I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling and I had one of my occasional flashbacks of the night when my dad died (don't read too much into it; anyone that has gone through a really tough experience has moments of flashbacks, it's just how one reacts to it is what determines if/how much one is “over it”). After having that happen and I am left looking at the ceiling, I cane to the realization of what I am really looking for in life, relationships, everything I do: stability.
Sure one could say my life is stable, but is it really? I look at my family, and yes my mom is doing well and says she feels good, but she's not exactly a picture of good health and she is getting on in years. I feel sometimes she's the linchpin of the house and if she goes, this house crumbles. I try my best to make it easier for her-giving her money every payday, doing things to make sure the house is OK, etc. But I feel as if no matter what I do is not good enough. Then there's my job. It seems like I am “safe” at my job, but between now and when the reshuffling of the organization happens when the new Bank of America Tower opens, anything that is said to be planned is just a rumor to me, and can change at anytime, and that could include of dropping me. Then there's whatever friendships I have. It seems like that all of my friendships seem to have something that could ruin them in an instant, either by something I could do or just a feeling of not having a full sense of honesty and that I could just be being used for someone else's gain.
Trust me I never thought like this. This all started after my dad died and it just felt like if that could happen, anything could. Since that day, my head's been on a swivel getting ready for whatever comes at me. All I want in my life is some situation where if the world is going batshit crazy, I have something that I can count on that's stable and I can be me and relaxed. If that doesn't make sense to you, sorry I have no time to go into detail as to what the hell I mean. Perhaps I put myself in all these situations and don't realize it, in that habits-especially bad ones-are always hard to get rid of and a lot of the time a person never realizes they are in a bad rut without someone else pointing it out.
Maybe this is why I put a lot into all I do, making sure that what I am getting into can handle all that I bring, both good and bad. I want to make sure that whatever I do in my life, I can be me and no matter what I have good or bad happen, it doesn't mess up whatever situation I am in at anytime in my life.
Hell, I could just be rambling on here saying absolute nothing. Maybe this instability in life is what one needs to truly live life, where it makes one adapt and experience things (both good and bad) they need to experience to say they truly live. All I know is that I want the feeling that everything is OK and I have a solid foundation under my feet. Last time I felt that was the night of December 4th, 2005.