my word on how good I am).  I did get two stripes added to my white belt (means I have progressed a bit), and that pretty much puts me half-way to the next belt level.  I saw a bunch of the guys I train get promoted to higher belts (and they deserved it, they are damn good), so it puts the talent gap no different than where we were before.  The gap didn't change but all our games have elevated.   Sort of proves what one higher belt told me months ago when he was visiting the school:


Belts are nothing more than something to hold your Gi top together.   Don't judge yourself to who's belt is what color, just go and roll and whoever is better that day will be better.  It doesn't mean anything other than both should want to practice more to get better together.


I feel proud for what I earned, and I'm proud for the others who advanced as well.  I am proud to be a part of the academy I train at.  It's one of the smartest things I chose to get into, and it's really helped me make my life better: physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Professor Jucao is a great man, and I am proud to train under him.   He's the type of person you want to do your best because he deserves you to do your best for him, since he gives his best.  I've met a lot of good people, and I find my self feeling im in a better place than where I was before I started BJJ.